We’ve all played this game before. It usually ends with all of your friends saying you look nothing like Ed Burns or James Van Der Beek, right? This begets a 15 minute discussion about the size of your nose? Okay, maybe that’s just how it happens for me.
But for now let’s turn our attention away from the actors and celebrities that you and your jackass friends don’t actually look anything like and focus on what could be another epic World Cup final. So epic that Hollywood will be forced into rushing the feature film version of the match directly into pre-production? How’s that for setting the stage!
Disclaimer: Casting the World Cup final is a big job, one which I know I’m not qualified to do alone. I like movies, but my pop culture specializations run more along the lines of 90s alt rock bands and “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.” Having decided to give Puck, our pop culture guru, the day off, I’ve recruited movie buff and friend of the blog Brian Suggs to help out. Our resident film expert isn’t a footy fan, so this was the first time he saw many of the World Cup heroes. It’s made for some interesting thoughts to say the least. Suggs’ ramblings will appear in bold throughout the post.
Andr?s Iniesta, Midfielder, ESP – Ray Liotta
Brian Suggs: If Ray Liotta had an offspring with a Koopa Troopa from the live action movie of The Super Mario Brothers they would name it Andr?s Iniesta. Nuff said.
Jon Levy: Good call on Liotta, and thanks for making my weekend by referencing one of the most cracked out movies of all time! I’m sure we can get Ray in makeup and Koopa him up.
David Villa, Forward, ESP – Colin Farrell
This guy looks like he’s trying to live his life like Colin Farrell, soul-patch included. One day it will hit him that he can’t be Colin Farrell since Colin is a drinkin’, smokin’, fightin’, cursin’, angry Irish dude that frankly is kind of a badass. And David Villa plays soccer!
It’s a soccer blog Suggs.
Iker Casillas, Goalkeeper, ESP – Henry Thomas
Hey Iker Casillas, how was it working with E.T.? Casillas is Henry Thomas! This isn’t really a bad thing, Suicide Kings rules! “Iker, you are the man!”
And this tournament Iker has been the man. Aside from letting in the soft Swiss goal of course, Casillas is in line for the Yashin Award given to the best keeper.
Carles Puyol, Center Half, ESP – Dee Snyder
You knew I couldn’t through this casting mission without delving into an obscure, no-longer-relevant musical genre at least once. Hair metal it is! Puyol looks like the Twisted Sister front man, just without the makeup. Check out Dee’s acting work in films like Strangeland. I can’t wait to watch him rise up and head the ball in to eliminate the Germans!
Nigel De Jong, Midfielder, NED – Heath Ledger (no, really!)
Now I think I love this dude specifically because of his name. How many Dutch pornos has this guy been in over the off-season?! This one takes a little imagination but if you look closely, you’ll see it. Nigel De Hung Long Jong looks like a shaved-headed black guy version of Heath Ledger. If I was Nigel I’d be quoting, “Why so serious?!” to the ref every time I was yellow carded and then threaten to cut him. Or he could rant off things like, “Hey guys, I’m not dead, I’m just a black guy now!”
Always remember that nothing we do on the most important blog of all time is in poor taste, that’s just your imagination.
Giovanni van Bronckhorst, Full Back, NED – Richard Grieco
The highlight of this dude’s career was working with Johnny Depp on “21 Jump Street.” For Depp, that show was the low point of his career; this says a lot about any Richard Grieco wannabe. Do you remember when Richard Grieco was cool? Neither do I! Hey Giovanni van Grieco, beat it nerd!!
Suggs is on Day 1 of soccer-fan indoctrination and he already LIKES NIGEL DE JONG and thinks badass Dutch captain Gio van Bronckhorst is a nerd. This has gone terribly wrong.
Arjen Robben, Wing Forward, NED – Jeremy Piven
This one’s easily done. “Oldface Killah” Arjen Robben is a 26 year old dude who’s prematurely balding and looks way older than he is. In one of the greatest college films of all time, P.C.U., Jeremy Piven played a 26 year old who’s prematurely balding and looks way older than he’s even supposed to be.
Mark van Bommel, Midfielder, NED – Eric Bogosian
Bogosian was the bad guy in Under Siege 2: Dark Territory. (Also, on the non-movie front, Mark van Bommel looks like has was once part of the band Hall, Oates & Bommel. Prior to their success John Oates kicked van Bommel out of the band for trying to bogart his righteous hairstyle, which turned the band into a two-man wolfpack, and the successful singing sensation we all know and love… HALL & OATES! Mark has since had a successful career in futbol but has broken all communication with his long lost compadres, Daryl Hall and John Oates.)
There are no words.
Robin van Persie, Forward, NED – Freddie Prinze Jr.
This dude is what you’d get if Freddie Prinze Jr. and Matthew Fox from “Lost” had a love child. “Lost” rules, but FPJ is everything that is wrong with film today!! He makes live action Scooby Doo movies!! I mean, really?! That’s what you’re bringing to the table?! In no way does he contribute to the world and should just cease to exist!!
Suggs actually went even crazier than this with the punctuation. I had to tone it down here.
Bert van Marwijk, Manager, NED – Terence Stamp
Don’t think for a second I feel bad about skewing so old on Bert. Terence Stamp is an exceptionally well preserved geezer, and I can see him in van Marwike’s natty attire roaming the sidelines for the Oranje and occasionally getting into dust-ups with our FPJ version of RVP.
Howard Webb, Match Official, ENG – Timothy Olyphant
So maybe I bluffed about giving Puck the whole day off; he suggested Olyphant for our bald man in the middle. Timothy played a most triumphant bald assassin in the Hitman movie. I countered Puck’s suggestion, arguing that if muscle-bound NFL referee Ed Hochuli shaved his head we’d have a winner. Puck rebutted that just because Hochuli’s jacked does not make him look like Webb. It’s a fair point, and I could argue the same about the baldness factor, but the tiebreaker went to the guy with the actual acting chops. Poop.
There you have it, a far from comprehensive but hopefully entertaining look at the cast of one of the biggest blockbusters of 2013. Thanks again to Brian Suggs for helping us out, and we encourage you to argue with our suggestions in the comments section, and more importantly cast the guys we couldn’t figure out! Which Hollywood heartthrob is playing Spanish super-sub Cesc Fábregas? How about Golden Ball nominees Wesley Sneijder and Xavi? Do your dirtiest; make our day.
Jon Levy is a senior writer for the Yanks Are Coming. When not enjoying a whiskey or eight, he can (but he doesn’t check it) be reached at email@example.com. He also has a Twitter handle @TYAC_Jon, which he doesn’t really use, although he occasionally does tweet things via text about Jay Cutler or the Chicago Bears. Go figure.