Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back into the Happy Hour—Special Gold Cup Final edition. It has certainly been a rollercoaster month for USMNT fans. After dispatching Canada, I personally witnessed (along with the rest of the AO Tampa crew) the worst loss in the Bradley era against Panama in Tampa. Victory over Guadeloupe secured us a place in the quarterfinal against a surging Jamaica. A bold
formational change that left Landon on the bench was enough to take care of the Reggae Boyz. Finally, last Wednesday, a 77th minute goal from the long-hoped for and dreamed of Adu-Donovan-Dempsey connection put the US right where it has wanted to be all summer, the 2011 Gold Cup Final in Pasadena.
For those of you that did not stay up late enough to watch the second semifinal, it certainly was one hell of a finish. I guarantee every CONCACAF executive was collectively holding their breath each time the Hondurans mounted a counter attack. The longer the game went on the more nervous the Mexican supporters became. Luckily, CONCACAF got exactly what it wanted (and needed, truthfully) all along, the USMNT and Mexico playing for a berth in the 2013 Confederations Cup in Brazil. After a couple months of waiting and worrying, all USMNT fans are looking forward to what should be one hell of a Saturday night. If any fans out there had plans around 8:30pm Saturday night, you better make a change because the if the Yanks are going to get the job done, they will need all the support they can get, whether it be in the stadium, at the local pub, or on your favorite couch.
Now normally it would be time for me to make merciless fun (without mistaking patriotism for jingoistic jackleggery, as some of these folks have done) of the country we will be playing on Saturday night. However, we will be playing Mexico, and any attempt to make fun of our neighbor to the south will most likely be met with scrutiny and backlash labeling me some sort of racist. So I’ll let the morons make the stereotypical and out-of-line jokes, and will just hit our southern friends (and our American ones who don’t want to admit it) with the cold hard truth: the United States desire to use illicit drugs recreationally is slowly killing
your country. But you do play nice soccer. Too soon?
Enough of the jokes, time to get to what you all came for. As the Pop Culture Guru and resident partier for “the greatest blog of our time”, you would expect me to really be getting after it during the match Saturday night. As I do plan on partying hard supporting the USMNT, I want all the loyal TYAC readers throughout the globe to be, as they say,“on my level.” With that goal in mind, I want to introduce you all the Gold Cup Final Drinking Game. Hopefully this game will get you as hammered as you should be for an event such as this. Essentially this game is just a list of things that probably will happen at some point during the match, with a drinking activity associated with it. Nothing revolutionary, I know. The games start off pretty tame but trust me; it will get intense shortly. Let’s get started shall we.
If any of the following takes place during the 90 minute match (or extra time for that matter) take a swig of your favorite cocktail;
1) Jermaine Jones commits a foul. This will happen a lot, especially when we are trying to win the midfield battle that will decide the game.
2) Tim Howard touches the ball. Not a save, just any time he comes in contact with the ball. Remember, I am trying to get you drunk
3) Any Eric Lichaj long throw in.
4) Dempsey gives an intense stare with his gigantic “Onion Ring” eyes to a Mexican player after he draws a foul.
5) Any Mexican player emphatically bitches and complains to the official. Again this will happen frequently because the Mexicans are a bunch of whiny C-Rons.
It’s time for the second section of the game. If any of the following takes place drink you beer for roughly 5-10 sections.
1) Any yellow card.
2) The Camera moves to a close up of any USMNT fan decked out in the Red, White, and Blue. Hopefully, they will pick the always loyal American Outlaws. (By the way—the Outlaws have issued a quite simple plea regarding USMNT folks headed to the Rose Bowl tonight: Be Loud. That’s important. Do what they say.)
3) My boy Kyle Martino refers to the USMNT as “we”. Side note: follow him on twitter, both him and his wife rule. @kylemartino and @EAmurri
4) Veins begin the bulge in Howard’s head as he barks orders at his defense.
5) Any set piece goal. Hopefully it does not involve a break down in the US defense. But if it does, you certainly will need a drink.
The third round gets a bit crazier. If any of these happens during the game immediately pound your beer.
1) Red Card. Hopefully this involves Chicharito, but it applies for anyone on the pitch.
2) The savior of US Soccer, Freddy Adu enters the match.
3) Any goal in the run of play. If it’s a US goal, make sure to get some beer in your mouth when celebrating.
4) Eric Wynalda insults the Mexican National Side, or country during the pregame/halftime/postgame. Wynalda is classy enough that he will not come right out with a zinger, but keep you head on a swivel for some under the radar hilarity.
Finally, we get to the Super Bonus Round of the game.
Ok this one is a bit of a stretch, but I am really hoping for it. For this round, you will need to get your beer bongs ready. If any USMNT player scores their first goal ever for the national team during this game, bong or shotgun a beer. This qualifies for goals of any type, even penalty kicks. The following are players to watch for: Eric Lichaj, Jermaine Jones, Jon Spector, Chris Wondolowski, Tim Ream, and Alejandro Bedoya.
That’s it–that’s the game. Hopefully it gets you Rossied up enough for, during, and after the game. I have a stockpile of PBR and Whiskey on ice and ready to go. I can’t wait for tonight. Bend over Mexico, here it comes again: Dos a Cero!! Let Go Yanks!!!
PUCK’S FREE ADVICE:
For those of you that will be heading to a crowded bar this weekend, you will inevitably be separated from your group of friends at some point. Someone goes to get a beer, and by the time they return, the group has wandered off to another area of the establishment. It’s not malicious; things like this just happen when people start drinking. Unfortunately, if this happens too close to closing time, people end up getting lost in the shuffle slowing the group’s progress to an after party, late night dinner, etc. To avoid this unpleasant series of events, I propose you and your crew use a time honored tool, The Walkout Song.
The walk out song is a predetermined song selected by a group a friends before entering a crowded bar. Once that song is played on the jukebox that is the signal for everyone you came with to finish their drink, pay their tab, and get the hell out. This saves anyone the trouble of walking around in circles looking for those couple dudes that wandered off on their own. Good Walkout Songs should not be overplayed pop tunes that run the risk of being played by just any jackleg in the bar, but they also should be long enough to allow everyone in your crew to recognize the tune. My go to Walkout Song is George Thorogood’s version of “One bourbon, on scotch, one beer.” Besides being 8 minutes long, the song kicks ass.
Try the Walkout Song this weekend and you will be surprised at how effective it is.
Go Yanks, crush the Mexicans. And I know this fight was against the Mother Country—but this song rules. And so does Andrew Jackson. Remember the Alamo, kids.
Sorry for Partying.