Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back into another wonderful Happy Hour. This week has been excellent, especially since Conan made his much anticipated return to late night television. If you have not gotten the chance to check out the new show on basic cable, get your shit together and give it a shot. You will not be disappointed.
First off, I have to thank my fellow TYAC writer “Lighting Cup” Levy for taking care of the Happy Hour last week. It was a heroic performance that will not soon be forgotten. I spent the weekend hanging out with my father and uncle, drinking beer and playing golf. I am fucking terrible at golf. Watching my swing is like watching a monkey screw a football. It’s disgusting, but also very entertaining. Needless to say, if I can take my next shot without having to dig into my bag for another ball, I am a happy man. Now that I am back into the swing of things here at TYAC, it’s time to get into some soccer and pop culture news.
World Cup Bid Update:
The World cup bidding process has turned into a cluster fuck over the last couple weeks. First there were accusations of collusion and corruption from the British press against members of FIFA. Of course, FIFA is now acting like a jealous girlfriend, with one senior and anonymous member saying the 2018 bid is now, “between Russia and Spain”. This whole scenario is turning into a bad soap opera on TeleMundo. By trying to show the world what the bidding process has become of late, the Brits seem to have shot themselves in the foot. If the 2018 finals do end up in Russia or Spain/Portugal, it will be one swift kick in the sack for the English public. The earliest they could host the games again would be 2026, a lifetime away for most football fans. In an attempt to save the day, the Golden Boy David Beckham will appear with the British FA for their final pitch in Zurich on December 2nd.
Speaking of international icons and sex symbols, it was also revealed this week that the former President Bill Clinton will be a member of the US final presentation to the FIFA executive committee on December 1st. Hopefully, all the FIFA secretaries take a liking to Slick Willy, and the USA will be awarded its second World Cup in 2022.
It’s time to change subjects. Most of the readers out there expect me to make a bunch of juvenile jokes, talk about getting hillbilly drunk, and comment on hot women. While this is usually the case, it’s time to give the other national team some love. That’s right, time to give some much needed publicity to the USWNT. Why the USWNT, a couple reasons. First, it allows me to talk about how talented and incredibly sexy Heather Mitts and Hope Solo really are. Secondly, it allows me to introduce the world to who I think is the sexiest women on the team, Natasha Kai. I am a sucker for women with tattoos.
On a more serious note, the USWNT has been in the news lately for a few not so good reasons. Last week, the US suffered a shocking defeat to Mexico, jeopardizing their spot in the Women’s World Cup. After crushing Costa Rica this week, the squad must win a two legged home and away playoff match with the Italians. The first match will take place in Padova Italy on November 20th, with the second leg back in Bridgeview, Illinois on November 27th. If you have not had the opportunity to watch the USWNT, I suggest you take the time to do so. This team has the talent to win another World Cup if they can get past Italy this month. I can personally vouch for the talent on this team as I have played against professional goal scorer Abby Wambach growing up in Rochester NY. In fact, while she has no memory of this, Abby Wambach elbowed me in the face. I think it’s time for a quick story.
Growing up in Rochester NY, everyone knew who Abby was. She must have been on the cover of the sports page about as much as any High School athlete ever. When she first started playing in youth leagues, she was too strong and fast to keep playing with girls her age. After scoring 27 goals in 3 games, she started playing with the boys, and kicked their ass as well. During my time in high school, the high school athletic association would not allow us to have “scheduled” activities during the off season. To get around this rule, I and the rest of the team would get together and play on an indoor men’s league squad in order to stay fit for the season. Most every other team in the county used the same strategy, so it basically turned into a second full season with no formal coaches. One weekend over the holidays, my team showed up to play an indoor game, and who do you think was suited up for the other team, the local legend Abby Fucking Wambach.
The rest of the squad and I took some time to debate who was going to be responsible for marking her. At this point, she was on the cusp of making the USWNT 2003 World Cup Squad. Naturally, most of the dudes did not want to mark Abby and get completely fucking embarrassed. Like an idiot, my short, round, hairy ass volunteered for the job. Big mistake. The next 60 minutes were spent running around the field trying to cover a gazelle. My stumpy legs could not keep up with her. I have never been so exhausted in my life. Luckily, the stretch of our 6’8 keeper kept her off the score sheet. Toward the end of the game I decided I was not going to let her run me around any longer. I decided I would commit a quick foul from behind just to let her know I was still there. A few minutes later, she checked back to receive the ball just over midfield, and I had my opportunity. I went to make a hard tackle, nothing malicious, but to her credit she must have saw it coming. Before I knew what happened, her elbow was connecting with my face. She tossed me directly on my ass. By the time I got to my feet, there was blood all over the front of my jersey and I was bleeding profusely from the mouth. I maintain I did not get my ass kicked by a girl, because Abby Wambach is super human.
Abby, if you’re reading this, there is no need to apologize. Go score a few goals against the Italians and we will call it even. And Go Gators.
Time for PUCK’S FREE ADVICE:
If you feel the need to send a picture message with explicit sexual content to your significant other, make sure you don’t accidently send it to someone else like your grandparents.
Time to hit the bar and find some strange, preferably Asian woman to make my wife for an hour or so.
Sorry for partying bitches.
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Puck is the Pop Culture Guy for The Yanks Are Coming. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or you can follow him Blankcheckster City PBR driven rantings on Twitter at @pucklovespbr.