Words that come to mind when thinking about Lane Kiffin: Scumbag, cheater, Eichmann, Benedict Arnold, Glenn Beck , Paul Wolfowitz, the anti-Immortal Technique, Wayne Rooney, selfish prick, reprehensible, liar, the “ice” (opposite of the fire), loser, a clone of love-child of Nick Calathes and Maurice Speights (in that they’re both selfish losers as well), Sharif-Abdur-Rahim divided by Shawn Kemp (two “big names” that never won anything in their lives), Manchester United (evil), Chelsea (evil & communist), Blankchester City (evil & capitalist) and finally…..J-A-C-K-L-E-G.

Let’s go over the last two years or so of this SOB’s life:

September 2008: Lane loses his job after 1+ NFL seasons where he’s gone 4-12 and 1-3. He’s surprised that he gets fired/is asked to resign. Al Davis, a “great judge of character” called him a “flat-out liar” and that he was guilty of “bringing disgrace to the organization.” The Al Davis that thinks you’re a scumbag; you really need to suck to piss this guy off. Eventually, this turns into a media-circus where Lane and Davis take turns releasing statements bashing the other one. Lane does an interview with ESPN; I want to punch him. I actually empathize with Al Davis (never thought I’d say that). He does have a hot wife, though.

November 2008: After failing as Raiders head coach, Mike Hamilton inexcusably hires him as the next coach at Tennessee. Really Mike, really?!?!?!?! 4-12 and 1-3 as an NFL coach, and a media circus that rivals the Ringling Brothers multiplied by April O’Neil later, and you hire this jackass? If Mike Hamilton doesn’t either a.) get fired, or b.) hire Phil Fulmer back as the Tennessee coach for next season, Mike Hamilton’s going to be jackleg next week, but I digress. I mean, I hate Tennessee more than I hate fire ants, broccoli, my car, “The Swamp” (the bar, not the stadium), the fact that Grog House is now considered a “cool bar,” the current version of the UF Crew Team, Bill O’Reilly, Cox digital Cable, John Calipari, bad 2-3 zone defenses, Georgetown, the entire Manning family (more on them later), MB90, Bob Bradley (see, I worked soccer into this cuz I rock!), teams from England that are not Liverpool or Everton, and snakes combined…..and yet, when Lane was hired, I couldn’t help but feel a little bit of empathy for the poor toothless hick inbred bastards. Like seriously…I wanted to go up there and go extreme home makeover on a double-wide or two just to help them out a little bit.

Shortly later: Lane has a press conference where he’s going to “beat Florida and sing Rocky Top all night long in Gainesville.”  I didn’t know Lane could read let alone sing. Urban = good and doesn’t say anything. Incidentally, Tennessee got their asses kicked this season…..

February: Lane Kiffin reports a “recruiting violation” at another press conference that Urban Meyer has committed. He also says something along the lines of “Urban had to cheat and still couldn’t get him…”  Of course, as we all know, Urban Meyer was guilty of nothing, while Kiffin was accused of multiple secondary recruiting violations over the next few weeks.

At one point Kiffin told a recruit that if he went to South Carolina, he’d be “pumping gas for the rest of his life like all the other players from that state that had gone to South Carolina.”  Kiffin denies saying all this, but this story was corroborated by two players, and honestly, after this guy’s track record, who you going to believe. Classy Lane, classy.

Football season: Lane goes 7-6. The highlight of his season was a loss to Alabama where they “only” lose by 2. I’d like to bring up the “No Fear” craze that was huge between ca. 1992 and ca. 1997. They gave us catch phrases such as “He who dies with the most toys still dies,” “If you’re not the leader of the pack, the view never changes,” “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” And finally, the that pertains to this situation: “Second place is the first loser.”  When your big win is a big loss, you are a jackleg.

During football season: Somehow Lane managed to recruit a top-5 class. He undoubtedly made promises similar to the promises guys make to girls at the end of the night at the bar to get them to come home with him. These promises range from “I’ll never leave you” to “we can stay up all night and get to know each other.”

You really think a bunch of football players who are used to throwing game like this at girls on a night-to-night basis are going to fall for this? Maybe it was Kiffin’s impeccable record as a coach that drew them? Simply put, I doubt it. Incidentally, as I’m writing this, I am watching the 4-letter network’s incessant Lame Kitten coverage. It turns out he has already committed another recruiting violation at USC – unbelievable.

Post football season: Kiffin tells Tennessee “Sorry, I’m going to LA…”  After talking more shit than Mike Tyson pre-Evander Holyfield ear biting, failing miserably in the NFL and now the SEC, you’re taking off? Really? What did you do to deserve the NFL job let alone the SEC job? And don’t tell me 3 seasons as O-coordinator at USC where he basically copied Norm Chow’s offense and he had Leinart, Bush, and Lendale White to work with.

You go 5-15, talk a bunch of crap, then go 7-6, talk more shit along the way, ditch your players, ditch your recruits, ditch Tennessee, ditch another coaching challenge (winning in the SEC), and make me actually feel sorry for Tennessee – all just to return to Tinsel Town with Daddy and his friends. You sir, are the definition of a Jackleg.