Jacklegs, May 2010

Jacklegs: Two For Tuesday

[EDITOR’S NOTE]: For some reason, Levy decided to give the Florida Marlins’ fuckface shortstop, Hanley Ramirez, a free pass. Don’t disrespect your manager, teammates and self after such a horrific display of non-effort on the baseball field. Go get stuffed, you lazy piece of shit.

Amidst all the World Cup related news and views going down lately, we here at The Yanks Are Coming have sadly neglected one of the hallmarks of this site. We’ve done without one of the features that the most important blog of our time was built on; it’s been awhile since we’ve called out a jackleg.

Does this mean the soccer world’s been free of the plague of jackleggery for an appreciable period of time? Don’t be ridiculous. We’ve just been too busy debating the relative merits and limitations of guys like Clarence Goodson to grab the offenders by the scruff of the neck and y’know, shove their noses in it.  “Look what you did! NO!” But fear not, we’re coming correct today, and in true radio fashion, we’ve got two for ya, and we’re gonna do ’em back to back.

Gary Neville: Mr. Neville is Manchester United’s longtime right back. He’s also a big-time jackleg. Gary’s jackleg resume is long and storied, and to try and give you the entire rundown would be near impossible in the given space. Suffice it to say that Neville is a self-important little snot who shoots his mouth off whenever possible, half the time saying absolutely inane and/or idiotic things. It doesn’t help that Neville looks like a drowned rat who barely missed out on a bit part in the movie Flushed Away. This past season as a 35-year-old man Gary took the opportunity to deride and flick off former Red Devil teammate Carlos Tevez from the sidelines. Neville was warming up for a possible substitute appearance at the time because Fergie hardly plays him anymore, but somehow the dude still thinks he’s the captain of the team.

This week the geriatric full back called out England coach Fabio Capello, possibly the greatest living football manager, for not putting enough right backs on his World Cup roster. Gary then tried to play it off like his injured pride didn’t motivate those comments. Fail. But he wasn’t done. Neville then called Capello desperate for trying to coax his fellow Man U golden generation boy Paul Scholes out of international retirement. This is probably a fair assessment, but it’s not acceptable out of the guy that likes to consider himself such a good soldier for crown and country. And now for my favorite part! Amidst lauding his buddy Scholes for sticking to his guns, Gary said that Scholes is, “probably the country’s best midfielder.” Seriously, he said this! PAUL SCHOLES is laughing at that statement Gary! He’s the Ginger Prince, and like you he’s thirty freakin’ five! Someone, probably Nemanja Vidi?, needs to slap Gary Neville in the face and tell him it’s not 1996 anymore. I can’t imagine too many United players enjoy dealing with the little rodent as he bounces around the locker room raving about the “new” Bush album and inviting teammates over to his place to watch Jumanji on laser disc.

Raymond Domenech: Ray is the France’s national team’s manager, and he has a job because Zinedine Zidane is awesome at soccer. Ray D chooses his France squads based more on feel and astrology (I’m not kidding) than actual footballing acumen. He did so in 2006, and Zidane bailed him out be being far and away the best outfield player in the tournament and guiding the team all the way to the final where he stole the show in a different way with the headbutt heard round the world.

With Zidane retired, Domenech then picked a curious Euro 2008 squad, leaving out guys like David Trezeguet and Phillipe Mexès while calling upon an internationally retired Claude Makélelé because he decided it was his right. Claude subsequently complained that the manager was treating him like a monkey by calling on him, and Trezeguet went as far as to say that he’ll never play for Domenech and to assert that you could have debatebly picked a better France squad for Euro ’08 from the pool of French players who didn’t receive an invite to camp.

Surprisingly, Domenech still has his job, and unsurprisingly he’s at it again, making questionable selection decisions and treating players like garbage! Firstly, Ray left Real Madrid’s Karim Benzema off the roster. Benzema has been struggling to get starts at Real, but the guys in front of him are Higuain, Raul, C-Ron, etc. It doesn’t change the fact that Benzema is 22 and is pretty much a goal scoring machine. How is he not on this roster? It probably has nothing to do with soccer, Karim might have been mean to Domenech in a dream, or maybe his astrological sign isn’t pleasing to the manager. Worse than that omission, former national team captain Patrick Vieira, who was bidding for a World Cup call up with his solid play at Manchester City, had to learn of his omission from the team by watching the selection on TV! Talk about not knowing where your bread’s been buttered; if I’m Domenech I’m giving that guy a call and letting him know what’s up prior to the media, I’m quite certain he’s earned it. But I am not Raymond Domenech. Raymond Domenech is a jackleg. A jackleg who is set to be replaced by former Bordeaux manager Laurent Blanc right after the World Cup. For most Les Bleus fans, the change can’t come soon enough.

Jon Levy is a senior writer and managing editor for The Yanks Are Coming. He can be reached at jon@yanksarecoming.com or @TYAC_Jon.

Jon Levy