It is time to pump up the K’naan on your ghetto blaster and pull out an icy cool beverage of choice…as long as its not some bullshit English brew. By way of explanation, the number in parentheses behind the country name is the moneyline odds to advance past the group stage. I’m excited, you’re excited, let’s get right to it (that’s what she said).
This group features the cheaters from France (-275), the two time former World Cup champion Uruguay (even), the fighting sombreros of Mexico (-110), and the host nation of South Africa (+185). In the opinion of this fake journalist, Group A is going to be a battle between France and Uruguay (on opening day)… I’ll take the winner of that fixture to move along with Mexico. The most predictable of predictions is to simply state that South Africa will not advance, so I’ll go that route.
Predictable Prediction: South Africa goes (stays) home. Mexico +1 invited to knockout round.
This fearsome foursome is made up of Argentina (-900), Nigeria (-105), South Korea (+250), and Greece (+140). Clearly the favorites to advance from this group are the Argentinians along with the Nigerians, and this being predictable predictions, who am I to argue.
Predictable Prediction: Argentina and Nigeria move on.
The most important group of all is comprised of the US(tanky leg) of A (-150), Slovenia (+180), Algeria (+350), and the no good, limey, sex free Brits (-1400) (ex post facto move by Fabio Capello). Bottom line here, I hope Algeria and Slovenia didn’t make hotel reservations into July…actually I don’t give a shit how long they stay.
Predictable Prediction: Saturday afternoon is going to be really fun. The Yanks and the English advance.
Germany (-425), Serbia (-120), Ghana (+125) and Australia (+230) make up Group D. If my predictions weren’t so damn predictable, I would consider taking the Ghana Black Stars to advance. However, I leave the serious business to the other guys.
Predictable Prediction: Germany and Serbia advance. Also, I would like to see Mos Def and Kweli reunite for an album.
Group E features Japan (+300), Denmark (+105), Cameroon (-110), and the Netherlands (-600). I really like the Dutch, unlike Nigel Powers. The battle of Group E comes down to the June 19th match-up of Denmark and Cameroon.
Predictable Prediction: Japan has no chance. The Netherlands and guest move along.
Italy (-1000), Paraguay (-200), Slovakia (+115), and New Zealand (+900) comprise Group F. It would be rather stupid to pick against the defending champions, and stupidity is not what predictable predictions is all about.
Predictable Prediction: Italy advances, New Zealand doesn’t (apologies to Jermaine and Bret).
There always must be one “group of death” and Group G fills that role with Brazil (-900), Portugal (-175), North Korea (+1100) and the Ivory Coast (even). I really hope that Drogba can find a way to play with a destroyed elbow. Whether you like him or not, he is fun to watch. I’ve heard a lot of talk that the Samba Boys will not be playing the “beautiful game” that we have become accustomed to, I hope that is not the case.
Predictable Prediction: Gonna be a long flight back to North Korea.
Spain (-2500), Chile (-140), Switzerland (+140) and Honduras (+475) make up the final group. If you are still reading this, I’m guessing you are a friend of mine… so meet me Saturday at Molly Malone’s. Spain is the predictable prediction to win the whole ball of wax, so clearly I have to take them to get out of the group stage. Also, I’ll take the high altitude training of the Patagonian toothfish to help move them through to the knockout stage.
Predictable Prediction: Spain and Chile.
Dru Boyer is a contributing writer for The Yanks Are Coming. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or on Twitter @druboyer.