Premier League Pints

Premier League Pints: Manchester City is insanely good

Pep Guardiola has led Manchester City to an unprecedented start, setting a Premier League record for points gathered through the first 13 games of a season.

KYLE BONN

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In a year where one team is dominating the Premier League, there sure is plenty to discuss.

Naturally, we start here: is this Manchester City team the best team in Premier League history? Some of those Manchester United sides under Sir Alex Ferguson were dominant, and the Invincibles were of course one of the best, but this Pep Guardiola masterpiece surely has to be in the conversation if they continue like this the rest of the season. The team has pummeled the league, and even 2-1 comeback victories are beautifully crafted obliterations when you truly break them down. The biggest title-winning margin is 18 points by the Red Devils in 1999/2000, and City has almost half of that a third into the season. Buckle up, because you could be witnessing history the rest of the season.

“But we’re only in November!” you say. Well, here’s how you know Manchester City has already won the league: we’re 12 games in, and the 2nd place team is already giving us the “we still believe we can win” and “I’m a fighter” lines. City’s got everyone right where they want em. It’s already David vs. Golaith and we’re a third of the way in.

Goodnight.

Below City in the table, it appears Arsenal has righted the ship at the expense of North London foes Spurs, who are suddenly sputtering. But have the Gunners truly turned it around? One game will not convince me they are here to stay, but I’m impressed with their North London Derby win, and Mesut Ozil impressed me the most. The German is someone I’ve given plenty of flak, but he had a good performance. Now, if only he could replicate that form and dedication through an entire season…

The Gunners played well, but does North London Derby scoreline beg more credit to Arsenal or blame to Spurs? I’m more inclined to go with the latter, as a usually well-prepared team looked woefully surprised by Arsenal’s energy, almost like they believed the game was over before kickoff. That is not something that reflects well on Mauricio Pochettino.

Let’s talk about Everton for a second. The Toffees are in complete disrepair, which is plain as day for everyone to see. What surprises me the most, however, is how hapless a defense with Phil Jagielka and Leighton Baines can be. Those two are battle tested, experienced veterans who have been at the heart of some fabulous back lines over the years. And yet, when you examine the tape, Jagielka especially is absolutely lost. In the 4-1 loss to Southampton, he was out of position, disinterested, and just generally clueless. On all four Saints goals, you can see him somewhere on screen either failing to mark a defender at the penalty spot, or acres upfield and nowhere to be found on the counter. It’s a sad disintegration of a formerly solid defender.

Also, speaking of sad disintegration of formerly solid players at Everton…

Hey let’s get to the part where we drink beverages. Everton fans especially, to the pints!

THE BEAUTIFUL GAME:

Do you like stellar football? Do you enjoy gorgeous one-touch passing, scintillating build-up play, gritty defending, and quality refereeing? Then the 2-2 draw between Brighton and Stoke is most definitely not for you!

This glittering 90 minutes of pure featured none of the aforementioned luxuries of the beautiful game, and instead was a sloppy putrid mess. AND IT WAS SPECTACULAR. It featured hilariously tragic defending, gobs of long balls, and a pitchful of the most awkward, lumbering “attacking play” you’ve ever set eyes upon. It was like giving 22 penguins a soccer ball and blowing the whistle. Seriously, if you ever feel down on life because you wish you had been a professional soccer player instead of your boring accounting career, grab a choice beverage, sit back, and enjoy this match. For every Gabriel Jesus there’s a Glenn Murray, for every Eden Hazard there’s three Xherdan Shaqiris, and for every Vincent Kompany there’s five Lewis Dunks. This match was the Dirty Jobs episode of the Premier League season.

MATCH BALLS: 

-Match ball to this mall-goer whose valiant effort at some spontaneous fun ended up answering the age-old question “what is more embarrassing than being nutmegged?” We have our answer:

Let’s see it from another angle! OH! It’s even better! We get to see the balloon land disrespectfully yet gracefully on this man’s head moments after his life has been mercilessly snuffed out.

-Match ball to Emmanuel Adebayor, who comes OFF THE TOP ROPE!

I have so many mixed emotions on this. I’m furious at anyone taking unsolicited potshots at the legendary Tomas Rosicky, and yet I’m still howling.

-Match ball to Arsene Wenger, for…making a tactical switch? No, that can’t be right. Wenger doesn’t do silly things like make in-game adjustments. “I pushed Sanchez more in the middle in the second half, he was much more influential.” Oh…Wait hold on. So you were NOT playing Alexis in the middle for the first half of the match?

YELLOW CARDS:

-Yellow card to Arsene Wenger to playing Alexis Sanchez out wide for the first half against Burnley.

-Yellow card to Mauricio Pochettino for failing to secure enough depth to effectively rotate his squad. Fatigue seems to betaking a toll on Spurs stars who have not been rested yet this season. Christian Eriksen has started every single game for Spurs this season except for one Champions League match and one EFL Cup game. He has not sat since September 26th. And as a result, Eriksen has been involved in just one goal since October 14th. Eric Dier too has played 90 minutes in every Spurs game except 3 this season, and his performance levels have dropped significantly. Can Pochettino figure out a way to get his best players some rest? Depth is not exactly Tottenham’s strong suit.

RED CARDS:

-Red card to the goalkeeping performance on either end of this Championship match. Just send em both off and put position players between the sticks

These professional soccer players are trying their very best to do soccer really good, but sometimes they make mistakes, and we shouldn’t laugh when they do soccer really bad. Right? No, it’s funny as hell. Go ahead and laugh your tails off as they flub their way to a lowlights reel. The Sky Sports booth certainly obliged.

-Red card to Crystal Palace, West Ham, Everton, West Brom, and Leicester City for continuing the cycle of managerial regurgitation in English soccer, while Sean Dyche continues to plod along at Burnley calmly dismantling the rest of the league, somehow STILL under the radar. HOW has no Premier League side thrown handfuls of cash at Dyche yet?! The Clarets are in 7th and nearly held Arsenal down again this weekend, with the Alexis Sanchez penalty the first goal they conceded in a month. But go ahead, hire Alan Pardew again or something.

-Red card to every team that passed on Dries Mertens this past summer. Did you know the Napoli attacker has a $33 million release clause!?!?!?!

He’s worth twice that. At least.

GOAL OF THE COLUMN:

Luton Town scored 7 on Cambridge. One of them was from their own half

SAVE OF THE COLUMN:

Watford’s Heurelho Gomes is the most average of goalkeepers, but every so often he pulls something like this out of the bag.

MISS OF THE SEASON:  

We found it. Nothing will beat this, so I am confident we can close the book on the Miss of the Season award right now and just hand out the award. DERP.

STATS OF THE COLUMN:

Week 12:

Week 13:

City is so unbelievably good

PEP GUARDIOLA’S DANCE MOVES ARE OUTSTANDING 

WEIRDEST PRESS CONFERENCE MOMENT:

How about an Ashes moment to finish off our pints? After Australia won the opening test of the series, Aussie opener Cameron Bancroft said in the post-match presser that he met England wicket-keeper Jonny Bairstow at the bar a few nights back, and instead of receiving a handshake, he was greeted by…a headbutt?

That’s one way to welcome your opponent.

Daniel Seco