Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back into another Happy Hour. With the January Transfer Window firmly in our rear-view, it will be interesting to see which moves actually pan out. I know I will be looking to see if Torres and Drogba can really play together.
If Torres manages to score against Liverpool on Sunday, forget about the earthquake Marshawn Lynch caused in Seattle, Stamford Bridge might implode. At the same time, will the 35 million pound purchase of Andy Carroll prove to be worth it? I certainly think the guy is a stud but 35 million – that’s a little much. I know that is kind of ironic coming from a Man City fan, but it’s my team that is supposed to have all the money. I think it is time for both a point of procedure and an apology. First of all, it has been too long since our last Yankette post. Our last showcase in the best of American women was the pride of Gator Country, Erin Andrews all the way back in May 2010. We wanted to give this feature the respect it deserves in profiling the greatest women our fine country has to offer. As the World Cup took over our daily lives throughout the summer, the feature fell by the wayside. To put the situation in the words of one longtime reader, “dude you’re being very undude right now.” While this was a difficult
time, there is still no excuse. A couple weeks ago we had what you might call a State of the Union for TYAC. During that meeting the possibility of eliminating the Yankette feature was discussed. Being a true believer in profiling the best America has to offer I could not let that happen. Therefore, I will be your new Yankette feature writer. To make things simple, the Yankette feature will be rolled into my current column and will run during the first full week of each month. Before revealing the Yankette of the month, but at the same time keeping in the spirit of the best American has to offer, TYAC wants to send a big shout out to Kristine Lilly who recently
announced her retirement from both professional and USWNT duties. Besides being on the squad that inspired the next generation of women soccer players, she and the rest of the team made it OK for grown men watch a woman’s sport that did not involve lingerie. In all seriousness, Lilly is one of the most prolific footballers in American history, man or woman. She holds the all time appearance record for both the USWNT and USMNT at 352, a record that will probably never be broken. Kristine Lilly, we at TYAC salute you. Enjoy retirement, you earned it. Now in order to really bring the Yankette of the month back in style, we at TYAC discussed several possible options. When push came to shove, there was only one real woman that demonstrated all the qualities we look for in a Yankette. To be completely truthful, this young woman was supposed to be our Yankette when the World Cup got started, but as previously mentioned, the game with England took over our lives. Ladies and gentlemen please allow me to introduce you to the Yankette of the month for February 2011: the one, the only, Natalie Portman. While talking about the wonderful qualities of our most recent Yankette could very well produce a John Adams quality biography, we all need to be heading to our favorite watering holes shortly. Keeping that in mind, I will hit you with just the choice nuggs.Simply put, Natalie Portman is what most men on the planet are looking for. Guys already now this, but women may not be so familiar. Every man has a potential top 5 or even top 10 list of women rattling around in their head. If you were to go ahead and take a quick poll, I bet you a case of the finest PBR that over 70% of them have her in there somewhere. To give her the justice she really merits, we need to quickly run through the qualities that make her so prevalent on these Top Ten lists. First of all, just take a look at her; if you don’t think Natalie Portman is gorgeous, you wouldn’t know a good time if it sat on your face. She somehow ended up with the miraculous combination of your sexy down to earth girl next store and classic Hollywood elegance. Let’s put it this way. Natalie Portman has been, and will continue to be number one on my Top Five list. How many women can still look sexy after shaving there head? Certainly not many, but our Yankette can. Forget just men, other women even think our Yankette is America at its finest. If you haven’t heard, and I am guessing you probably have, Mila Kunis is a BIG fan. If I were to write about all the things I would do to her in a sexual situation, my First Amendment rights would be called into question. Natalie Portman is not just a pretty face, you need talent to be a Yankette, and she has boatloads of it. Over the course of her already stellar career she has proven that there is no role outside her ability to play. She has already won two Golden Globes.If she does not end up winning the Oscar for Best Actress this month for her performance in Black Swan, they should do what the Heisman Trust has done and leave the year vacant a la Reggie Bush. Hell even Kobe Bryant wants his teammates bringing it more like Natalie Portman. You don’t end up being such a magnificent thespian without having your wits about you. Of course this all makes sense considering that she has a degree from Harvard University. I don’t want to hear that shit about how once you get into Harvard you can do just about anything to get a degree. Our Yankette is a published author. Dr Raf and I know a little something about publications in scientific journals, and let me tell you that shit isn’t easy. Finally, and the most importantly for men out there is the funny factor. No guy wants to be with a girl that can’t at least make him laugh after a shitty day at the office. That being said I want to leave you with a couple videos that prove just how funny our newly crowned Yankette can be. First, check out her Between Two Ferns Episode with Zach Galaflanaksi. The fact the she can stay in character for that whole clip amazes me. If that is not your cup of tea, you know you will wet yourself when you watch her uncensored SNL rap. Once again Natalie Portman, we at TYAC honor you for representing the Red White and Blue so well. Congratulations on the engagement and your pregnancy. If only you had meet me first. I think it’s about time for PUCKS FREE ADVICE: Its Super Bowl weekend people, I should not have to tell you that Sunday you need to get together with a bunch of family and friends, and watch the Packers take on Ben Rape-more-berger and the Stealers. My free advice goes out to those of you that really don’t care who wins the game. You need to pick a side. Watching the game is always more fun when you have someone else at the festivities that you can verbally berate when things don’t go their way. It’s Time to hit store and get the keg of PBR on ice for the Super Bowl festivities, should be an epic weekend. Sorry for partying bitches… Puck is the Pop Culture Guy for The Yanks Are Coming. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org and you can follow him musings about Manchester City, PBR, busty women, and Syracuse basketball on Twitter at @pucklovespbr.
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