There’s nothing unfortunate about Tess Taylor…
In life, and usually in sports, it helps to be really, really, really ridiculously good looking. We all know the usually suspects: Tom Brady, David Beckham, Tony Parker, and Derek Jeter – just to name a few. These men have all made their mark by being all-stars and legends in their respective sports while also dating and marrying some of the world’s finest broads. This post is not about those men.
It’s time to give some credit to those gentlemen who you may see on the pitch in South Africa that have been beaten from head to toe by an ugly stick.
Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present the 2010 Unfortunate 11.
First of all, this is not simply a list of the world’s most, well, unfortunate looking footballers. While it is a group of players that the TYAC staff and I selected based on ugliness, the men on the list were picked on the basis of forming a starting squad. Why don’t we start from the back?
Goalkeeper: Mark Schwarzer, Australia
I won’t lie, finding a truly terrible looking man to anchor the squad’s defense was more difficult than I had expected. I was sure that one of the Eastern European nations would have a hobo looking net-minder. Then I finally remember the old standby. Simply put, Schwarzer’s lumpy face looks like it was made out of modeling clay. His one more shot in the face away from being a featured extra in a Fight Club sequel.
Left Back: Mikael Silvestre, France
Just look at the shape of this guy’s head. He is either a direct descendent of the missing link, or he wakes up each day and puts his head in a vice. Either way, it’s painful to look at.
Right Back: Bacary Sagna, France
First of all, the hair is just terrible. Bleach blonde braids are never OK, even when your 16-year-old daughter gets them done on your Caribbean vacation.
Center Back: Joleon Lescott, England
I love this guy and his balding head, too bad he has spent most of his time on the bench at Blankcheckster City due to some injury problems. His talent on the field is only match by the growth on his forehead. What the hell is that thing?
Center Back, Carles Puyol, Spain
There is simply nothing attractive about this guy. The hair looks like it has not been washed in a decade and his face looks like it’s been beaten in by a tire iron. He reminds me of a boxer after the end of a glorious
career, whose facial muscles are so destroyed he can’t show any emotion.
Central Midfield, Gilles Binya, Cameroon
I honestly have never heard of this guy until trying to put together this list.
When his picture came up on my laptop I could not stop laughing. Let’s start with the giant gap in his teeth – Michael Strahan would be jealous. He has one of the most unsymmetrical lumpy faces I have ever seen. Pair that with a giant nose and you got one tenacious and ugly holding midfielder.
Left Midfield, Franck Ribery, France
Ribery truly embodies the “unfortunate” title of this squad as the majority of his look is due to a terrible car wreck his family was in when he was two years old. Either way, the writers of Vanilla Sky must have used Franck when writing the script. At this point, I am starting to feel bad for the French; they are the leaders in the clubhouse with three men on the Unfortunate 11.
Right Midfield, Ronaldinho, Brazil
The most experienced and captain of the Unfortunate 11, Ronaldinho’s long face, curly hair and notorious buck-teeth have always reminded me of a giraffe. I hope I am not alone.
Attacking Midfield/Forward, Carlos Tevez, Argentina
I have struggles with a way to accurately describe my favorite player’s truly ugly nature. And then I stumbled upon this picture. I have never thought that Carlos looked like a woman, but he does look a bit like ABC’s Ugly Betty. If he ever learned how to speak a word of English, he needs to make a cameo appearance in a mistaken identity episode (but I think the show is canceled).
Center Forward, Wayne Rooney, England
Besides being a constant jackleg, Rooney looks like an ugly English bulldog. It can also explain his knack for picking up terrible red cards in pivotal moments.
Target Forward, Peter Crouch, England
Without a doubt, Crouch is one of the ugliest men in football. His tall and awkwardly lanky body is pair with the face of a handicapped kid in the South Park cartoons. I don’t think you could have put together a better combination to end this list. Also of note was the sexy photo shoot his girlfriend posed for in the most recent SI swimsuit issue.
That’s the team. I think they would have an excellent chance winning some games against world class competition. If you think I am omitting anyone from the list, please feel free to comment and tell me what you think.
To see another example of an Unfortunate 11 (or 10), feel free to click on the button marked “STAFF” above. PBR time!
Puck is the pop culture guru for The Yanks Are Coming. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.