A couple of nights ago, I watched the end of a terrible performance by my favorite hockey team, the Buffalo Sabres. After putting together a solid two-goal lead, I felt pretty good entering the third period. Then in typical Buffalo fashion, we went and fucked it all up. After a few idiotic penalties, the Bruins got back into the game, and won in overtime. The series is now essentially over. Nice job wasting the best goalie in the world, you jacklegs.
Watching this game helped me realize what a
completely pathetic and tortured sports fans existence I live. Let me give you just a quick breakdown on the teams I love, and how they consistently fail me.
NFL Buffalo Bills:
We have all heard the joke, BILLS stands for “Boy I Love Losing Super Bowls.” The next person that says that stupid joke to me again will get a Walt Kowalski style tirade swiftly followed by my boot up their ass. The list of Bills problems is epic. I could potentially have a blog dedicated just to how much they blow. If losing four Super Bowls in a row was painful enough, I
then had to deal with the Rob Johnson era and the “Forward Pass.” (Everywhere else in the world outside of western NY, its know as “The Music City Miracle”) The Bills haven’t made the playoffs in over a decade, and I can’t wait to see how Chan Gailey puts the team back another decade with a terrible first round draft pick in C.J. Spiller.
NHL Buffalo Sabres:
Finally we are back in the playoffs, but we will blow. Getting our shit pushed in by the Bruins is just demoralizing. If losing every good player we ever had during their prime wasn’t enough, we had to lose the Stanley Cup to Brett Hall
and this band of jacklegs. That fuckers skate was in the crease!! You don’t believe how bad it can get for the Sabres? Go ask Ted Nolan. After making it to the playoffs with a bunch of nobodies, he got fired and floated through the hockey underworld until finding a job in the NHL in 2006. The only thing that is great about being a Sabres fan is the Voice of the Sabres, Rick Jeanneret. Check out some of his best calls here.
EPL Manchester City
Yes, I know the new Arab Oil owners have spent, and will continue to spend an absolute fuck ton of money. However, it’s not really going to get us to win the EPL, or a Champions League spot. “It’s like the story of the Hippo”. Basically you can change all the players on the field, but you can’t change what the club has done for years. Us City fans have a name for it, “Typical City.” We do some excellent things like beating Chelsea twice in a year and follow that up by losing or drawing to teams like Sunderland and Hull City. Just inexcusable. A perfect example was last weekend, letting the oldest player on the pitch beat us with a stoppage time goal in the Manchester Derby. Fuck you Paul Scholes.
Some of you readers may be wondering, “What the hell does you pain and suffering have to do with the USMNT?” Let me explain. The USMNT
has a history of starting off all international competitions well. These starts may not always end in positive results, but at least the team looks like they will be in good form for the remainder of the competition. Then suddenly, the shit hits the fan and we revert back to our old terrible play. The only recent exception was last summers Confederations Cup. My fatalistic sports fandom has me consistently thinking about the worst-case scenarios for the USMNT this summer.
My vision for the worst-case scenario goes something like this. In the opening round match against our formal colonial power, Dempsey finds his magic touch in about the 38 min. We proceed to play some intense bunker defense and escape with a 1-0 victory against perennial jackleg Wyane Rooney and Co. After this miraculous win, Landon has some sort of panic attack; MB90 is tossed out of the tourney for sucker punching Fabio Capello after the match; and Coach Bradley suffers some sort of stroke because he tried to actually smile. The USMNT then loses its next two matches 1-0 to inferior opponents and gets to spend the rest of June trying to figure out exactly what the fuck just happened.
Hopefully this does not all come true. If
it does, everyone should begin to refer to me a Puckstradomis.
if you want to break my balls about being a Yankees fan, kiss my ass. Everyone deserves one winner. Things could be worse; I could be rooting for the soon to be relegated West Ham. (How’s that taste, Jon Levy?)
Big party this evening at TYAC home offices tonight, email me if you are in the area and want directions. We will be partying until the PBR stops flowing. See you by the
fire pit, bitches.
Puck is the pop culture guru for The Yanks Are Coming. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.