Ladies and Gentlemen welcome back into another Happy Hour. After the damage I did to my liver last weekend, getting through these last few days has been a struggle. While the Gators loss to LSU was a swift kick in the sack, the fact that I had about six friends in town from my undergraduate days made the whole weekend an excellent. Big shout out to the boys from Richmond,: here’s to whiffle ball, airplane bottles, and keg stands.
Trying to make it into the office Monday morning was a challenge thanks to you all.
Now, lets move onto some other important knews of note– FAROE ISLANDS EURO UPDATE!!!
Faroe Islands, you blew your chance. After this round of Euro 2012 qualifying, you managed to concede enough goals to surpass the 14 goal limit I previously set. Its really too bad, I was so ready to have nearly 50,000 PBR tall boys send to your tiny island nation and become a cult hero and ledgend amongst the people. In order to help heal your wounds (and mine), I present to you a picture of Megan Fox repping the best beer ever made.
Let’s get to something I really wanted to talk about. It’s the middle of October, so you know what time it is at many college campuses across the country, Homecoming.
This weekend event has been, and will continue to be one of my favorite weekends of the year. This weekend is Homecoming here at Florida and it is sure to be an absolute blast– we even get the day off Friday. A boatload of characters will be flying in from all over the country for the occasian. Representing the Midwest, the real King of Ohio, Scharfy. Hailing from the Rocky Mountains, the anal assassian, Big B. Finally, the folks responsible for the creation of TYAC, as well as the parent’s of writer and blight upon society Jon ‘Lighting Cup” Levy. Now that we all know the cast of characters, it’s time to list just a few reasons why Homecoming weekend rules.
1) Your playing a cupcake team, so you should win.
Losing your Homecoming game is unexceptable. School Athetic Directors try and schedule schools that usually have directional adjectives, such as Western Michigan or East Tennessee State years ahead of time to secure their squads a gurranteed win. If you are a Divison I school that loses its homecoming game, you should be forced into relegation much like West Ham and Everton will be this year. Oh, and if you went to a directional school, I’m sorry…sort of. You should expect these jokes. Plus, I texted Bill Simmons to make sure they were okay, and he said….
2) Free Dinners
I don’t know about you, but food paid for on somone elses coin always tastes a little better. Especially when it is a coffee and bourbon marinated steak with garlic mashed potatos accompanied by an bottomless glass of Jameson. (Thanks Dan’s Mom!) If you go to a pretty large school, there is probably a realative of yours that also got shit hammered and did some occasional studying at the same school as well. If you attended some small liberal arts school like myself, at least one of your friends’ parents will be in town to see what college is “really” like. You and your friends should absolutely use this Homecoming opportunity to weasel your way into some free grub. As I previously mentioned, “Lightning Cup’s” parents will be in town checking out the Homecoming celebration. I fully plan on bum rushing my way into a nice evening of food and drinks with the familiy. Hell Jon’s better half is out of town: he deserves to take a date, and that might as well be my fat ass.
3) Reliving the Dream
I don’t care where you
went to school, or who you hung out with, college will forever be the only real time in your life when you are completely free to do whatever the fuck it is you want. You are allowed to study what you want, drink what you want, and fuck who you want. Sure there are some “requirments” along the way, but for the most part, its all up to you. The rest of your life will never be like that again. Coming back for Homecoming allows you to relive all those moments. Go back to the same bars or pubs, fist pump in a dorm room like it was 1998. When you are back in town for Homecoming, no one is going to judge your for kicking ass.
4) Rewrite History
Some of you office drones out there may have in fact been the Tri Lamda type in the Revenge of the Nerds Movies. It sucks I know, but not everyone can fuck prom queen, unless she is a total slamhog. Going back to the old stomping grounds gives you the chance to rewrite the history books. Walk around campus like you were the Big Swining Dick of the town during your undergraduate days, and even though you weren’t– no one is going to know the wiser. However, you don’t want to go too extreme. For example, don’t walk into your old fraternity of sorority house and continue to tell people what a “legend” you are. You will just look like a total prick, and most likely be tazed in the genitals.
5) Old Flames
The excellence of Homecoming is raised even higher when there is a lovely guy or gal that you used to “tonsil box” with years ago. Hopefully, each of you are not seeing anyone, and Homecoming sets up a nice “how you been” bang for old times sake. This scenario can be tricky however. Make sure you get some preliminary feelers before you go in for the kill. Even if you don’t have that old squeeze returning to campus, if you think like me, there has to be that one person on your “why not?” list returning to campus for the weekend.
In most cases, it will most likely be the person you always wanted to sleep with, but never did because of the embarassment that would ensue if your friends found out. The beauty of Homecoming is that fact that in less the 48 hours of the act, you should be out of town and in the clear. It’s the best of both worlds, you get to bed that skanky (or classy, I don’t know) girl, or juice-head jersey boy, without having to hear shit from your friends.
PUCK’S FREE ADIVCE:
If you read this coloum, you know how much I love my future ex-wife Katy Perry. She makes me big in my pants any time I see her. While trying to check out her new track “Peacock” off Teenage Dream, I stumbled upon a video montage. Some dude got on Chat Roulette and danced to this jam.
Do yourself a favor, grab your favorite cocktail and watch peoples reactions to this jackleg. If you don’t laugh, you have no idea what funny is. Head to the video HERE.
Time to hit theLiquor Store to pick up a some Old Crow and PBR, it’s going to be one hell of a weekend.
Sorry for Partying Bitches.