Yanks fans, after the success of the “Ten People Who Would Ruin A Party” post, it got me and the rest of pay for research paper the TYAC staff thinking about people who actually add something to a party. After a couple weeks of careful consideration, I assembled a list of ten footballers, other athletes, and fictional characters that I want to party with me. It is important to remember that this is just a preliminary list. With enough time, I could probably produce a comprehensive top 100 people who making partying awesome. Honestly, I don’t have the time, energy, or patience for that, and secondly the editor-in-chief Dan “I spend 90 percent of my day in the bathroom” Seco would kill me. Also, remember, this list is in no particular order.
Bill and Ted
Bill and Ted, you ask? Think about all the cool shit we would get to do together. We could drink PBR and time travel anywhere we wanted – endless possibilities. After drinking a 12 pack of PBR and smoking some medicinal, Wyld Stallyns and I would hop in the phone booth and travel back to 1992 to quench our continued thirst with some Crystal Pepsi. For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about check out the greatest commercial ever here. Bill: Ted, while I agree that, in time, our band will be most triumphant. The truth is, Wyld Stallyns will never be a super band until we have Eddie Van Halen on guitar. Ted: Yes, Bill. But, I do not believe we will get Eddie Van Halen until we have a triumphant video. Bill: Ted, it’s pointless to have a triumphant video before we even have decent instruments. Ted: Well, how can we have decent instruments when we don’t really even know how to play? Bill: That is why we NEED Eddie Van Halen! Ted: And THAT is why we need a triumphant video. Bill, Ted: EXCELLENT!
No, I am not talking about Jack Black, nor am I referring to the pleasantly plump third baseman from the San Francisco Giants. I literally mean the cartoon character. Ask anyone on TYAC staff, whenever this movie is on TV, I have to watch it. Let me quickly break this down for you. Physically, I am not the best looking guy in the world. I am short, round, and way too hairy. That joke you hear about someone always wearing a sweater, they are talking about my hairy ass. I would put a picture up, but it would most definitely scare off the remaining female readers. (Other than Amy S., but I will get to her later.) Basically, Kung-Fu-Panda makes me believe that short, round, hairy people can still do great things.
Just look at him. He is the guy you want around when you have had a few too many drinks. All the tattoos and that scary look he gets in his eyes when you piss him off. He reminds me of my boy Suggs, who was a strong contender for this list. These two would get along great. I can just picture the three of us getting absolutely shit hammered while listening to Metallica in our sleeveless T-shirts and bandanas. Hell, even Raf would love that party.
First, this guy is my favorite hockey player ever. His greatness was confirmed by the absolute show he put on during the recent Olympics. Without this guy between the pipes, we don’t make it to the gold medal game. However, my man crush on Miller is not only about his work on this ice, but also his work with the ladies. Being a native of Western New York, and having several close friends in the area, I have it on good authority that during his early tenure in the NHL the mercurial net minder would offer this gem at local Buffalo bars, “Hi, I am the goalie for the Buffalo Sabres, you DTF?” What balls on this guy!
This guy is a personal hero. When all the other coaches in the NCAA are rocking suits and ties by the bench, Huggins is wearing the same sweat suit he passed out in the night before. The other great thing about having a guy like Huggins around to party with is getting home from the bars. I am not a fan of drunk driving, but if I am hammered enough, I love drunken riding. Bob does not have the same philosophy. Don’t tell Bob Huggins not to drive drunk, you just don’t do that.
It would be much easier for me to try and list the
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reasons I would not want to party with Craig instead of the endless list of reasons why he’s the fucking man. Simply put, he kicks ass. Anyone who can call John Terry an asshole on international television is someone I want at my party. Imagine all the hysterical shit Bellamy would spout after a few car bombs. Damn right, Craig Bellamy is the life of the party.
2007 Bears QBs Brian Griese, Kyle Orton, and Rex Grossman
These three guys are notorious for partying, and making no apologizes for it. Trust me, just Google image search any of their names with the word “drunk” at the end and you will find some excellent shots of hot trim and bottles of Jack Daniels. Can’t you just picture these three on an early Saturday morning practice after a night of partying? Lest I forget to mention the year Grossman admitted to the media that he was completely checked out of a meaningless game against the Packers because he was thinking about his New Year’s Eve plans. Excellent.
This young lady is one of our most loyal readers that consistently lets us know when we do well or occasionally miss the mark. Also relevant, she is hot chick that bartends in Berkeley, California with an entire stable of other hot chick friends. How do I know this? Stay tuned to the site, seems like we haven’t had a Faces In The Crowd Yankette in a while…
Who wouldn’t want to party with this guy? He’s young, good looking, and an international star. Let’s not forget that the guy is also tough as nails. He buried a must-have penalty on a broken leg just to give his squad the privilege of getting blown out by Messi and the rest of the Barca squad. With him on the bench, Arsenal has no realistic shot of winning the EPL title this season. While I am clearly Fabregas super-fan #1, I want to party with him for a completely different reason. Cesc would be the greatest wing-man ever. He is consistently amongst the league leaders in assists, always making the right pass to a teammate with an opportunity to score. Out at some shitty European club, I am sure Cesc would do the honorable thing toss one my way.
If you haven’t seen Cocktail, I suggest you get your shit together and make it happen. This movie is an all-time classic, and Doug Coughlin wrote the book on partying and kicking ass. A series of “Coughlin’s Laws” are revealed throughout the film including such gems as, “Bury the dead, they stink up the place.” and “When you see the color of their panties, you know you’ve got talent. Stick with me, son and I’ll make you a star.” When you are going to party with Doug Coughlin, you really need to get mentally and physically prepared. Some of you skeptics out there may be saying, “Puck, Doug killed himself at the end of the movie because he was miserable, alone, and disgusted with his lifestyle.” Bullshit, he killed himself because of Tom Cruise’s shitty acting. If I had to work with that asshole shoving this Scientology bullshit down my throat each day, I might kill myself too. But that’s a whole different post.
So that is it, the top ten people I want to party with. I am sure I have left people off this list, but what the hell am I going to do about it now? I would love to hear the readers opinions on who they would like to have join them for a night of debauchery. With that, I leave you with one of the truest statements ever spoken from Doug Coughlin himself: “I don’t care how liberated this world becomes – a man will always be judged by the amount of alcohol he can consume – and a woman will be impressed, whether she likes it or not.” Sweet, the PBR delivery guy is here. It rules to be Puck. Bottoms up! Puck is the pop culture guru for The Yanks Are Coming. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.