Ladies and Gentlemen,
Welcome back into another Happy Hour. It may be Friday, but it certainly feels much more like a Sunday after last night’s St. Patrick’s Day/Welcome to March Madness debauchery. Endless pints of green beer, shots of Irish Whiskeys, and a bevy of beautiful women in green dresses makes for a very interesting night. Needless to say, after the antics last night, I have been trying to fight off this hangover the way that Bruce Pearl and Jim Tressel fight off NCAA sanctions. It has been one rough Friday. In my opinion, the worst part about St. Patrick’s Day is the green beer. I know it tastes the same, but after drinking a few pints, there are disturbing bodily reactions to imbibing something green, if you get my drift. Last night’s celebration got intense when my Richmond Spiders beat Vanderbilt for yet another classic 5-12 upset. When I went to Richmond, the squad was not very good, so I am pumped to see them have a chance to make the Sweet 16 this weekend. It’s really too bad that they will be playing a team with such a kickass name in Morehead State.
Before moving onto any soccer related news, I first need to make a serious Happy Hour Dedication. For those of you that may not be regular readers, I am a huge fan of the early 90’s Rap Game. Hell, my ring tone is Luniz “I Got 5 on It”. A couple times I have forgot to turn the rigger off in serious academic meetings and have received some very bewildered looks from various professors and deans. All of the TYAC writers will tell you that my pre-bar routine has to involve a couple old school videos played on max volume through the house speakers. I am that asshole in the bar that puts ten dollars worth of Biggie and Tupac to interrupt your awful, “,My daddy didn’t love me” emo rock. Now that I have clearly spouted my love of the 90’s rap jams, I was very saddened to hear that one of the most recognizable voices in the game died this week. Nathaniel Dwayne Hale, better known to the world as Nate Dogg headed for “The Crossroads” at the tragic age of 41. Nate Dogg was best known for is collaborative work with Dre. Dre, Warren G, and Snoop Dogg during the 90’s, but had appearances on hits with Eminem and Ludacris. I don’t think it is possible for you to play Regulate anywhere near someone over the age of 15 and not end up involved in a sing-along. It is without question one of the most iconic rap tracks ever written. Like my man Ice Cube said “Better get up on it, Cuz it must be a single, with Nate Dogg singing on it”. In the eyes of this writer, you will be missed. This PBR is for you Nate Dogg.
In other news, one of the NFL’s most entertaining wide receivers, know as Chad Johnson, Brochocinco, 85, or whatever the fuck else he decides to name himself, will be trying out for a roster spot on Sporting Kansas City. While I’ve decided to contain myself from going into a rant on why that is the worst name in the history of sports, I will recommend that you read TYAC’s very owns Dr. Raf’s piece on the situation and how it should benefit MLS in general. While Raf’s piece presents a good argument, I feel this may be the venue for me to present my take. First of all, anyone who thinks that old Chad is going to make the roster is smoking crack. It will not happen, ever. Yes, I understand that he played soccer as a child, but in the words of Winston Wolf, “Let’s not starting sucking each other’s dicks just yet.” When exactly has 85 had the time to work on his soccer abilities since his early teen days– in between dropping touchdown passes and entertaining me with hilarious segments on the T Ocho Show? I don’t think so. Yes, he may be trying to fulfill a “childhood dream”, but if all dreams came true there would be no one cleaning toilets and shoveling shit. I don’t care how good you were at soccer throughout high school, if you don’t play the game consistently for several years, you don’t just walk back onto the pitch and play well. If you played in high school, drank in college, then tried to play in a men’s league later on, you know exactly what I am referring too. Your first touch is gone, your field vision is a sliver of what it once was, and overall your defensive footwork is shot. If he ends up making the team, which he won’t, all this does is show the naysayers of the beautiful game that anyone with athletic ability can succeed. I choose the word succeed because it makes an important distinction from play. One of the most magical things about the game of soccer is that anyone can play the game: young, old, fat, slow, rich, or poor– it does not matter. This is not necessarily true in all other American sports. However, not everyone can be truly great and successful playing soccer. If he makes the squad it serves as proof to the soccer hating jacklegs that any athlete can be a professional soccer player, and of course, that is simply not the case. While I think this is a great PR maneuver by Chad and SKC, we all need to come back to reality.
Now, before drinking a few cocktails in a last ditch effort to cure this hangover, I need to talk about some soccer news. I will be honest, while sitting at my office periodically checking out the Gamecast, when Bayern took a 2-1 lead in the first half against Inter, I did not expect the defending champs to mount a two goal comeback to secure their place in the Champions League final 8. Apparently, the lesson here is never bet against the defending champions. In the other marquee matchup, the Red Devils took on Marseille. I have been saying this for months, and hopefully you people out there are starting to agree with me, Javier Hernandez AKA Chicharito is excellent. In my opinion, he is going to be a global superstar. His two braces this week prove at the very least that he is a force to be recognized with at this summer’s Gold Cup.
On a final note, I officially Hate Mario Balotelli. That jackleg prima donna clown cost my squad a place in the Europa Quarterfinals. If you are not familiar with what happened, I can give you a quick rundown. First, the asshole could not figure out how to get his practice jersey or “Bib” on during warm-ups. If you don’t believe me, check out this clip. The guys in the studio could barely keep it together. Watching him try to put that thing on is like watching an Asian women trying to parallel park: it just is not happening. Strike one. Now being down two nil on aggregate, my boys needed at least a 2-0 victory to secure extra time. Within the first 4 minutes Balotelli managed to miss an empty net from inside the 6 yard box. Instead of taping the first goal home, he decided to lift it over the bar. Strike two. For his final fuck up of the day, he decided it would be an excellent idea to pull his favorite Nigel De Jong impression and karate kick some dude in the chest in about the 37th minute. Of course, since he isn’t Nigel De Jong, the insufferable bastard was sent off leaving his side with just ten men still down 2-0. Strike Three. Of course City got one goal back, but that was not enough. I want Balotelli out of Manchester immediately. He will forever be on my shit list.
Enough of this nonsense, like my Girl Rebecca Black has been saying in this viral video hit, it’s Friday– time for
This week’s free advice come from none other than the former Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger. If you have not seen his 1986 Classic, Raw Deal, check it out. Don’t expect much plot, but strap in for some bad guys getting dead mixed with awful dialogue. Anyway, the Terminator returns home to find his “80’s hot” wife hammered drunk. They get in a fight and she tosses a cake at him. Watch the video for the free advice.
Time to head to Shabooms to drink off this hangover. Go Spiders and Go Cuse.
Sorry for Partying…
Puck is the Pop Culture Guy for The Yanks Are Coming. He can be reached at email@example.com and you can follow him on Twitter at @PuckLovesPBR.
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