night cap, or for a solid 5 hours on the town. It has a sweetness to accompany the bite, even when it is abused. (Courtesy Garret Mcinnis) Clint Dempsey-Hurricane: A whimsical cocktail, especially great when you’re in a festive mood, the Hurricane carries with it quite the reputation and is clearly not a choice for anyone but the party animal. Just don’t be surprised tomorrow morning when you wake up with a killer headache and a black eye. (Courtesy Garret Mcinnis) Jon Bornstein- Tequila (out of a plastic bottle): It’s late, or maybe early morning, who knows at this point. There seem to be no other options in sight. For a brief moment it seems like a great idea. No salt? No limes? No problem! The plastic bottle is all you need. But as soon as it hits your lips the undeniable truth surfaces, “This was a horrible idea. What the Rossi was I thinking?” Tim Howard – Scotch: The old reliable. You know exactly what you are getting into when you sit down with a glass of Johnny Walker. It’s a classic libation without being bourgeoisie. Juan Agudelo – Sparkling Cider: It gives you the impression that you’re drinking when you are too young and stupid to know any better. You honestly didn’t think I was going to encourage underage drinking right when the Best of US Soccer Nominations came out, did you? José Francisco Torres – Margarita: Not the bigger-than-your-head variety you can find at the local Tex-Mex Happy Hour. No, we are talking about the classic–on the rocks with a salted rim. When prepared by the proper hand, this drink can be considered the nectar of the Gods. Unfortunately, amateur types can butcher this Mexican delight with a sluggish pour. Jermaine Jones – Jagermeister: It’s black, German, and aggressive. Sometimes it’s just what you need after a long week, but too often it turns the evening into a bloody murder scene. Kyle Beckerman – Indian Pale Ale: Beer, the everyman drink. Suitable for any occasion, the crowd is not overly impressed by the selection, but no one will be looking down their nose at it either. Look to a Big Sky IPA to keep things classy. Jozy Altidore – Jack and Coke: A solid drink that really gets your night started in the right direction. Ordering a double Jack and Coke on a Friday night announces your presence to be bartender with authority. Occasionally, the Jack and Coke can wear you down quicker than you think. After only 60 to 65 minutes or so of drinking hard, it is often time to switch to another cocktail. DaMarcus Beasley – Irish Car Bomb: Too soon? A dangerous drink that should only be enjoyed on special occasions. Best used for a sneak attack from the flank on an unsuspecting friend ready to time-travel through the next few hours. Robbie Findley — Smirnoff Ice. Boom, England, Slovenia and Algeria. You’ve been iced. Want to sneak up on a pal with a sleek and fast looking bev that ultimately will just embarrass your pals and yourself? Smirnoff Ice it is, friends. (courtesy of Neil W. Blackmon) Marcus Hahneman/Brad Guzan – Eggnog: A seasonal drink; you will not see anyone enjoying this beverage outside the holiday season. Sure, it has its time and place about once a year or so, but after the obligatory appearance, it’s time to put it back on the shelf where it belongs. Sacha Kljestan – Keystone Light: He’s always smooth, like Keith Stone. Moves the ball better than other player on the team, seemingly without any effort at all until facing tight marking, at which point our very own Keith Stone ceases to be smooth, like actual Keystone Light at the tail end of a bender. You might get brilliance, but you might have to sub this drink out before you find yourself with your head in toilet bowl. (Courtesy Jon “Lighting Cup” Levy) Landon Donovan
– Vodka: At its best, the good old fashioned voddy can be a sublime drink that will always get the job done. But, at its worst, it can ruin your evening and make you wish you weren’t alive. It also always gives you that slight feeling that it’s a drink whose only purpose is to please the girls, but hey, we shouldn’t judge landycakes—sorry, I mean, we shouldn’t judge vodka. (Sean McElroy) Jay DeMerit – Iron City Beer. Lunch pal, working on the docks Pittsburgh microbrew. Here’s some Bruce Springsteen for your blue collar beer. By the way, Steelers fans swear by this stuff and they’ve won like twenty-eight billion Super Bowls. So there’s that. Oh- and go See “Rise and Shine: The Jay DeMerit Story.” Now. (Neil W. Blackmon) This list could literally go on forever, but I certainly don’t have the time to find the perfect cocktail for each of the USMNT players at Klinsy’s disposal. I leave the rest to you. PUCK’S FREE ADVICE: With the college football season firmly in the second half and NCAA basketball finally starting up again, there is one piece of advice that every sports fans needs to know. Unless your Alma mater is playing, it is NEVER acceptable to root against a National Service Academy. Sitting at the bar screaming “Navy blows!” or “Crush that stupid C-Ron” or “Rossi Air Force” makes you sound like the worst type of communist jackwagon. And the commies lost. I’m done with Qualifying Exams and have enough time on my hands to get rip roaring drunk for the MLS Cup Final. Things could get ugly. Damn the Man, Save The Empire. Sorry for partying… Puck is the Pop Culture Guy and a Senior Writer For The Yanks Are Coming. He has been called the “most authentic and perhaps important voice of the people in American soccer” by A FOOTBALL REPORT, and you can follow him on Twitter at @PuckLovesPBR.