Puck’s Friday Happy Hour: PBR vs. A Girlfriend Edition

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back into another Happy Hour. I seriously enjoyed watching the first group play games for EURO 2012 qualifying. Again if those predictions hold up, I need to win some type of award. I hope you are just as excited as I am for the return of the EPL after the international break.

A quick Faroe Islands Euro qualifying update: In a previous post, I had promised to buy the entire population of the Faroe Islands a beer if they managed to concede 12 goals or less during group play. After playing 3 matches, they have 10 goals against. In the interest of competition, I will up the goals allowed total to 14 for the remaining two games of the first pod . Get your shit together Faroe Islands, you know you want some PBR.

In other news, FIFA World Cup inspectors have been traveling (uncomfortably, in some places) around the US all week in order to evaluate our potential to host the 2018 or 2022 World Cup. All signs have pointed to Europe (probably England) being awarded the 2018 World Cup. It appears that we are fighting to host the 2022 competition. The US is competing with Qatar, Australia, South Korea and Japan to hold the tournament in 2022. In this bloggers opinion, the only real competition here is from Australia. I do not see FIFA awarding the World Cup to Qatar after the problems filling stadiums in South Africa, nor will they give the games right back to an Asian nation after South Korea and Japan dual hosted in 2002. Furthermore, no nation has been able to sell more tickets, or make more cash during a World Cup than the United States in 1994. I fully expect to break those attendance records the second time around with increases in stadium size all over the country. The thought of having a talented USMNT squad playing on home soil makes me big in my pants. Austriala will hold the World Cup sometime soon, but hopefully not 2022. The vote goes down December 2nd, stay tuned.

It’s Time to change the subject. I have taken some shit lately about not writing about PBR as much as I have in the past. For the record, I have received the hate mail, and here is my response. The other night, my roommate T-Bone and I were discussing what an occasional pain the in ass it can be to have a girlfriend. Sometimes, you just want to pound PBR tall boys, play poker, and tell dirty jokes. This discussion led to the following list. Without further adieu may I present to you…

30 Reasons PBR is better than a Girlfriend

1)PBR  is always in the mood to party, it never has a “headache”

2) An 18 pack of PBR is cheaper than dinner for two, and can be be more fun.

3) PBR never makes your take out the trash.

4) PBR never makes your pick up the kids from soccer practice.

5) PBR doesn’t make you watch “Dancing with the Stars” when a meaningful football game is on.

6) PBR never “gets a visit from Aunt Flow.”

7) PBR gets you drunk. Girlfriends won’t, save special occasions, then they hold it over your head for weeks, if not years.

8) PBR can never surprise you with two little words, “I’m Late.”

9) You never have to meet PBR’s parents.

10) PBR doesn’t have daddy issues.

11) PBR has won real awards, not paper plate awards for most improved cheerleader in 8th grade.

12) PBR will come with you to strip clubs.

13) PBR does not need to stop and ask for directions, and understands you don’t either.

14) PBR doesn’t want to “talk”, it only wants to drink.

15) PBR won’t ruin your credit, unless you want it too.

16) PBR won’t leave you. You can always buy more.

17) It’s cool to fart in front of PBR.

18) PBR doesn’t get jealous when you check out other beers.

19) PBR doesn’t make you go to the gym. The only working out you do with PBR is couch curls.

20) PBR doesn’t ask what you think of its outfit. Red, White and Blue is always in style.

21) PBR isn’t irrational.

22) PBR is cool with you sleeping with as many women as possible.

23) PBR doesn’t need to cuddle after a rough night out.

24) PBR doesn’t cry, unless you count condensation.

25) PBR does not need to be explained what the offside rule is 1000 times.

26) PBR does not need gifts for Valentine’s Day or anniversaries.

27) PBR doesn’t ask to borrow our car, and bring it back with a nice new dent.

28) PBR goes fishing with you.

29) PBR doesn’t let itself go, it’s always the same size, everyday, all year.

30) PBR doesn’t go through your cell phone when you’re in the shower.

To be clear, I am not as much of a misogynist as I seem. If there are ladies out there who don’t think this list is just a little bit funny, you’re obviously not the type of girl I am looking to marry. That said, maybe you should write a post about how your Apple Martini is better than a boyfriend.

I hope you enjoyed the list. T-Bone and I certainly had one hell of a time writing it. In other breaking news, I Puck will be joining the Twitter community. I am just trying to decide on a kick ass name. I am thinking PuckLovesPBR. If you have any ideas, or other reasons that PBR is better than a girlfriend please feel free to comment below. Time for some words of wisdom

PUCK’S FREE ADVICE:

Do yourself a favor and set your DVR for this Thursday September 16th, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia returns. If you read anything I write, you are an obviously fan of this style of humor. Get pumped for season 6 with this video.

Time for me to head on down to Paddy’s to tickle Sweet Dee’s insides.

Sorry for partying bitches.

Puck is the Pop Culture Guru for The Yanks Are Coming. He likes PBR. He can be reached at puck@yanksarecoming.com OR…well, he says he’s joining Twitter. Stay tuned.

Filed Under: September 2010

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  • Neil W. Blackmon

    There are no words.

  • Melissa

    Genius. And Apple Martinis are vomtastic.

  • Haas

    If Ben Bolz dies before he turns 40, will you be my “back up”? Hell, will you be my starting line?

  • Neil W. Blackmon

    Rachel McAdams. I love you. All of you.

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