Arrivederci, Yanks and Yankettes!! Yeah, I’m starting strong with Aldo Raine links. Welcome back into another Happy Hour. Before moving to the actual “Happy” part of the Happy Hour, I of course must mention the absolute dismantling that took place to my beloved Blankcheckster City at the hands of Liverpool last Monday. For those of you that have not been following the EPL, our jackleg multi scarf wearing manager decided it would be a
good idea to leave debatably the team’s two most important players, Silva and De Jong, on the bench to rest up for this weekend’s clash with the Red Devils. Don’t misunderstand me, Carlos Tevez is the heart and soul of that team, but Silva is the driving force behind the team’s offensive creativity that allows Tevez to score all his goals. We all know that De Jong is a professional thug, but when he is on form, we dominate the midfield. Leaving these two out was a tremendous mistake that essentially surrendered the midfield to a surging Liverpool side. To make matters worse the aforementioned heart and soul of the team ended up with a hamstring tear and could miss the rest of the season. Rossi my life. While we have a chance to beat Man U this weekend, I am not hopeful.
It’s time to turn our attention to a much happier subject. During my tenure here at TYAC, I have made it abundantly clear that I am a huge proponent of several things including, PBR, most sports, beautiful women, and of course partying. My desire to hang out with a group of real good people while drinking adult beverages is second to none. That said, I pride myself on being able to find excellent people to party with, and at the same time identifying other types that will completely suck the life out of an excellent time. For reference, check out my previous lists on party killers, (Vol:1 & Vol:2) and last year’s edition of party pros. As we are swiftly approaching the summer months, which are prime for some outdoor partying sessions, I thought it would be an excellent idea to add some more folks to the list of people I would love to party with. Keep in mind that this list is in no particular order.
The Captain, Carlos Bocanegra
Why party with the Carlos? First off he is the captain of the USMNT and hanging out with him would have to give me some street-cred amongst the suit wearing haters that work in a certain Chicago office. You’re right- there is some bitterness. Secondly, and more importantly, just look at the guy!! He is one handsome man. I don’t think there is a woman on the planet that wouldn’t want to touch
the Captain where he pees. It does not matter how round and hairy I may be, the Captain is a complete babe magnet, a man-dime if you will. One night out on the town with Carlos, and C-Ron would be flowing at us in unstoppable wave here in Gainesville. I am sure Carlos is a nice guy and would be happy to direct some throw away trim my way. We wouldn’t drink Coors Light, but I’d gladly be Boca’s wing boy.
Brian Wilson – RP San Francisco Giants
First and most importantly, I envy this man’s beard. Anyone who knows me well understands that I think men who can grow great facial hair are socially obligated to do so. I for one can grow a wicked powerful beard and often do. Even though my beard growing ability is pretty strong, Wilson’s makes me look like a terrified little child cowering in a corner covered in their own urine. After winning last year’s World Series, Wilson gave one of the greatest post game interviews in the history of interviews. If you are not familiar with what I am talking about watch it now, I can wait.
I want to party with Wilson just to hear some of the crazy shit he would say after a few shots of Whiskey. Need another example? I’m happy to oblige. How about the fact that for wearing non-certified cleats during a game last year, Wilson said he was fined for, “Having too much awesome” on his feet. That’s heroic. Want more? Sure. Last September, he told Jim Rome that he was a “certified ninja”. I just want to borrow this guys brain for 10 seconds just to see how the world looks to him. This guy might be what Kenny Powers hopes to be: d. FEAR THE BEARD!
Emma Stone – Actress
Who in their right mind does not want to party with a really good looking funny woman? People who answer no to that question would not know a good time if it jumped up and sat on their face. Emma Stone has been universally recognized as gorgeous through her inclusion on several magazines “100 most beautiful” features, and was hilarious in flicks like Zombieland and Easy A. Hot women hang out with other hot women, aside from that one girl they tag along with…if you know what I am saying. I did not make the rules; it is just the way the world works. By this reasoning, I assume that a night of partying with Emma Stone would include several of her very attractive friends. At the end of the evening, there is always one girl going home alone; that is when it is time to strike. Emma would make it almost certain that girl was better looking than she usually is.
All the Dudes and Dudettes From Free Beer Movement
This will be short and sweet. Here’s all you need to know about why a Friday night would be a rip-roaring good time with the guys and gals at Free Beer Movement in tow. First, they have a spiritual leader. And not just any spiritual leader, or one who might make the politically correct blush like the jacklegs from the Kappa Alpha Order. No sir. They have The Dude himself—Frankie Hejduk. When the great “San Diego bro Do I look like I’m married, man?” Dude abides—you are off to a great start. Beyond that, they’ve invaded the ESPN studio with the “Changing American soccer One Beer at a time” bumper sticker that dons Lalas’ computer; they write whole pieces on what beers to take in “El Clasico’s” and other matches with, and they’ve won awards—not just for “Ruling”, which they do, but for being innovative, original and to some extent groundbreaking. Every party or night out needs a guy who knows where to go when the normal haunts aren’t getting the job done—and I’ve no reservation in suggesting the FBM folks would know exactly what to do. Party on ya’ll—and thanks for being you. Can’t wait to make this dream a reality, and party together.
Carlton Cole – West Ham United
Cole makes this list at the suggestion of TYAC’s own Jon “Lighting Cup” Levy. Unsure of his party credentials, I had to do some research of my own. As a fellow partier, “Lighting Cup” was spot on with his analysis: Cole can certainly party. While he is hard to figure out on the pitch (enigmatic isn’t even the right word)… off the field he is a solid party dude. Just a week or so ago, he caught all kinds of backlash on twitter when he suggested that the 20,000 Ghana fans at the England friendly would be checked by immigration when they left the stadium. That is just pure comic gold that deems an immediate twitter follow. Rack that, as my boy Jim Rome would say. Excluding his twitter account, anyone who has the balls to take on a Karaoke version of Shaggy’s Mr. Boombastic can party with me any day.
Jim McMahon – Former NFL QB
I do not know a thing about Jim McMahon unless I hear it from the resident Chicago Bears fan “Lighting Cup” or long time reader Amy Sanders. What I know for sure is that the Bears have had a ton of QB’s come and go since McMahon retired, which has caused much distress amongst the Chicago faithful. I was shocked to learn that McMahon played football at BYU. Regular readers of the site now how stupid it was that forward Brandon Davies was suspended for the season because he broke the honor code by having consensual sex with his girlfriend. During a recent interview on ESPN’s Mike and Mike in the morning, the pair asked McMahon, “How did you manage to survive at BYU.” His response has cemented him as a legend in my mind: “I just made sure to find girls who kept their mouths shut.” Once again, Rack that. This PBR’s for you, Jimbo.
Andy Carroll – Liverpool
After Carroll’s brace for Liverpool against my beloved City Monday, it flat out pains me to write this, but I still really want to party with him. At just 22 years old, he is a rising star for both Liverpool and the English national team. There are two reasons I really want to party with Andy. First and foremost, he always seems to be getting into some “boys will be boys” type mischief. I am not looking for anything too intense, like when he had his car set on fire outside Kevin Nolan’s house. That’s a bit above my pay grade. However, I’m not against all things scandalous. Carroll can make that happen. I am thinking more of the kind of bar argument where his 6’3 frame keeps our enemies terrified of actually throwing a punch, or the “Rossi it, I am young enough to go out and get smashed the night before a match” kind of trouble. I like to party, but I worry if I could keep up with him.” The second reasons I want to hang with Carroll is simple, I need to learn how to finish. Carroll does not miss when he has an opportunity to score, it is a foregone conclusion. I create plenty of “scoring chances” for myself, but lack the killer instinct to find the back of the net if you get my drift.
That is all the folks I have to add to my party approved list at this point. If you have any other suggestions feel free to comment below, or hit me up on twitter @PuckLovesPBR.
It’s Friday, so you know I can’t leave you without
PUCK’S FREE ADVICE:
This is less advice, and more a request from a hockey fan. If you are not a hockey fan, I implore you to give it a chance. Don’t get me wrong, my love for playoff baseball is huge, but the NHL hockey playoffs are a completely different animal. Yeah most of the guys have ridiculous foreign names with 7 consonants in a row, but the things they can do with a puck are truly amazing. I am not suggesting that you are going to become a huge fan overnight, but if you are flipping through the channels and a game happens to be on, just give it a couple minutes– you might be surprised. If you do like it, support the Sabres. After all, we are going to need it.
The cases of PBR have just arrived. We are going to be getting real drunk this weekend, my roommate T-BONE just got a job!
Sorry for partying…
Puck is the Pop Culture Guy for The Yanks Are Coming. He can be reached at email@example.com and you can and should follow his beard-powered rantings on Twitter at @PuckLovesPBR.