Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back into another Happy Hour. I hope your Turkey day was excellent, but enough of the pleasantries, it’s time to get down to brass tax. Yesterday was clearly the worst day in US soccer since the devastating loss to Ghana last summer. First, a quick comment on the 2018 selection. In my opinion, Russia is not a horrible choice as host. Sure, the women are not as hot as those in Spain and Portugal, but the oral hygiene is certainly higher than the British. The English press really did a cracker of a job of shooting themselves in the foot by attacking the voting members of FIFA.
Anyway, back to what I am really concerned about, the 2022 World Cup which the US was bidding for. And the winner is……QATAR? Are you fucking kidding me? It would be one thing to lose to Australia, who had a very strong bid, but losing to a country that was clearly undeserving is a more uncomfortable feeling than my last colonoscopy. Was the FIFA voting delegation shitfaced drunk all week during the presentations? Here are just a few reasons this makes no fucking sense. Most people on the planet have no idea just where in the hell this nation is. Go ahead, try and find it on a world map, I’ll wait. Still haven’t found it yet, I will give you a hint. It’s somewhere in the Middle East. Still no luck, I didn’t think so. It will be tough to find considering the fact that the entire country is smaller than the State of Connecticut. In fact, the current population is only 1.7 million, just 200,000 people larger than the metropolitan area of Phoenix. Even more confusing is how you pronounce the damn name of the country. Today alone, I have heard about 12 different pronunciations from random people all over town. Just for you information, the proper pronunciation is something along the lines of Cut-her. Qatar currently sits at an astonishing 113th in the FIFA rankings. Who wants to see the host nation get worked at least 4-0 in each of their opening round games? The World Cup is always more exciting when the host nation plays well, and that possibility has been tossed out of the equation for the 2022 Finals. Qatar also just joined the Asian Football Association (AFA), which means that during the 2022 World Cup, the AFA will lose one of its four guaranteed spots to a team that would have a tough time beating one of the States’ best high school squads. Finally and most importantly, we should consider entertainment. What’s the half time show going to be during the World Cup Final…well, I’ll let you decide for yourself but I’ve got money on FIFA exhuming Warron Zevon’s dead body and him playing his hit tune “Oil Sheiks, Vlad Putin and money.”
That previous paragraph may be considered just the rantings of a drunken, bitter American, and that may well be the case, but either way, there are some serious questions that need to be answered moving forward. First on my list has to be the infrastructure. Qatar has promised to spend $50 billion of their seemingly endless oil money on infrastructure and another $4billion to build nine new stadiums and renovate three others. Not only will they need to build these stadiums, they plan to have them air conditioned to overcome the unbearable 110 degree average temperature during the summer. Please don’t give me this shit about it being a “dry heat”, either; you’re totally full of shit – 110 is fucking hot no
matter where in the world you are. I got news for you Qatar, your country is so small, teams are going to need to share facilities to train and stay during the actual tournament. Unless you plan on building 32 separate indoor, air conditioned training facilities, teams will be training outside. I will bet 1,000 PBRs that at least a few players will end up suffering a heat stroke. While we are on the subject, just what do they plan on doing with these stadiums after the games end? Will they end up being deserted and unused like South Africa? Qatar’s bid commission has promised a lot, and FIFA bought it hook line and sinker. As Chris Farley in Tommy Boy so passionately told me, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn’t a crazy Glue sniffer?
Let’s focus on the security concerns. It’s time for some cold hard truth. The 2022 World Cup is going to be held in the Middle East for the first time. You read that right, the Middle East. The Middle East is about as stable as my colon after a 48 hour diet of nothing but PBR and Buffalo wings. Will Qatar even still be around in 2022, or will Saudi Arabia have decided they want that their oil too? Hell, you could probably take a quick swim across the Persian Gulf and hang out with professional crazy person Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. I understand that all international gatherings can be targets for terrorism, but the fact that this tournament will be played in a region of the world where they still stone people to death is a bit concerning, even if that no longer occurs in Qatar. Hopefully, FIFA, Qatar, and other international agencies that will be in charge are able to keep the crazy fucks out of the country. As much as we want to act like things have changed, the Massacre at the 1972 Munich Olympics was not that long ago, and the same jacklegs that control that region are still trying to kill each other. FIFA is a huge proponent of social issues. The selection of a Middle Eastern country to host the games seems to be an attempt to have a “We Are the World” moment. One of the big sticking points in Qatar’s final presentation was “imagine how great it will be if Israel plays a Muslim nation during the tournament? What a magical moment that could be!” First of all, Israel have only qualified once and that was back in 1970, so they have a lot of work to do there. Second of all, while I am an optimist at heart, there is no way in hell I would be caught dead in that stadium.
Finally, the most glaring problem I can see with the selection is the revenue that FIFA will lose by not having the games in the US. To date, the 1994 World Cup in the US sold the most tickets and generated more cash for FIFA than any other World Cup in history. I just cannot fathom how a group of 22 supposedly educated people leave that much money out on the table.
Well all this negative energy out has really helped my prospects of having a good Friday night. Before using this fifty dollar gift card to buy a case of PBR and a bottle of Jameson, I need to hit you with
PUCK’s FREE ADVICE:
The easiest way to knock out a ton of cardio at the gym is to find a treadmill directly behind that guy or gal whose ass is so perfect you would not mind wearing it has a hat. You can run and run but will never be able to catch that glorious posterior. The longer they stay, the longer you run…it’s a win/win situation.
Time to hit the bar and play some early 90’s jams that make the panties drop. You know that girl is POSION.
Sorry for partying bitches.
Puck is the Pop Culture Guy for The Yanks are Coming. He can be reached at email@example.com and you can follow him on Twitter at @pucklovespbr.