Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back into another happy hour. With the Manchester Derby set for Saturday morning, I cannot wait for the weekend to begin. While 7:30am is an early time to get up and watch my boys take on perennial jackleg Wayne Rooney and the rest of the United clowns–sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and make it happen. While the DVR has the power that would allow me to sleep in, real fans will be awake to watch this match live.
When thinking of topics to cover this week, I reflected on how much fun I had writing a piece on people who I would not like to party with. As you all should know, I love a good time. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people out there who can really bring a whole evening down. I make it my job to identify those jacklegs and stay as far away from them as possible when it comes time to consume some adult beverages. If you are a new reader to “the most influential blog of our time” you should check out last year’s list here. Just to review, here are the original members of my blacklist.
People who drink booze out of straws
Nigel de Jong
All things considered, this is a pretty good list, but when it comes to lists there is always room for improvement and expansion. With just that in mind, I decided it was about time to add some new names to the TYAC party blacklist. Let’s get to it, shall we?
I am sure anyone who has ever been at a high school party in their earlier years knows this type of guy. Zidane represents the All-State captain and QB of the football team, who still shows up to the post game parties even though he graduated 6 years ago. This dude just has no idea when to let it go. Yes, you were an excellent player, one of the best that ever lived. That said– it’s time for you to go away. Stop clogging up my newsfeed with stories of lawsuits against comedians and how money had nothing to do with your support of Qatar to host the 2022 World Cup. Hang the old letterman’s jacket up in the closet and move along.
These types of party destruction artists should really go without saying, but it gives me the opportunity to explain one of my favorite expressions. When you head to a nice restaurant, you are primarily taken care of by your server, but there is another assistant in the mix, the bus boy. In the food service industry, bus boys (or girls for that matter) exist for a sole purpose, taking things away from the table. They walk around the restaurant removing food, utensils, and napkins from the table– sometimes even when you don’t want them to. Bus boys can exist at parties as well. They slowly meander around the party interrupting other conversations and activities disrupting everything. Bring something to the table, or get the hell out—that’s my rule. In the environmental field we like to call these folks a complete waste of carbon.
We have all meet this guy at a party. Simply put, he thinks that everyone else present is a complete moron. Furthermore, he is completely convinced that the other party patrons are continually staring at him just to stare at him because they are all jealous of his impeccable good looks and talent. Mario reminds me of a guy I see from time to time back in Rochester, NY. I have known this cat for over 15 years. In all that time, I’ve had the same conversation with him every time we speak. It goes something like this, “Life is great, I am great, all these bitches want me, blah, blah, blah.” To get yourself out of a conversation like that, you are forced to placate the awful SOB until he mercifully moves onto the next victim. Lighting Cup Levy seems to think that the only way to do this with Mario is to show him a picture of a smiling Roberto Mancini. What a buzz kill.
Anyone from the Jersey Shore
For full disclosure, I need to make something clear: watching the Jersey Shore is a guilty pleasure of mine. My roommate T-bone and I love to watch some Jersey Shore while pounding a few PBRs in preparation for a night on the town. There is just something truly hilarious about watching a group of people completely humiliate themselves on national TV. More importantly, the humiliation is not a onetime deal; it airs on a weekly basis. That said, I would never want to party with any of these clowns. The fist-pumping, hair gel, and general douche-baggery would be too much to handle. In all seriousness, natural selection should have taken care of these people a millennia ago.
Don’t get me wrong I love Tevez. He is the best player on my favorite team, and without question the best striker in the City of Manchester. Without him, my squad will still probably be toiling in mediocrity, much like Neil’s boys Everton. At the same time, I do not want to party with my main man Carlos. We have all known this dude.
Scenario: you organize a boy’s night out with a bunch of friends that have not gotten together in a long time. Everyone is ready to go out and get involved in some morally questionable shenanigans. The whole evening, one guy continues to tell the group how much he misses his wife and needs to get home. Enough already, man! Just because you are in a very healthy relationship does not mean I have to hear about this all fucking night. If you are going to come out, don’t bring the rest of the crew down with your nonsense.
Most readers out there probably are not familiar with this clown. Řepka is a professional footballer from the Czech Republic who has made 45 appearances for the Czech Senior National Team. Řepka is not on the list for his skills on the pitch. He makes this list because he loves to fight. Over the course of his career, this jackleg has managed to accumulate 17 red cards. That is an absurd number. I am willing to bet that the average player only ends up with something like 5 during the course of a career. If you have 17 red cards to your name, you must be going out on the pitch looking for a fight. This is exactly why you don’t’ want this dude around after having a few cocktails. If someone looks at him the wrong way a fight is going to break out. When it’s all over, you get to make the undesirable choice of driving him to safety, or his victim to the hospital.
The former Argentina national squad coach is a short ball of hilariousness, but he makes the list for the same reason Robinho made it last year. Sometimes he wants to party in completely inappropriate situations. I imagine my fictional relationship with Maradona to go something like this. On a Thursday night, I invite a bunch of friends over to play some poker and drink a few beers, nothing too crazy, just an easy get together. At some point during the evening, Maradona shows up at my doorstep with a kilo of blow and four Asian prostitutes in tow. Sorry bro, I got to work in the morning.
Those are the additions to my party blacklist for 2011. I need to give the other writers at TYAC a huge shout out for helping me develop this list. If you folks out there want to nominate someone to join the list, please feel free to comment below. You all know it’s Friday, so I can’t leave you without:
PUCK’s FREE ADVICE:
We all know that Monday is Valentine’s Day. Those of you in relationships will be locked up with your romantic obligations. For us single people, Monday is an excellent night to hit the bar scene. Singles bars all over will be populated with depressed young men and women looking to find that last minute Valentine’s Day hook up. This is a perfect night to make some bad decisions, or maybe even meet your future ex-spouse.
Time to hit the grocery store to make sure I have enough beer and eggs for the Manchester Derby!
Sorry for partying…
Puck is the Pop Culture Guy for The Yanks Are Coming. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org and you can follow him on Twitter at @PuckLovesPBR.
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