Sadly, in glaring contrast to his promise that he would never abandon you, The Yanks Are Coming’s resident Pop Culture Guru, Puck, has taken off early for the weekend, leaving no manuscript in his wake. Irresponsible as this may appear, I think the man who’s been not-so-erroneously referred to as one of the greatest modern day satirists of our time gets a free pass on this one. After all, he had a big exam to prepare for and take, after which he took the opportunity to get out of town and spend a weekend knocking golf balls around with the other hairy alpha males in his family/pride/tribe/pack/sloth (seriously, that’s the term for a group of bears, I looked it up!).
Fortunately, El Puckerino did have the foresight to hit me with a set of guidelines when he commissioned me to fill in for the week on his Friday Happy Hour. These will probably look pretty familiar to Puck’s faithful fans.
- A reference to a scientific study
- Something sexually vulgar or grotesque
- Pabst Blue Ribbon (PBR, America in a can, what have you)
- Picture and/or reference to a hot chick or chicks
- A link to a video from the 80’s or early 90’s
- Free advice (As a member of “the tribe” I wanted to charge for it, but Puck would have none of it. I guess he really is a man of the people.)
So without too much further Freddy Adu, and in the asininely named tradition of A Special Thursday Night Presentation of Monday Night Football, I submit A Special Jon Levy Presentation of Puck’s Friday Happy Hour:
Welcome back corporate zombies, collegiate degenerates, and all other TYAC types to another much needed edition of Puck’s Friday Happy Hour. This week has been busy, but productive, as I’ve reached a new plateau in the course of my experimentation with the placement of seven awkwardly shaped blocks on my cell phone… while pooping (Item #1:check). I was finally able to prove that it’s possible to clear 40 lines in EA’s cell phone version of Tetris in two minutes and 39 seconds. Think you can take me? Download the game and let me know! There’s probably a better chance of the Faroe Islands keeping a clean sheet in their next Euro qualifier though.
Tetris and Faroe futility aside, this has been a recovery week from the combination of serious liquid excess and heart-stopping American football that went down in Jacksonville last weekend. Florida Georgia weekend, affectionately dubbed The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party, lived up to its billing as usual, and a guy who will punt in the NFL for the next decade or so hit a game winning field goal that might just have the Dawgs’ coaching staff updating their resumes and sending out cover letters. Ha! To say nothing of the obnoxious fans who routinely bark at me (these people literally bark), that’s just desserts for UGA’s defensive coordinator, a grown-ass man who verbally berated and abusively gestured at a college kid who’s not even a kicker and has already had way too much shit thrown his way. Way to stick it to him Chas! Just about the only thing disappointing about this past weekend was the lack of a large kickass tailgate; the one we were supposed to go to never materialized. The upshot was that we followed up last year’s TYAC staff tailgate masterpiece with a couple cases of beer, a couple bottles of liquor, and a table to play flip cup on. Hardly a proper sequel, but it did get the job done. The only thing I learned is that when making arrangements to attend a tailgate, make sure it’s being thrown by someone you can rely on to not screw everything up. I’ll RSVP for Carlos Bocanegra’s tailgate, but I won’t even believe Jonathan Bornstein’s got a parking spot for his shindig until I see the car.
So while this week was deservedly spent restoring physical and emotional homeostasis, it’s once again just about time to hit the bar, but not before watching some Always Sunny/Modern Family at the house and killing a four pack of PBR pounders (Item #3:check). We’re not firing up the DVR just yet though. Crack your own cans or fix that bourbon drink and settle in while I give out some of the English Premier League’s most relevant awards.
Most Badass Team Crest: Wolverhampton Wanderers a.k.a. Wolves: Yeah I know everyone thinks their favorite team has the coolest crest (except Tottenham fans), but unless your team is Wolves, you’re dead wrong. Yes I know it’s got the styling of a logo rather than a crest, but look at it! You can’t fuck with it! It actually reminds me of the Cobra logo from G.I. Joe. Are the Wanderers a middling football club in Wolverhampton or an organization hell bent on world domination? Manager Mick McCarthy? More like Mick Moriarty! Didn’t think we were high brow enough to make a corny Arthur Conan Doyle Sherlock Holmes joke? Think again, we’re still the most well educated dick-and-fart-joke-blog on earth! Ack like you heard!
Best Stadium Name: Stadium of Light, Sunderland: I’m convinced Sunderland have drawn the home field advantage they’ve enjoyed since coming back up to the Prem from the awesome stadium name. No fooling around, no playing coy, no corporate sponsor, no bullshit. It’s about as straightforward as the first Metallica album, Kill ‘Em All.
“What’re you dudes here to do?”
“We’re here to kill ‘em all actually.”
“Oh. Badass, rock on!”
Same deal at Sunderland. “Welcome to the Stadium of Light, prepare to bow to our righteous will!” The only thing that doesn’t quite jive is the fact that they’re the Black Cats. I mean the nickname is straight out of Halloween, which would be pretty cool if it didn’t conflict so badly with the stadium name. They’re sending mixed messages like that girl that wears tee shirts with text across her boobs and complains when dudes actually read it (Item #4:check). Sunderland should just scrap the nickname, go with the stadium name theme and start calling themselves the White Hats or something (like the Light Brigade, which is one of their alternate monikers). After all, they’ve only been the Black Cats since 1879.
Ugliest Manager: Avram Grant, West Ham United: You knew you weren’t getting through A Special Jon Levy Presentation of Puck’s Friday Happy Hour without a West Ham reference. Anyone who remembers the cartoon Danger Mouse can attest to the fact that the new West Ham gaffer bears a striking resemblance to the villainous Baron Von Greenback. Anyone who doesn’t remember the awesome show can see for themselves below! I can’t take credit for this striking visual comparison; gotta give that to the fine people over at Knees Up Mother Brown, the premier West Ham blog. They may not update the homepage often enough (who are we to talk), but Cockney Hammer (cheers CH!) is more popular than any West Ham player save Scott Parker for his daily news roundups. Getting back to Avram, the toad-like manager ain’t pretty, but his appetite for the opposite sex is certainly noteworthy. Grant was caught visiting a London massage parlor of ill repute last year, yet his wife, desperate to hold on to the Israeli Brad Pitt, supported Avram in the media by saying she trusted he was only looking for a massage. I’m almost inclined to believe it; I mean when you’re wife drinks her own pee on television, you’ve got to wonder what the blumpkin’s going on at home! (Item #2:check)
That’s enough EPL nonsense, time for some advice!
Puck’s (Jon’s) Free Advice: I had the PayPal account set up and everything, but alas, the advice will remain free. I guess I’m not drinking on the TYAC reader dime this weekend. Here it is; this is Puck’s weekly feature, but it’s my guest spot, so my advice is going to be to pull a “Lightning Cup Levy” at on your Friday night. First throw down at home by drinking your favorite cocktail out of your favorite mug (or, yknow, PBR), then head to the bar where they may or may not know you and order as many well bourbon and ginger ale doubles as you see fit. When you’re feeling really great you’ll know when it’s time to head over to the jukebox, completely ignore the vibe and tone of what other patrons have been playing, and turn on this jam and/or this jam (Items #5&6:check. Success!)
Sorry for partying bitches.
Jon Levy is Co-Founder and an Associate Editor for The Yanks Are Coming. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or you can find him and follow on Twitter at @TYAC_Jon.