July 2010

Puck's Friday Happy Hour: Sports Faux Pas Edition

Some people hate watching the same move over and over again. I do not subscribe to that philosophy. There are some flicks I am forced to watch over and over again when they are on TV. Anyone who knows me well understands that Kung Fu Panda and Pulp Fiction top this list. Another class film that I can’t just get enough of has been on HBO all week, PCU. The cast includes a few actors before they broke out to the big time, Jeremy Piven, David Spade, and Jon Favreau. There is one particular scene in the movie that really got me thinking.

At one point in the fim Favreau’s character, a metal-head known only as “Gutter” is getting pumped up to see ones of his favorite bands in concert. Seems like just a regular Saturday in the 90’s at this point, until Piven’s character, “Droz” realizes Gutter has made an awful miscalculation. Due to the small size of his brain, Gutter has decided it was a good idea to wear a shirt with the name of the band he was going to see across the front. We have all seen that jackleg at a concert before. Sometimes they even give you the “I didn’t even realize I had it on” face. Bullshit. They did it intentionally, and if they didn’t, they probably wouldn’t know a good time if it sat on their face. I’m cynical, sure, but I don’t want to surround myself with those types of people. At this point you may be thinking, just exactly where the fuck is he going with this? Good question. Gutter and PCU got me thinking of common faux pas in the world of sports, and also in soccer. So without

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further Freddy Adu I would like to present to you a few faux pas you should avoid for soccer, and many other sporting events

Have you ever been at a large sporting event where there is one asshole from the opposing side sitting in the home section? I know I certainly have. Not only does this jackleg think he is a tough guy for hanging out on someone else’s home turf, he is being a total fucking shit head about it. Standing up and applauding at inappropriate times, and talking shit about the home squad. I always hope those guys have one too many $9 beers, talk shit to someone much bigger than them, and get their face rearranged. If you happen to end up in the home team section when you are on the road; you can be a respectful fan, don’t be an asshole. This is especially important in soccer, where in foreign countries you might die if you are a jackleg. Also I recommend not doing this in an opposing student section if you have the privilege of attending a SEC college football game, or a big rivalry game in another, less relevant conference.

— Don’t overdo it with the clothing, unless it is gameday. This goes for all sports, but I think it is especially important to soccer fans due to the amount of “flair” our favorite teams produce, such as: scarves, knit gloves, beanies, etc. Do yourself a favor and don’t be that guy wearing too much team-related stuff on a non-match day. If you managed to walk out of the house with your USMNT flip-flops, hooded sweatshirt and hat– you either don’t have mirrors in your house or you have your head jammed completely

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up your ass. Walking around like that in the middle of the day makes you’re an easy target for all the soccer hating buffoons on the airwaves. If it is a match day, go fucking nuts. Pull everything out of the closet, paint your face for all I care, but please tone it down when absolutely nothing relevant is happening. This includes not wearing your full-dress Gooch outfit when AC Milan loans him out to West Brom. It just isn’t worth it.

— Furthermore–in any sport where you can buy a jersey with a player’s name on the back, and I have actually seen this with soccer jerseys more often than any other sport: under no circumstance should

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you order a kit with your actual last name on the back. I suppose if you are 7 years old, it might be cool for a few days, but eventually it will wear off. Buying a kit with your name on it just reeks of self-gratification. Basically, you are saying: “Look how fucking awesome I am!” I got news for you balljack. You’re not awesome at all; in fact you suck ass. The question that most readers are asking themselves right now is, “But Puck, what if my last name actually happens to be Donovan? You’re telling me I can’t buy a Donovan jersey?” You better fucking believe it! In some cases that is even worse than having the name stitched on the back for you. As Keyshawn Johnson would say– and I’ve got an epic Keyshawn story, by the way, for all you “Get me the damn ball” fans out there– COME ON MAN!! Have some creativity.

— Moving on. This one gets on my nerves more than any of the previous. I love soccer and everyone

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close to me knows it. I consider myself to be a good ambassador of the game, trying to explain the world most popular game to skeptical friends and family. However, I do this while watching a game at my house or in a bar. Please stop trying to explain the intricacies of the game to your date at a live event. When I am at the game, I don’t want to hear your terrible play by play; I am actually there to see the event for myself. Shut the hell up so I can enjoy it. If I ever have to hear some stupid chick look at the popped collar, Abercrombie and Fitch Stu Holden model type sitting next to her and say, “Why can’t they use their hands, that is so stupid?”, I am going to snap. I am not talking about your average “Are you fucking serious rant?”, either. I am referring to a Michael Douglas in Falling Down type of psychotic breakdown.

Those are about the four most annoying soccer sports faux pas I could think of right now. If you have anything to add, please feel free to comment below.

It’s Friday so you know it’s time for Puck’s Free Advice:

Do yourself a favor this weekend, take a couple large bong hits and go see Inception written and directed by Christopher Nolan. I just got back from watching this movie, and I can tell you that it absolutely fucking rules. It is even better after some bong hits, but it is good enough to where that isn’t even necessary. Alright, kids. As QB 1 Joe Kane would say in the “This is FSU Football” film, The Program, Time to put the women and children to bed and go looking for some busty Asians.

Sorry for partying bitches.


  • dan

    When someone is wearing a jersey that has nothing to do with the current game being watched. Why would a grown-ass man wear a ten year old Arsenal jersey to watch an England match in a bar? How many Englishmen are even on Arsenal, maybe three you could name? (Gibbs, Walcott, Wilshere). (And from looking up the roster right now also some kid named Tom Cruise, which is halfway hilarious). Anyway, point being, just wear a normal shirt if you don’t have the right jersey. At least you’ll look like an adult that way.

  • Agie

    Nice to see ACRs representing the Gators so fervently.

  • Puck

    I could not agree more with your assessment. Have your ever seen some jackass out watching a soccer game that is wearing one of his old men’s league or high school jerseys. For Christ sake man, the glory days are over…move on already

  • Brian

    Such skill to weave PCU, soccer douchebaggery, and Falling Down into a fine column. Well done, sir.

    Question to ponder: Would you consider the huge throng of Man U bandwagoneers in Philly the other night in the same class as the away fan in the home section?

  • Puck

    Thanks for your support. As to your question, that one is a tough call.

    I don’t know if I would put them in the same class as the fans I was referring to in the post. The people I can’t stand are actual fans, but they just choose to act like complete assclowns because they can.

    The folks you mentioned always come out of the woodwork after a major international soccer tournament. They decide they want to be fans and pick the biggest name team they can think of that day. Usually they don’t last.

  • Amy

    Man U is stupid. Usually they pick Man U b/c they once traveled abroad. Which is funny, because how many that did travel abroad actually went to Manchester? I know I didn’t.

    Go Spurs. Gareth Bale is better than you.

    And oh– love the photo of the daisy duke wearing Gator skanks. It’s a wonder ya’ll ever get any work done if girls essentially wear nothing most the time.

  • Jon

    Don’t get it twisted Amy, generally the most scantily clad individual in the Gainesvilleland area is the scholar?/gentleman? who wrote this blog post. Staring at my cursor may not be all that exciting, but at some point it beats looking at Puck’s natural sweater.

    Speaking of our very own pop culture guru, you had me laughing out loud at my office with you ‘jersey with your own name’ section. Well done sir.

    Time to play a game. My favorite’s in the middle with the shorter hair and blue top… who you takin’?

  • Brian

    No problem on the support, you guys do a great job. I’ve been reading for a while now without commenting, but just couldn’t resist a PCU article.

    Anyway, I agree with your classification of those fans. Mindless drones that follow ESPN’s carrot for a month, only to forget about the sport once ESPN stops featuring it.

    Another fan I’d add to the list: “Diehard” fan who deals with defeat (or victory) by over the top amounts of sobbing. Man up asshole, get out the Old Granddad, and go to town.

  • dangiel

    all the jacklegs (i am adopting this term, thanks TYAC) at the spurs – red bulls match wearing arsenal henry shirts.

  • Brian Suggs

    well sir puck, to comment on your jersey thoughts, there is a loophole in your ideology. I, in fact, am fucking awesome! I guess you didn’t get the memo fuck face! No worries, I’ll be sure to sport my “suggs” jersey just for you big guy. BOOM!! you just been lawyered BLUE FLAMES STYLE!!! (double rocket launchers), pound jim beam!!!