Enjoying the American Beer Holiday known fondly as “Cinco De Mayo,” writer Jon Levy and I had a few PBRs and whiskey drinks. As we watched the short skirt-wearing Bud Light whores toss out beads and a series of other worthless shit, we both began to think about what the fuck we were going to write about this week. I could easily talk about how the Manchester City crew disappointed me yet again by not playing any defense in the last ten minutes of a must-win match. Typical fucking City, make me believe for 80 minutes, and then crush my hopes and dreams in an instant. Writing an entire post on that subject would lead me to suicide, so there had to be some type of happy medium. Miraculously, the four letter network saved me by playing the clip of the jackleg that ran onto the field during a recent Phillies game and got his ass shot with a taser. A Puck post was born. As a citizen of Gainesville, the heart and soul of Taser Nation, I feel very qualified to comment on this issue. Check out the “Don’t Tase me Bro” video below. This whole tasing incident has brought a lot of unnecessary attention to dipshits who think it’s a great idea to run onto the field. Let me break this down for you like a 5 year old so we are on the same page. Don’t run onto any professional sporting event field ever. There is no excuse, if you do, or have done it in the past, you are a jackleg, and a total fucking jackass. So many people have made a huge stink about police using excessive force to take this kid down. Parents, family members, and school officials have spoken out about the student’s character. “He has never been in trouble before,” “A model student,” these are just a few of the lines people have used to describe this dumbass. This kid was dumb enough to call his father before he jumped onto the field and got a jolt of electricity through his ass. If I called my father before I did something this stupid, time in jail would have been nothing after the beating old Kevin would have tossed at me. I do have to admit that one year during a college bender a member of my fraternity hopped the left field fence at Camden Yards. He ran around the field shirtless with “Go Sox” on his chest and “Fuck Saddam” on his back, both scribbled in black pen. After getting into the batter’s box to call his shot, he was crushed by a linebacker-type security guard. The whole incident was crazy, but I certainly did not feel bad for him after he got his ass kicked on the way off the field. These two jacklegs, just
all the others that run onto the field of a sporting event, got exactly what they deserved. Police and stadium security have no idea what his intentions were when he jumped the fence and starting running around like a retarded dog. For fuck sake, am I the only dude who has seen “The Fan”? They must take the necessary steps to protect the players on the field. If you don’t want to get tased, stay in your god damn seat. What exactly does this have to do with the soccer and
the World Cup? I am sure, at one of the venues this June, there will be one jackleg who has the idea to run onto the field. Just like the kid in Philly, this clown will get exactly what they deserved, but the consequences may be even worse. Police in South Africa will not only be carrying tasers, they will be carrying guns. Don’t think for one minute that if someone takes a run at an unsuspecting player, they would not take a shot if they thought
they had to. If Nelson Mandella was kept in prison for 27 years, what do you think they would do to your stupid ass? Even taking a run at a bench player like Clarence Goodson will land you with a serious beating. Long story short Yanks fans, stay off the fucking pitch this summer. You’re not a world class athlete, we don’t need to watch you get tackled, tased, or god forbid, shot on television. If you still want to make a complete ass of yourself in public, stop by TYAC home offices. We can get a whole bunch of people to watch you get tackled by Raf, and tased by Jon, all while I have the intern pour my PBR into a frosty cool mug. Sorry for partying. Puck is the pop culture guru for The Yanks Are Coming. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.