Puck's Friday Happy Hour: Where The Yanks Are Coming Staff Cleans Up Their Act Edition

Rooney's suspension for foul language was perfectly timed with our decision to clean up our act.

By Puck Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back into another Happy Hour. I don’t know about you, but I have been looking forward to this weekend for a long while. It’s time for the Spring Football Game here in Gainesville, and it marks the first time Gator fans get to see what COACH BOOM has been cooking up. Hopefully the new offense is not as God awful as last year. For golf nerds like me, I was excited that the Masters kicked off yesterday; it is without question a tradition unlike any other. Neil and I were pleased that Mickelson was able to shoot a 70, even though he sprayed his driver everywhere but the fairway. In soccer news, I was delighted to see that perennial jackleg Wayne Rooney will be missing out on the FA Cup Semi-Finals against Manchester City on April 16th because he said a few dirty words on TV. While I don’t agree with the ruling, not having to take on Rooney will give City the leg up in trying to win a trophy for the first time in what seems like forever. The Wayne Rooney incident is really the perfect transition into this week’s Happy Hour. As many of the long time fans and readers know, we here at TYAC have been going through some changes: a new web design, a handful of new writers, and a new commitment to following the MLS. The winds of change will continue this spring, but this time it has to do with…you guessed it: language. Before announcing the changes, here are my 187 words on the subject. What I am going to say has essentially been said before by scholars and comedians alike. Words in and of themselves have no meaning. They are assigned meaning by the context and reaction we give them. If I call “Lighting Cup” Levy an asshole because he is busting my balls about Manchester City, it means nothing. At the same time, if some clown gets mouthy with my favorite barkeep, that guy is certainly an asshole and needs to leave. Same word, different context and that is what really matters. Through this viewpoint, it is impossible to label words either “good” or “bad”. The idea that a word can be inherently “bad” or “dirty” is complete nonsense. What exactly makes a word “bad”? If ten people get offended when I use the word periwinkle, do I have to stop using it in every day conversation to not offend their puritanical sensibilities? At the same time, what exactly makes a word “good”? Placing words into either of these two categories is really up to the individual, and I do not want anyone to ever legislate what words I get to use. That’s a path to legislating what people think, which is probably even worse. And why we have a First Amendment. I digress.

We won't say WHO told us to clean up our act-- but they may or may not be based in this house.

Apparently, we here at TYAC have been using some language that some folks don’t view as family friendly. The powers that be, and they know who
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they are, like to think that most USMNT fans are overeducated suburbanites with names like Carrington. While this may be true, and I don’t think it is, there is also an extremely large contingent of USMNT fans that like to drink beers and kick ass before and during matches. Think Brian McBride, except with beer. This segment of fans is a huge driving force behind the growth of soccer in the US, and should not be ignored. The suits of the world want this group of fans, which includes folks like myself and other TYAC writers, to sound more like an Orbitz commercial and less like we currently do. While I don’t plan on making any changes in my personal life, as a website, we will be cleaning up our act…a little. Instead of using the traditional words that some seem to have a problem with, we will be using a new system of coded words that will be

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explained below. Let’s get started shall we? Before I make the suits in Chicago for a certain federation happy, let’s clear one final thing up. The following colorful phrases are still in play: Piss, Ass, Damn, and God Damn. These will continue to appear on the site whenever we feel like using them. Moving on. Below is the new Yanks Are Coming Dictionary. Asshole = Jackleg Luckily this was an easy transition. We have been using this phrase here since the beginning. Quick example, “Look at that asshole diving in the box” makes the smooth transition to “Look at that jackleg diving in the box.” Shit = Poop Again it’s easy. “Everybody shits” turns into the classic children’s book “Everybody Poops.” Tits = Hammers or The Pouncey Twins Ok, I know this list is a bit juvenile, but come on, you’re still reading at this point, so I guess I should continue. As TYAC was founded by members of the Gator Nation, we had to give a shout out to our boys. “Man, I really hope April and her Pouncey Twins make it to happy hour.” Pussy = Cristiano Ronaldo AKA C-Ron I don’t think there is single writer on the TYAC staff that does not respect Ronaldo’s talent. He can do things with the ball that most players only dream of. At the same time, we all think the dramatic flopping after a strong gust of wind is just too much. As such, he earns the distinction of this code word. “Shut up and take that shot. Stop acting like such a C-Ron.” Cunt = Rooney For this code word, we had to give it to one of the most hated players amongst the TYAC staff. At the same time, it had to be someone British, because they toss this word around like me and the boys toss around jackleg. I do have to mention that English Reporter Simon Bird came very close to receiving this honor. For those of you not familiar with the story, Bird wrote a very unflattering story about Newcastle for his paper The Mirror. When former Newcastle Manager Joe Kinnear read the article, he walked into his next press conference, and asked “Who is Simon Bird?” After a response, Kinnear responded, “You’re a cunt, just wanted to tell you to your face.” Absolute Gold. Listen to the whole exchange here. “What a miserable Rooney.”

What the Rossi, man ?

Fuck = Rossi This needs no explanation. Actually, it does. That will be below. Mother Fucker = Giuseppe Rossi This was pretty simple. No one has created a more visceral reaction amongst USMNT fans than the American Born Rossi. Turning his back on the country of his birth, Rossi is a rising star for the Italian National Team, and currently has racked up 15 goals in La Liga. Each time I see one of his highlights for club or country, I can’t stop myself from thinking, “Why the fuck couldn’t he be playing for us?” When he scored against the USMNT in the 2009 Confederations Cup the crew here in Gainesville nearly lost it. Hopefully, the new Dictionary will keep you up to date, while also making the site more, “family friendly” as they say. It’s Friday, so I can’t forget PUCK’s FREE ADVICE: I know I hinted at this last week, but the Final Rounds of the Masters will be played this weekend. If you have any interest in golf, or just want to root against Tiger Woods, grab your favorite cocktail and settle in. It should be one hell of a finish. I don’t recommend driving while intoxicated—you might hit a fire hydrant, particularly if you piss off your old lady and she comes after you with a nine iron…too soon? Sorry for partying….Giuseppe Rossi. Puck is the Pop Culture Guy For The Yanks Are Coming. He can be reached at puck@yanksarecoming.com and you can follow him and his rantings on Twitter at @PuckLovesPBR.

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  • Rooney fan

    Puck is now politically correct. It is truly the End of Times. Start building the ark cause its going to be raining soon Giuseppe Rossis.

  • Amy

    This is a tragiheroic day for democracy.

  • Maxwell

    I was so upset about TYAC’s slap on the wrist from a certain federation that I drank a jug of wine last night. I don’t know what happened but I awoke on a couch somewhere no where close to my house, covered in Little Debbie Star Crunches and pooped trice before noon. But I am on my second bottle of Pinot for this Saturday so that is neither here nor there.

    I have to ask, as someone who uses the language of which you are now limiting yourself what does this mean for the faithful readers? I am merely asking because I don’t foresee being able to say or type Giuseppe Rossi without a preemptive “that mother fucker”. But if I have to type Giuseppe Rossie Giuseppe Rossi and it translates as “that mother fucking, mother fucker” I’m sort of ok with it. Just wondering.

    Whatever the case, brilliant article. I almost wrecked my car laughing as I was reading it – and I was parked.

    • This is the single greatest comment in the history of The Yanks Are Coming. Bravo. In fact, bravissimmo. Rossi that Giuseppe Rossi Giuseppe Rossi. See what I did there ? And now I commence with my own Pinot Noir-ing.

      Cheers,

      Neil W.

    • PUCK

      HALL OF FAME COMMENT

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