Puck's Friday Happy Hour: Worst 90's Jams Edition

 

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back to the Happy Hour. It has been a week filled with soccer news. The Champions League kicked off with some interesting results. Both Manchester Clubs secured a point with draws, Barca was shocked to not come away with 3 at Camp Nou, and Inter was embarrassed at home by the Turkish Club Trabzonspor.

On the home front, the second round of CONCACAF World Cup qualifying continued, the MLS playoff chase is in full swing, and the Entourage series finale was complete shit.  I mean you have got to be kidding me. Everyone goes home happy? What a joke. E bangs his ex fiancé’s step mom and Sloan takes him back. What planet are these people living on, Narnia? Vince somehow meets a refined, mature, independent woman who is not interested in sleeping with actors and somehow manages to get engaged in 24 hours. Unless she is a con artist, I am not buying it. I have been running a hate parade on this show for the last three seasons, but I guess the joke is on me because I watched every damn episode and will probably go see the movie to continue riding the hate train. But I digress. While all of these stories lines are important to a soccer blog (except of course Entourage), this is the last you will hear about them from me. We have something much more important to talk about this week, 90’s Jams. Please let me explain.

We won't impugn the integrity of N'Sync here- lest we embarrass Rolling Stone too much....

A few weeks ago Rolling Stone asked its readers to come up with a list of the ten worst songs of the 19990’s. Being an aficionado of 90’s Jams, I was excited to participate. I spent an hour or so checking out YouTube and my old CD collection for some of the worst songs I could think of. By the end of it all, I had come up with what I thought was a pretty good list, certainly not definitive but respectable. Finally, the moment of truth arrived, and Rolling Stone released the results of their poll. After going through the list, I can say with complete confidence that the people who came up with this list have no Rossing clue what the hell they are talking about. I think it’s time for a breakdown. And no, I won’t hate on Timberlake. That would be mean to Rolling Stone. See above.

First of all, a few of the songs on this list are really terrible, like horrific car accident terrible, and deserve at least consideration for the list, if not an actual place in the top ten. For the record, I have no problems with the following tunes on the list.

Right Said Fred – I’m Too Sexy -You think the song is bad, watch the video. Just how in the hell can you be, “too sexy” for a cat? Go back toEngland and please don’t come back.

Billy Ray Cyrus – Achy Breaky Heart – This song singlehandedly sent country music back a decade. Hank Williams must have been rolling in his grave when this song came out. Merle too. Now pound your beer in their honor.

Literally doesn't get much worse than Baha Men. Except, of course it gets worse...

Baha Men-Who let the dogs out – For a solid five years this song was a staple at any live sporting event. Thank God we have returned to sanity.

Chumbawamba-Tubthumping – I get it, you’re English and you like booze. Move on already.

Los Del Rio – Macarena – I am categorically against any song that has some dance associated with it. Period.

Aqua – Barbie Girl –If you listen to this song more than once, your ears will start to bleed. Don’t believe me? I dare you to try.

At this point we have gotten 6 of the top ten voters picks out of the way. However, the credibility of the voting public is called into question when these JAMS end up on a list of the worst songs of the 90’s. Sure, no one expected these songs to win a Grammy Award, but there is no way they belong on a list of the worst songs of a decade filled with complete shit music.

4 Non Blondes – What’s Up? – 14 on the Billboard Hot 100 in 1993, then went on to be the number one single in 8 different countries. Math does not lie, stop hating.

Celine Dion-My Heart Will Go On – At the time Titanic came out, it was the highest grossing movie ever. James Cameron dropping the mic all over Hollywood. This song dominated the soundtrack, and desirably so. People still love thing song. Play it on the bar jukebox and I guarantee 10 ladies start singing along. On a complete side note, my roommate K-dub made an interesting point this week. Titanic on cable TV sucks–no Kate Winslet hammers. I may even go rent The Reader now.

Hanson – MmmBop – Of all the songs on this list, MmmBop is probably the most controversial, but I can’t understand why. During my college days, my roommate and I discovered an interesting mathematical relationship. The number of MmmBop spins played in the door room was directly correlated to the number of naked women in the dorm room. You can’t fight science.

Vanilla Ice –Ice Ice Baby – I was completely shocked to see this song on the list. Vanilla Ice helped define the 90’s. Anyone who was over the age of 10 when the song came out knows all the words. People need to stop acting like they hate this JAM when they clearly were practicing Ice’s dance moves in the mirror. “Will it every stop”, no way in hell Ice, not on my watch.

For all you jackwagons out there who think the above songs are terrible, you clearly don’t know a damn thing. There are literally hundreds of other songs in the 90’s that should be considered among the worst. Yesterday I took 20 minutes and thought of some terrible 90’s songs that did not make the cut. Each of these is far worse than those that actually made the list.

Before he was impeccable as Ali-- well-- he was making really horrible music.

Anything by Will Smith – Thank God Will found acting, because his Pop Music career took a turn for the worse around 1997. Leaving DJ Jazzy Jeff was a terrible career decision. Go ahead and try to find a Will Smith Song from the 90’s that is not terrible. Just the Two of Us you say…..sorry a cover and a shitty one at that. Men in Black, are you serious? Sure the movie was ok just because TLJ was in it, but the soundtrack down right terrible. Let’s not forget about Wild Wild West. I have no idea how Stevie Wonder allowed him to use samples from “I Wish”. The product is insulting.  Literally– new rule: Anyone who samples Stevie Wonder is not allowed to embarrass Superstition so badly that you cry. It is no coincidence that global suicides are down since Will Smith quit making pop music.

White Town – Your Women – Besides the song sounding like it was made by a 12 year old in their parents basement, the lyrics don’t make any damn since. Good riddance.

Paula Cole –Where Have all the Cowboys Gone – Initially I wanted to give Paula a break pass because her certifiable JAM “I Don’t Want o Wait” was the soundtrack to a 1990s staple show, Dawson’s Creek. After listening to the song a couple more times, its awfulness can no longer be overlooked. The whispering mixed with the chorus is just disturbing.

Crash Test Dummies – Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm – The nominations committee must have been smoking crack when they nominated this song for best vocal performance back in 1995. If this song does not put you to sleep, you’re already dead inside.

Soho –Hippy Chick.  How did any producer let this song make it to an album, let alone radio play? The only person who can get through more than 35 seconds of the song must be deaf.

LFO – Summer  Girls—New Kids on the Block only had 3 hits, Chinese Food is delicious, and I think its fly when your career tanked in 2001. Never admit you like this song in public, you might get your ass kicked.

I could sit here for troll the internet for hours and find more terrible 90’s songs. Hell, it’s probably what YouTube was invented for, but I don’t really have the time. Loyal TYAC readers have to have an opinion on some awful 90’s tracks. Bring the noise people.

The senseless collection of inbreeding and white trash that is the University of Tennessee is in town, and as you can see Gator girls look hotter in orange anyway.

PUCK’S FREE ADVICE:

This week’s advice is comes down to economics. If you plan on watering down good liquor with some type of mixer, you are wasting time and money. As soon as you put a drop of coke in a glass of Wild Turkey, you have ruined everything, while simultaneously looking like a jackwagon. When drinking simple mixed cocktails, buy the cheap booze.  It does not taste much different, and you will give you wallet a break. Unless you are TYAC Editor-In-Chief Neil W. Blackmon. Then keeping buying Woodford Reserve bourbon and hooking my ass up.

Tennessee, that senseless institution known for its useless collection of inbreeding and white trash, comes to town this weekend folks. As Jon “Lighting Cup” Levy would say, “Too close for beers, switching to Bourbon.”

Puck is the Pop Culture Guy for The Yanks Are Coming. He can be reached at puck@yanksarecoming.com, but not tomorrow as he will be black out in 2.4 hours. You can follow him on the Twitter at @PuckLovesPBR.

Filed Under: FeaturedSeptember 2011

About the Author:

  • Why does Tennessee wear orange?

    So they can go to the game on Saturday,
    Go hunting on Sunday,
    and go to their job picking up trash off the highway M-F.

  • Why does Tennessee wear orange?

    So they can go to the game on Saturday,
    Go hunting on Sunday,
    and go to their job picking up trash off the highway M-F.

    • Mine eyes have seen the rednecks and their common law affairs, mine eyes have seen the orange-clad drunkards as they’re falling down the stairs…

  • Rooney Fan

    But Aqua is the top selling Danish band of all time. What can you expect from a band from a country named after a pastry? 

  • Anonymous

    A lot of these songs aren’t bad in a vacuum, but being overplayed has
    had a significant effect on their perception and legacies.  “My Heart
    Will Go On” is a perfect example of that.  Great song.  Huge acclaim. 
    Made famous by one of the biggest movies of the era.  But I’m tired of
    Susie Sorority putting it on the jukebox on a Friday night at the
    college watering hole.  Ya, her and 10 of her sisters sang along like
    you pointed out, but it killed the vibe at the bar for like 20 minutes.

    And a couple nitpicky little quips:

    While most of the Will Smith hate is warranted, “Summertime” is a notable exception; I admit it would by no means get a sniff of any “Top 10 best songs of the 90’s” list, but it nonetheless sees its moment in the sun on any mix I brew up for a summer party.  Plus all the stuff you said about “Ice Ice Baby” applies to choice songs by Smith as well.

    Surely “mmm Bop” and “Summer Girls” are on the same level – either both underrated jams that make bosoms come out of hiding or both garbage peddled by people who might have been extras in JC Penny’s ‘back to school’ commercials when I was in 5th grade.

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