Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, World Cup fans of all ages, the greatest holiday of the year is rapidly approaching. No, I am not talking about Canada Day (fuck those Sidney Crosby loving buffoons, but Pam Anderson is cool.) I am talking about the 4th of July. We celebrate independence from our former colonial oppressors like no one else in the world. Families and friends gather around grills, porches, decks, and parks, getting shit hammered on American barging basement brews, eating BBQ, playing sports and enjoying the local fireworks display. Unfortunately, the USMNT will not be playing in the quarterfinal match up before my favorite day of the year. So while I would have loved to write another post on how to get fucked up during the game, the boys and I at TYAC decided I should assemble a short list of reasons I think America kicks ass. Just to be clear, this is not the definitive or final list. America kicks ass for more reasons than I could possibly write. I now present to you, in no particular order, 10 reasons why America kicks ass. Nathan’s International July Fourth Hot Dog Eating Contest, Coney Island NY What could possibly be more American than stuffing as many hot dogs down your throat in a ten minute period? I am a big dude, so I can pound some hot dogs, but nothing compared to the recent dominating performances by Joey Chestnut. Last year, he crushed 68 hot dogs in ten minutes. Fuck Kobayashi! My prediction, Chestnut will dominate once again demolishing 70 dogs. Bruce Campbell If you don’t think Bruce Campbell is American, you are not allowed to party with me. It takes a real American to make such classics like Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2, and Army of Darkness. More importantly, he knows he is a B-movie actor and makes no apologies for it. If you can’t get enough of Bruce Campbell, check him on Burn Notice. He always has a drink in his hand, it’s like clockwork. Silicon Valley It’s the home of the dot com boom, tech entrepreneurs and porn. Let’s be clear I am not that guy that sits around all day and watches porn. However, if you know someone who says they have never watched porn, look them in the eye, and punch them in the face because they are full of shit. Everyone has watched porn at some point. That’s right everyone, even your grandparents. Hell, what else is grandpa going to do after popping that magic little blue pill and Granny doesn’t want to play a game of “here quick, hide this!” It’s nice to live in a place where that can happen. US Military The 4th of July is a day to celebrate America, so it is important to recognize all our men and women serving overseas so we can get drunk and eat cheeseburgers. It’s not only a time thank our current soldiers, but also those that lost their lives saving Europe from total destruction, liberating the Pacific, fighting communism and terrorism. Many people feel that the military budget in the country is way too large. No matter where you come down on the issue, I bet you sleep better at night knowing your US Military is the biggest and toughest on the planet. In the immortal words of Col. Nathan R. Jessep, “You want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending
something.” Hulk Hogan Speaking of things that kick ass, we cannot forget professional wrestler, reality television star, and rocking guitarist, Hulk fucking Hogan. This guy came from a small town outside of Tampa to become the face and hero of working class America. If you ever want to question Hulk Hogan’s patriotism, you obviously have not seen his music video, “I Am A Real American.” Pay close attention to the video about 1:30 in. Hogan single handedly defeats the Soviet Union by head butting the hammer and sickle. PBR If you read, “the greatest blog of our time” you knew this was going to be on the list. It is hands down my favorite bargain basement brew on the market. PBR just speaks America.
Take a look at the can, nothing but red, white, and blue. PBR is patriotism in a can. In fact, Neil and I came up with a new ad campaign for this delicious concoction. It should be called, “America’s Blue Ribbon,” and posters would read, “Do you want babies to be murdered? If not, drink America’s Blue Ribbon!” Sales would skyrocket. New York Cosmos If you consider yourself a soccer fan, and don’t know about the New York Cosmos, let Dr. Puck give you a quick history lesson. The Cosmos kicked so much ass from 1971 till roughly 1980, as the Cosmos were the sports ticket in the New York area. (They were around until 1985, but with much less fan fair) As a member of the North American Soccer League (NASL), they won five championships before the league folded. That is not the main reason the Cosmos were kick ass for America. They set the president for major international stars to come to the States to end their professional carriers. Stars include Franz Beckenbauer, Carlos Alberto, and Pele. Without the New York Cosmos there would be no chance of modern stars like Beckham and Henry playing in the MLS. Yanks Are Coming.com This is a great blog about soccer, America, and generally kicking ass. Plus the writers are really ridiculous good looking. American College Experience What to say about college? Let’s put it this way, I returned to graduate school just so I could continue to drink and party, all the while people think I am smart for getting my PhD. The American college experience far surpasses any other countries attempts at the same system. If you do it properly, college is essentially four years of getting totally fucked up. You are in your prime, look the best, can drink more than you ever will again, and fuck better than you will be able to in the future. Essentially you pay to get shipped off far away from your parents and regular citizen responsibility to play drinking games like, “bet your liver” all in the name of “education.” In Europe they have college, but the taboos about booze and sex are all gone. If you haven’t gotten laid or drunk by 18 there, you blow donkey dick. Need a visual for what I am talking about, click here. Freedom of Speech / Freedom of the Press This is, and will forever be the greatest thing about the USA. Where else in the world can I say the awful, depraved, drunken bullshit I do other than the greatest country in the world? People may not like what I write about, but at least no one is going to stop me from writing it. That’s the first ten I
could come up with. It’s Friday, so it’s time for Puck’s Free Advice. This 4th of July play yourself a drinking game called Louisville Chugger. Get yourself a whiffle ball bat and cut the handle end off. Pour a beer into the hollow bat, but hold onto the empty can. Your job is to chug the beer (hopefully PBR) as quick you can while the crowd keeps track of your time. After finishing, you must spin around the bat with your head down for as long as it took you to pound the beer. Once that is done, someone has to soft toss your empty beer can at you. You need to make contact, if you don’t; you have to do it all over again. If this game does not get you drunk, nothing will. If anyone of you readers out there want to add to the list, please leave a comment below. Enjoy the 4th, I know
I will. Time to pack the car for the Cedar Key beach house bitches. Sorry for partying. Puck is the pop culture guru for The Yanks Are Coming. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.