TYAC readers, hopefully you are as excited for this weekend as I am. Not only will ol’ Jonny Lightning Cup and I continue our weekend warrior status by partying non-stop, the UEFA Champions League Final is this Saturday. First, I would be remiss if I did not mention how surprised I was to see that the game will be televised on FOX. Not FSC (Fox Soccer Channel), straight up broadcast FOX. What the fuck is the world coming to? My worst fear of the weekend is FOX trotting out Joe Buck for the-play-by play and Tim McCarver for the color commentary. These two assholes are miserable covering the sports they understand, let alone soccer. Listening to these two work a match would be just as miserable and disturbing as that one night in high school you heard your parents fucking. Terrible visual, I know.
Moving on, this Saturday’s match between Bayern Munich and Inter Milan should be a classic. At this point, most readers would expect me to make a few solid jokes about Nazis, national socialism, and fascism in general, but that my friend is not the case. Discussing possible jokes with “Lighting Cup,” I actually learned a few things. Here is a brief history lesson from Professor Puck. Before WWII, Bayern Munich was owned and operated by two Jewish men. As Hitler and the Nazis took power, the club owners and president fled Germany. During the war the German public often referred to Bayern as “Jew Lovers” or “The Jew Club.” After Hitler finally decided to off himself and end the war in Europe, Bayern restocked the club with several prominent Jewish players, essentially telling the remaining Nazi to fuck off. During the same time period in Milan, Inter was a pillar of communist sentiment, vocally opposing the spread of National Socialism and Fascism. When I asked LC how he knew all this wonderful information he looked deep into my eyes and said, “Puck man, I am a Jew. I thought you knew that.”
Speaking of wars, I believe that this year’s Champion’s League Final should be henceforth referred to as, “The Dutch Civil War” or at least as “Training Camp Bragging Rights.” This Saturday, Dutch teammates Arjen Robben, and Wesley Sneijder will be pitted against each other to be Club Champions of Europe. Let’s hope that Old-Face-Killer Robben will be able to continue his dominating play during this Champions League run.
In all honesty, I do not have a serious rooting interest in this game. I will however
put on my Jon “A Whiskey or Nine” Levy, “I don’t give a shit about anything but the USMNT” hat for a few moments. The following is what I will be wishing and hoping for during the game.
- Bayern Munich Goaltender takes a penalty shot. I am not sure if many people are aware of this, but Bayern’s net minder Jorg Butt has converted three penalty shots while he has
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been with the club. Not only has he gone three for three during penalty shots, he has scored them all against the same team, Italian juggernaut Juve. The last time I saw a goalkeeper take an attempt at a penalty was during a match with Mexico sometime in the early 90s. Who does this large German think he is, Jorge Campos?
- Germans getting hurt. It’s selfish and cheap I know, but do you think I really give a shit what you all think about me? Anything that could help the USMNT’s chances of advancing
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farther in the World Cup this June is fine by me. I am not asking for a serious career ending, just enough to make sure that if we have to play the Germans in the second round, our chances for success are that much higher. We already got one break with Ballack going down, here is hoping for another.
- Olic Hat Trick. I am really hoping for Olic to pick up some steam and confidence going into next month. He has to be both mentally and physically prepared to sit on couch with Modric and the rest of the Croatian jacklegs and watch the World Cup on his flat screen. I still cannot understand how those fuckers failed to qualify.
I think it’s time for a prediction. I really would love to see the Germans pull this out, but with Franck (don’t call me Frank) out with a red card, I do not think the Germans have enough fire power to dominate the run of play. Inter will take this game by a score of 3-1.It’s Friday, so you know that means Puck’s Free Advice. You know those people who say they don’t need to drink to have a good time; they are completely full of shit. Avoid them at all costs.
Sorry for partying. Where the fuck is the intern with my PBR?
Puck is the pop culture guru for The Yanks Are Coming. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.