June 2010

Puck's Happy Hour: English Sex

No Guy Bailey, viagra canadian pharmacy this post is not about you. While you are in fact English, and I am sure you enjoy sex just as much as the next man, we have bigger

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fish to fry. It’s Friday, so grab your favorite cocktail, loosen up that tie, take off those painful heals, and in the famous words of Salt-N-Pepa, “Let’s Talk About Sex Baby!” Spinderella, cut it up one time!

Before readers of “the greatest blog of our time” begin to think this is just another excuse for me to talk about women I fantasize about (it actually is) let me bring you up to speed. A few days ago, English manager and apparent sex therapist Fabio Capello made some sweeping proclamations about his players’ sex lives leading up to, and during the World Cup. Apparently Capello was raised in the Dark Ages and still believes that sex before a match can lead to a shitty performance. In an effort to make sure no one on his squad “gets their dick wet” Capello has taken actions into his own hands. First, he has banned players from seeing their wives or girlfriends (WAGS) more than once a week during training and throughout

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the tournament. Even more disturbing is how Capello plans to spy on his players in their hotel rooms. He has made arrangements with hotel personnel to check on the players through the television. You can’t be fucking serious. This creep is going to be spying on his own squad through some cheesy reality show set-up.

Before I get into the more disturbing part of this post, my scientific mind needs to impart a few actual facts. I know that Raf hates “facts” but he will get over it. Older generations have always thought that having a little roll in the bed sheets before an athletic competition would be tremendously detrimental to performance. I can even remember my grandfather

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telling me not to get a hummer from my high school girlfriend the night before a big lacrosse tournament. Hundreds of studies have been completed proving that sex does not negatively affect athletic performance. Furthermore, some studies have indicated that sex several hours before athletics can improve performance in men due to the release of massive amounts of testosterone. Back in my collegiate days I had some “afternoon delight” hours before a rugby match, and I played the greatest 80 minutes of my life. I understand that some of the greatest

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athletes in history abided by this policy. Just because Mohammed Ali didn’t bang his wife six weeks before a fight does not mean his excellent performance was solely due to all the extra baby batter he had built up in his balls. Essentially it’s all bullshit, people should be able to fuck whenever, and wherever they choose.

Let’s get to the real reason that Fabio Capello wants to spy on his squad during the World Cup. Free porn. That’s right; Capello really wants to see some naked WAGS. Honestly, I can’t blame him. The English are notorious for the bevy of beautiful ladies they are able to land. Just imagine Capello sitting on his bed, the room aglow with only candlelight, the intoxicating scent of white lilac fills the air, one hand on the remote, the other on his junk. Systematically he flips through the TV to find the likes of Peter Crouch or Steven Gerrard banging out their lovely ladies. This whole plan would work out great, until his tries to find another scene and ends up getting a close up of perennial Jackleg Wayne Rooney pleasuring himself.

I hope that visual burns into your retina.

Even if Capello was not planning on using this “spy tv” to watch his players bone, you can’t tell me he wouldn’t take

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a few moments to enjoy the show in front of him. For those of you reading this post and say, “Not everyone is into porn,” I say bullshit. Everyone has watched and will continue to watch pornography; this includes priests, nuns, and yes even your grandparents. Humans like to watch each other bang; it’s part of our evolutionary biology. Hell, we even like to watch other things bang, why you think Animal Planet gets such good ratings? Somebody please get Fabio Capello a subscription to Brazzers or Playboys Cyber Club so his boys can get some privacy.

Essentially this sex ban is not going to stop anyone from fucking if they want to. Chancellor Seco attempted a two day sex ban before writing any post with all TYAC staff months back. It ended in a sticky, sweaty, vomit covered walk of shame. Basically this whole thing is unthinkable to me, but I guess that is the price you pay when playing for debatably one of the greatest football managers in history.

It’s Friday, so it’s time for Puck’s Free Advice. Sticking with the theme of this post, I feel it’s about time for some sex advice. It’s OK to visit LA every once in a while. If you have no idea what I am talking about, you better ask someone who is better in bed then you are.

Puck is the pop culture guru for The Yanks Are Coming. He can be reached at puck@yanksarecoming.com.


  • Brian Suggs

    That was hilarious! …and I feel we shouldn’t hesitate to state another possibility, Capello is a peddar ass!!

  • Brian Suggs

    another note…. not only is it a good idea to visit LA, but when visiting that magical place I like to plant the rare but awesome jellyfish shootin’ mushroom topped sequoia into that mystical ground. Not only do the female natives welcome this “green” way of life but eventually they come to welcome and appreciate this gesture. Isn’t mother nature grand?! Despite what some may say, there is nothing wrong with a tree hunging hippie chick! You’ve just been lawyered, BOOM! Pound Jim Beam!!