After months and months or waiting, it is finally here. This morning at 10AM EST the 2010 World Cup began with “Bafana Bafana” hosting the Mexicans. Later on in the day, Uruguay and France will compete in a match that will play a huge role in who advances out of Group A. While this is a wonderful day for South Africa, and the entire continent as a whole, let’s talk about what us Americans really care about. After weeks of analysis and injury scares, the time has finally come, on Saturday at 1:30pm EST the Yanks will take the field in Rustenburg to play the Three Lions. The rest of TYAC staff and I have friends all over the world, some of them are even English. For the next 48 hours, those people are dead to me. Sorry Guy Bailey, you are an excellent writer and cool dude, but for the next couple days you are my sworn enemy. When Saturday comes and goes, we can all go back to being friends.
That said, here is a list of insults I plan on using when I run into any English jackasses over the next two days. Actually if we win tomorrow, I plan on using these for the next couple months.
First things first, making fun of the differences between American and British English is always good for some laughs. Here are a few of my favorites.
1) It’s called and Elevator, not a lift you fucking jackleg.
2) We are getting on the Freeway, not the motorway you crocked teeth bastard.
3) We ride on the subway in NYC, not the Tube, you wanker.
4) It’s called garbage, not rubbish. In fact, your rubbish douchebag.
If one of these English Jacklegs says something stupid like, “We invented the language!” Your response should be something to the effect of “You still sound like a fucking dumbass.” (On a complete side note, I am currently watching the World Cup preview show on the DVR. Some English dipshit analyst called Alexi Lalas ugly when he mentioned “The Beautiful Greeks”. Lalas’ response was priceless, “What the hell do you know about beauty, your English!” Alexi Lalas fucking rules.)
When it gets to the point where there is nothing left for you and your English rivals to argue about, you must end the conversation with the most fantastic insult you can muster. Sing this song directly in their face, “If it wasn’t for the Yanks you’d all be Krauts. *clap clap*”, continue to repeat until you see the tears welling up in the jacklegs eyes.
Now that we have that all cleared up, I want to let you all in on what I will be doing during the match this Saturday. After careful consideration and consultation from several other degenerate drinkers, I have invented the USA/England Drinking Game. Hopefully this game will get you as hammered as you should be. Essentially this game is just a list of things that probably will happen at some point during the match, with a drinking activity associated with it. The games starts off pretty tame but trust me; it will get intense shortly. Let’s get started shall we.
If any of the following takes place during the 90 minute match take a swig of your favorite cocktail;
1) Michael Bradley commits a foul. (This will happen a lot. Remember I am trying to get you drunk).
2) Tim Howard touches the ball. Not a save, just any time he comes in contact with the ball.
3) Michael Bradley makes a back pass. (This one’s for you Raf.)
4) Donovan gives the thumbs up to a teammate after his perfectly lifted pass is botched.
5) Jozy draws a foul.
It’s time for the second section of the game. If any of the following takes place drink you beer for roughly 5-10 sections.
1) Any yellow card.
2) Gooch knocks someone down and stairs menacingly over their body.
3) Someone complains to the shitty Brazilian official about a bad call.
4) Veins begin the bulge in Howard’s head as he barks orders at his defense.
5) Any set piece goal. Hopefully it does not involve a break down in the US defense. But if it does, you certainly will need a drink.
The third round gets a bit crazier. If any of these happens during the game immediately bound your beer.
1) Red Card. Hopefully this involves Wayne Rooney, but it applies for anyone on the pitch.
2) Jose Francisco Torres enters the game. (This is on the list solely to continue my man crush.)
3) Any goal in the run of play. If it’s a US goal, make sure to get some beer in your mouth when celebrating.
4) Alexi Lalas says something kickass at halftime. This will probably involve some sort of insult at the English in general.
Finally, we get to the Super Bonus Round of the game. These are the two most extreme events that could take place, each with its own drinking/drug use associated with it.
1) Simultaneous Michael Bradley/Wayne Rooney Red Card. This would most likely happen during some type of violent exchange between the two. If this happens you must immediately partake in a Cannonball. If you are not familiar, let me explain. When performing a Cannonball one must inhale a giant bong hit, then pound and entire beer before exhaling the said bong hit. If you were not fucked up before, I promise you will be after.
2) If at any time during the match, Bob Bradley manages to uncross his arms and smile, you must take a page out of Diego Maradona’s book and do a key bump.
That’s it, that’s the game. Hopefully it gets you fucked up and pumped for the game. I know I have a stockpile of PBR and Whiskey on ice and ready to go. I can’t wait for tomorrow. Let Fucking Go Yanks!!!
Puck is the pop culture guru for The Yanks Are Coming. He can be reached at email@example.com.
Filed Under: June 2010
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