Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back into another Happy Hour. These holiday weeks have been quite relaxing, filled with cocktail parties, excellent food, friends, and family. While many of you office drones had to return to work this week, I am still enjoying my winter vacation. I am currently in Denver, enjoying the Mile High City’s local beers and women. Last week, I wrote about my five most memorable moments of the year that was for the USMNT. However, the end of the year is not only a time for reflection; it can also be a time to look forward. I am referring to my 2011 Bold Predictions. If you are a sports fan, and you certainly must be if you are a regular reader of the most important blog of our time, you have heard, or even made some bold predictions of your own.
The boys and I here at TYAC watch a lot of sports and we drink a lot of beer. This combination always results in crazy Nostradamusesque proclamations and usually ends with one of use looking like an asshole. For example, just a couple weeks ago Jon “Lighting Cup” Levy made an idiotic prediction at our favorite watering hole Shabooms. After the Colts fell behind in a Sunday night game, Levy bet the entire bar that the Colts would score in the next 7 plays. On play three, Manning tossed a pick 6 and Levy had to buy a round of shots for everyone at the bar. He is still bitching about the amount of money he dropped that night. I have made similar crazy predictions and bets that have cost me multiple bottles of Jameson Irish Whiskey. My most recent non-soccer related bold prediction; John Fox will be fired from the Carolina Panthers at the end of the season. If the NFL avoids a lockout, Jon Harbaugh will be hired as the next head coach and will select Andrew Luck as his QB with the first overall pick in the upcoming NFL draft. I know it sounds a bit crazy, but that is why they are called bold predictions. As it is New Years Eve, I think it is time for me to make some bold predictions about the USMNT in 2011.
Landon Donovan will become the USMNT Captain
Most of us here at TYAC have been waiting on this transition for some time. The current Captain Carlos Bocanegra played admirably while wearing the armband in the 2010 World Cup. However, we all know that it is time to move on, even if we and probably Landon don’t want to admit it out loud. The odds that Boca will be starting for the USMNT during the 2014 finals are about as good as my chances of sleeping with Mila Kunis. I am not saying that he will not be a very important asset during qualifying, but we need to move on. If Bob Bradley has any sense at all,
Landon will be the Captain BEFORE the Gold Cup starts this summer.
The USMNT will not win the Gold Cup because of Javier Hernandez
Most soccer fans know him better as “Chicharito”, but this Manchester United attacking force will cause a great deal of trouble for the USMNT during the Gold Cup. At 22, Chicharito is the future of the Mexican attack. In only 20 appearances with the National side, he has already scored 11 goals, not to mention the chances he has set up for his attacking partners. As he begins to see more time at Manchester United, Chicharito will develop into a global star. The concern for Bob Bradley and the USMNT is who will be playing in central defense during the Gold Cup? In my opinion Boca and Gooch are on their way out, and our youngsters like Tim Ream may lack the international experience to contain such an attacking talent. The Gold Cup will be Chicharito’s coming out party. Even if you do lose the Gold Cup to Mexico, the joke is still on them. The American demand for illegal drugs is slowly destroying Chicharito’s homeland.
Retired MLS player Kyle Martino will return to action with the USMNT after gaining super strength from his engagement to Eva Amurri.
Kyle Martino is currently an MLS color man working for the four letter network. Early in his career he showed promise at the club and international levels. In eight caps with the USMNT Martino scored a goal. Unfortunately, due to a rash of terrible injuries this Yank had to hang up his boots at the early age of 29. However, he will make a triumphant return now that he is marrying a mega babe with Yankette potential in Eva Amurri, Susan Sarandon’s daughter. If you readers thought I would have a New Years Eve edition of the Happy Hour and not talk about a super hot women, you are all crazy. My love affair with Miss Amurri started when she appeared on Showtime’s Californication. If you have not seen the series, get working on you Netflix accounts, because it is one of the best shows on TV. On the show she played the mythical student that is stripping at night to pay their way through college. No disrespect Miss Amurri, but you have
the best rack in the business–Kyle Martino is a lucky man.
There you have it, my bold predictions for 2011. Hopefully I am wrong about the Gold Cup, but with my flux capacitor no longer fluxing, it’s hard to predict the future. 1.21 GIGAWATTS!!!
It is, of course, New Years Eve, so I cannot leave you without
PUCKS FREE ADVICE:
This year, do what makes for a better story. I am not saying that you should put yourself in dangerous situations, but don’t shy away from doing crazy and stupid shit. Perfect example, I am not really interested in sleeping with a “little person” for the pleasure of the sexual experience. I would sleep with her because I could think of about 10 people I would call right afterwards and say: “Dudes, you will not believe what I just did!”
It is time to make preparations for the New Years Eve party in Denver, Colorado. I am off to find some hippy babe with a medical marijuana license that is dumb enough to sleep with me after the ball drops.
Happy New Year, and sorry for partying bitches.
Puck is the Pop Culture Guy for The Yanks Are Coming. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org and you can follow him musings about Manchester City, PBR, busty women, Syracuse basketball and Neil W. Blackmon’s romantic interests on Twitter at @pucklovespbr.