Over the last day and a half, I have been trying to think of the right phrase to describe my emotions during the USA-Algeria game. Learning that Jon Bornstein was starting at left back, I needed a beer just to get out of bed. The boys here at TYAC home office started to take bets on just how many times he was going to vomit in the tunnel before the game. (I think the winning wager was two, but don’t quote me on that) As the game progressed I was optimistic, we developed good chances and seemed to carry the pace of the game. However, as time continued to tick away I was a nervous wreck. Could all the
work the USMNT had done over the last four years really be for nothing? While “Lighting Cup” Levy and company were trying to talk me down from the ledge, we scored arguably the most important goal in USMNT history. At that moment I went from suicidal thoughts to shotgunning PBRs in the living room shirtless. (Sexy I know). Since then I have been drinking PBR, working on my PhD candidacy (manufactured nanoparticle interactions with natural organic matter) and racking my brain over just exactly what I was going to write for this post. Then it finally hit me, it is time for Mr. Puck to invent a new drinking game for this Saturday’s matchup between the USA and Ghana. Before I get to the game, I want to thank all the readers of “the greatest blog in the history of the interwebs” for the great success of the USA/England drinking game. To date, it is the most successful of Puck’s Friday Happy Hours. Hopefully you all got as shithammered as I did. Let me give you all a quick recap. Tim Howard touched the ball a lot, so that really got the party started. I am going to say that if you played the game properly you must have consumed at least 7 to 8 beers a person. If you were also taking the occasional bong rip, you may have ended up singing vocal star and sometimes cocaine addict Whitney Houston’s jam “I Wanna Dance with Somebody.” For this game, we are going to change things up. Instead of focusing on the match itself (which you are sure to be doing anyway) we are going to have the commentators and analysts lead the way. That’s right; Martin Tyler and John Harkes will be getting you drunk. They will be getting a little help along the way from the boys in the studio, but they will be the main players in this drama. Pregame, Halftime, or Postgame Commentators This section of the coverage will include a combination of the following talking heads, Ruud Gullit, Roberto Martinez, Jurgen Klinsman, Steve McManaman, Shaun Bartlett, Bob Ley, Chris Fowler, Mike Tirico, and personal hero Alexi Lalas. Because we don’t know
who will be in the studio and who will be at “Royal Bat-Fucking Stadium”, whenever any of the above jacklegs does the following, drink your PBR for 5 seconds. Ruud Gullit – Praises one of his former players (Landon Donovan) or refers to the Dutch National side as “we”. Roberto Martinez – Pronounces something in a funny Spanish that makes you laugh out loud. Jurgen Klinsman – Continually mentions how lucky the USA is for not having to play the Germans. Or when he praises Bobbo, he loves doing that too. Steve McManaman – Ask like an English Jackass and draws attention to his own hair Shaun Bartlett – Continually harps on the fact that Ghana will not only have the support of a country, but the entire African continent. Bob Ley – Attempts to impress the World wide audience and fellow commentators with his extensive, obnoxious high vocabulary. Chris Fowler – Any time he pulls a TYAC move and draws a parallel of soccer to another American sport. Mike Tirico – Mispronounces or overcomplicates the name of an international star. Alexi Lalas – When he says something passionate, even if it is completely fucking wrong, pound your fucking beer. End of discussion That should get everyone playing a nice little buzz before kickoff. Now during the run of play, it will be critically important to listen to what Tyler and Harkes have to say. If the following happens, drink your favorite cocktail for a good 5 seconds. 1) John Harkes complains about a shitty
call by the official for way longer than is necessary. 2) Harkes attempts to use one of Tyler’s British soccerisms. 3) Any of the following words are spoken by either Harkes or Tyler: Strike, quality, caliber, superb, fixture, and petulant. 4)Tyler makes a thinly veiled racist comment my mentioning the Ghanaians “speed” or “athleticism” 5) Harkes is obviously puzzled by what Tyler has just said. On the other hand Tyler is appalled by what Harkes has just said. Finally, it time for the Super Bonus Round: 1) If at any time the camera shows Bill Clinton, hanging in a luxury box, pound your beer, smoke a cigar, and diddle some unattractive wench closest to you. 2) ESPN takes the time to focus in on a hot piece, (guy or girl, this is an equal opportunity blog) that you would definitely sleep with, sing the Divinyls classic, “When I think about you I touch myself” That’s the game. I hope you like it. Hopefully it gets you drunk enough to sing anything from early 90s Latin heartthrob Jon Secada’s catalog shirtless at your favorite watering hole. Hits include “Just Another Day” and “If You Go.” Puck’s Free Advice for the weekend, play
this drinking game, if you don’t, you’re an ass clown. Get the PBR on ice; it’s the round of 16 bitches. Sorry for partying. Puck is the pop culture guru for The Yanks Are Coming. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.