Over the last week, I have truly enjoyed each of the games during the World Cup. It’s easy to love an even that happens once every four years, but even the most uninteresting games (ie France vs. Uruguay) have been enjoyable. After trying to figure out why this was the case, “Lighting Cup” Levy and I may have stumbled upon the answer, European announcers. Colin Cowherd and Jim Rome may want to call me a pussy for saying so, but watching a proper football game with commentators who can actually pronounce the names of the players they are taking about, makes the match much more enjoyable. Am I the only
USMNT fan on the planet who thinks that listening to JP Dellacamera and John Harkes call a game together is like being forcibly taped down and enduring the pain of having a rat eat your eyes directly out of your skull? I truly cannot stand those two jacklegs. Actually, they may end up on Puck’s People Who Would Ruin a Party Volume 2 (especially Harkes). I understand that Harkes is a former player, but I would much rather hear my insights from people who were much better than him during their playing days. The only American I want to hear talk about soccer during this World Cup is my personal hero Alexi F. Lalas. (The F stands for Fucking). With all this talk of European commentators, “Lighting Cup” and I began to wonder where one of the staples of ESPN soccer commentators has been during the games. Who am I referring to? Tommy Smyth. I know most people, and most likely all the English can’t stand this guy. I, on the other hand, can’t get enough of how ridiculous he sounds. He is like the Yogi Berra of modern soccer analysis. Here is one of his choice nugs, “Liverpool does not play well against Italian teams, especially in Italy.” What genius! But seriously, it’s time to play a game called “Where in the World is Tommy Smyth?” Below are a few options we at TYAC are considering. Option 1: After landing in South Africa, Tommy
decided it was time to have a shot of Jameson and a Guinness in every bar. Not just every bar in one city, every bar in the country. He is using his magical Leprechaun powers to teleport from bar to bar losing no time in between drinks. Truthfully, he was supposed to be visiting each of the stadiums in the competition, but after the French beating at the hands of the Mexicans, he has not been able to stop celebrating. Hopefully for Tommy, each night ends in the arms of a beautiful temptress, hopefully one without AIDS. Option 2: Others believe that Tommy never actually made it to South Africa. Reports have him posted up in his favorite pub in Dublin with Shay Given, Robbie Keane, and the rest of the Irish national team. The winner of each chugging contest gets the privilege of tossing another dart at life size posters of Thierry Henry and Raymond Domenech while the entire squad cries out in anger. Option 3: The French have blamed their awful play on the fact that they have not been able to get any sleep the evening before a big match. Apparently a group a folks dressed in green has been sitting outside the French hotels constantly blowing vuvuzelas. My belief is that Tommy is the ringleader behind this attack, stalking the French wherever they may go. (Most likely home soon.) Option 4: Unsubstantiated reports from South Africa place Tommy Smyth in the group of handpicked Chinese actors posing as North Korean fans at the request of Kim Jong-il. Tommy must wear his sunglasses at all times to not be spotted as a “Round Eye”. In all reality, Tommy Smyth is the head analyst and commentator for ESPN Radio coverage in South Africa during the World Cup . Why I disappointed that he will not be breaking down the games in my living room, it’s good to know he is still employed. Hell, I was beginning to think he was dead or something. It’s Sunday, so here is what you have all been waiting for, Puck’s Free Advice. If you happen to be at the World Cup and want to have all your friends see you on TV, make sure you spend as much time as possible next to a few really hot chicks. ESPN never misses a shot of some hot piece in a tight little Messi or Kaka kit. I know this may be difficult if you are a Yanks fan going to the Slovenia or Algeria match, but I am sure you can find some other ladies. It’s time for me to catch a flight to NYC for a little college reunion. Keep the PBR on ice bitches; you know I will be back. Sorry for partying. Puck is the pop culture guru for The Yanks Are Coming. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.