Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back into another Happy Hour.
Even though the Gators decided the Saturday before last was a good time to show up to the game drunk like the rest of the students, the following week-plus has been pretty good. While being called a legend by Afootballreport.com feels great, it is still important to remember that I put my pants on just like everyone else in the world, one leg at a time. The only real difference is that when I put my pants on, I fucking kick ass.
Before I get into the real topic of the week, I need to hit on a couple things. First, I would not be considered an EPL fan if I did not comment on the egg that Chelsea laid at Stamford Bridge last week. Getting worked 3-0 at home from a team much less talented is just embarrassing. Chelsea’s center backs were exposed for exactly what they are, old and tired wankers. On a side note, am I the only one who thinks that Carlo Ancelotti always looks like he just finished taking a really unsatisfying shit? I think he needs some more fiber in his diet.
Just like everyone else on TYAC staff, I sat at my desk last Wednesday afternoon pretending to do work while actually watching the USMNT take on South Africa. Overall, a very good performance from a young squad, but I do not want to focus on that. At some point in the second half, my advisor walked in and said, “Why are you watching this? Don’t you have work to do?” I did in fact have work to do, but I did not want to stop watching the game, so I said the first thing that popped into my head, “My boy is playing!” What the hell was I thinking? The following conversation went something like this:
Dr Boss Man: Your boy, what the hell do you mean?
Puck: A friend of mine, actually more a friend of my brothers, but I know him.
Dr Boss Man: Who is it?
Puck: Uhmm…that guy. (Frantically pointing at the screen to Eric Lichaj)
Dr Boss Man: How do you pronounce his name?
Puck: Lee-High like the University.
Dr Boss Man: Oh that’s nice, good luck to him.
Needless to say, he bought
it. That is why Eric Lichaj is now my second favorite player behind JFT. I will be starting the spin off site Lichajforleftback.com within the week. So Eric if you are reading this, please don’t tell anyone I don’t know you or I am going to look like more of an ass that I already am.
Now it’s onto the topic I really wanted to focus on, cliché phrases in sports. I, like the rest of the crew here at TYAC watch a lot of sports. I will watch at least 10 minutes of any sporting event on TV, even if I do not give a shit about either of the teams involved. Just a heads up, don’t watch several hours of Cricket in an attempt to learn the game. You will end up angry and shit-hammered and have less of an idea of what is going on than before you started. Needless to say, during these endless hours of sports watching I am bound to hear several sports clichés used by the announcing crew. In some cases, these clichés have developed out of simple racism. In other cases they have developed out of the fear of being called a racist. These clichés are used by announcers, analysts, and writers to say what they are thinking without actually saying it. I think it’s time to pull back the veil. Allow me to translate a few of my favorite sports clichés you have certainly heard before.
Firecracker – “The guys in the locker room describe him as a real firecracker”
This phrase is exclusively used on Latino players. Instead of just saying, “This dude is loud, crazy and doesn’t give a fuck” they have to act like we all have no idea what they mean. Sports analysts really love this one, especially in baseball.
Lunch Pail Mentality – “A real hard worker, just a Lunch Pail Mentality” (See Above)
This one is not all that hard to decode. You might as well be saying, “Look at that guy, he is a fucking idiot, but damn he works hard! He probably does whatever the coach asks because he doesn’t know any better” You will never hear this used on someone with genuine talent, just people from shitty teams that have worked their way up.
Traditional/Old School – “He is a real traditional Manager, which this team needs”
Just say what you really mean and called the guy “Old as Shit”. Please stop acting like we don’t have any idea what you’re talking about. Stop calling Bobby Cox, and Sir Alex Ferguson “Traditional”. They are geriatrics that should be spending their days volunteering for the Red Cross, I know it, you know it, they fucking know it. Let’s not beat around the bush any longer.
High (Fill in the blank sport) IQ– “Peyton Manning has just an incredible football IQ”
90% of the time you will only hear this phrase used on white players no matter the sport, which is the racism I previously talked about. The only black athlete I have heard this used on is Kobe, because he speaks like 9 languages. Players pinned with his cliché are predominantly white, and went to some great college. Just tell us the truth announcers, “He has a 3.5 GPA in a major that is not Community and Family Sciences”
Role Player – “What a great role player for this squad.”
This cliché follows players regardless of race. What the TV crew is really trying to say is, “this guy normally blows, but he just came up with a big time play.” Get over it fellas, we know these guys are not the top notch, that is why they don’t have the large endorsement contracts and spend much of their time on the road competing for the overflow trim from the star player. Clarence Goodson….we’re sorry bro.
Scrappy – “Such a scrappy player, always doing the dirty work.”
Athletic – “Such an athletic presence, he really dominates his space.”
I kept this pair last because they are the most used, and the most ridiculous. Puck is going to lay it on the line for all you people out there, Scrappy = White, Athletic = Black. I am not saying that every time you called someone an athlete you mean to say black. Just listen to the way they are used. Just like a really hot chick, you know it when you see one. Imagine how uncomfortable it would be to hear announcers say things like, “What a finish by that black guy, splendid!”, or “The small white dude managed to make an excellent pass.” It’s hard to offend me, and I find that uncomfortable.
Hopefully, this is an education for most of you out there. If you feel I left something off the list, please feel free to comment below. It’s Thanksgiving Day, so I can’t leave you without
PUCK’S FREE ADVICE:
Going through someone’s Facebook photos to determine if you may have contracted an STD is no substitute for going to the doctor. However, if this mystery lover is rocking a jersey style blowout and a forearm dragon tattoo, or a mini skirt, fuck me heels and black frame glasses, it’s past time to get your shit looked at by a professional. Trying to convince yourself that growth near your love zone is just a birthmark simply does not cut it.
Now that the infamous Locker Room Wife-Fucker Tony Parker is finally out of the picture, I am off to claim what is rightfully mine. See you soon Eva Longoria-Puck. On the bright side, Thierry Henry now has a wingman to terrorize New York City. Thanksgiving night is as good a time as any to start, Tony and Thierry.
Sorry for partying bitches.
Puck is the Pop Culture Guru for The Yanks are Coming. He can be reached at email@example.com and you can follow him on Twitter at @pucklovespbr.