September 2009

Sept. Yankette of the Month: Audrina Patridge

Sure, we’re in the middle of two of the most important qualifying matches the U.S. has played in ages, and there’s a nerve-wracking logjam at the top of CONCACAF that would make Congressional gridlock over health care reform blush. But let’s not forget to celebrate Southern California’s Audrina Patridge, the September 2009 Yankette of the Month.

If you are as excited as I am about this Friday, and I imagine you are, you’ll know that Audrina has a huge role to play in the sure to be blockbuster film Sorority Row, a horror story about– get this– sorority girls getting murdered by a serial killer after a “sisterhood prank” goes awry. I’m glad Audrina’s getting the work, as it appears she was doing Carl’s Jr. commercials while waiting for MTV to launch her Hills spin off reality show.

Most of us Audrina as one of the early star’s of MTV reality show “The Hills”, where she was more or less second on the “I’m not nice and it’s really hot” totem pole, next to Lauren Conrad.

Of course, The Hills is not at all a reality show, a fact of life that troubled my bourgeoise mind nearly to tears when I found out the bitter truth. For an idea of how bad I felt, imagine the seven year old who just found out about Santa Claus multiplied by a Saturday morning cold fraternity house shower, and multiply that by 200. Needless to say, I need Sorority Row, with all its well-advertised, this idea is in no way original and people won’t care grandeur more than I’ve neded a B list horror film in a long, long time. If you don’t believe me– check out the Theta Pie or Die!! trailer yourself and call me a liar when I say this could be the must-see film of 2K9.

I might even hold off on my Friday evening pile of empties to go check it out– but I doubt it– after the spoiler alert that our Yankette of the Month is killed off quickly, the movie already is fighting an uphill battle. The good news is that Carrie Fisher– yep, the same bazooka toting I’m going to kill Jake Elwood and really it’s only because I’m projecting my Mark Hamill bitterness Carrie Fisher– is actually in the film.

Like I said, can’t miss.

And after all, a horror movie actress from a not-reality, reality, immensely successful, opium of real-life sorority girl masses show is the perfect Yankette for a month that tonight features what ultimately may be the most critical game in the South Africa qualifying campaign. More on the T and T match in a moment– but first enjoy Audrina and be sure to read Raf’s wrap on the El Salvador game at the Rio Tinto that follows this particular blog. There really wasn’t much I could add to his analysis after I wrote my own entry, other than to mention that I think Brian Ching’s service to the national team starting 11 is more or less finished with the continued development of Davies and Altidore, and to note that while he tries very hard, Jon Bornstein’s contributions to the U.S. National Team should no longer be needed as he is terminally a liability on the international level.

Much like the sorority girls in Audrina’s new film, the stakes couldn’t be much higher for the national team at this stage. It’s a kill or be killed world out there. And we are the hunted. I will now shower for having typed anything that ridiculous.

Daniel Seco

  • Amy

    This was hilarious.