The Great American Jersey Giveaway

A funny thing happened when Mr. Baldwin stumbled into TYAC office a few days ago…

Alec Baldwin: So you’re talking about what? You’re talking about…(puts out cigarette)…bitching about that column you shot, some son of a bitch that doesn’t want to comment, somebody that doesn’t want what you’re writing, some broad you’re trying to screw and so forth. Let’s talk about something important. Are you all here? Well, I’m going anyway. Let’s talk about something important! (to Jon Levy) Put that jersey down!! The USMNT jersey is for the top commenter only. (Levy scoffs) Do you think I’m screwing with you? I am not screwing with you. I’m here from Carson. I’m here from Mitch and Murray. And I’m here on a mission of mercy. Your name’s Levy?

Levy: Yeah.

Baldwin: You call yourself a writer, you son of a bitch?

Puck: I don’t have to listen to this shit.

Baldwin: You certainly don’t pal. ‘Cause the good news is — you’re fired. The bad news is you’ve got, all you got, just one week to regain your jobs, starting tonight. Starting with tonight’s… sit. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. ‘Cause we’re adding a little something to this month’s The Yanks Are Coming contest. As you all know, first prize is a USMNT World Cup jersey. Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize’s The Yanks Are Coming hat. Third prize is you’re fired. You get the picture? You’re laughing now? You got readers. The Yanks Are Coming paid good money. Get their names to sell them! You can’t get your readers to comment, you can’t close shit, you ARE shit, hit the bricks pal and beat it ’cause you are going out!!!

Levy: The readers are weak.

Baldwin: ‘The readers are weak.’ Fucking readers are weak? You’re weak. I’ve been in this business 15 years.

Puck: What’s your name?

Baldwin: SCREW YOU, that’s my name!! You know why, Mister? ‘Cause you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, I drove a eighty thousand dollar BMW. That’s my name!! (to Levy) And your name is “you’re wanting.” And you can’t play in a man’s game. You can’t get them to comment. (at a near whisper) And you go home and tell your girlfriend your troubles. (to everyone again) Because only one thing counts in this life! Get them to comment on your post! You hear me?

(Baldwin flips over a blackboard which has two sets of letters on it: ABC, and AIDA.)

Baldwin: A-B-C. A-always, B-be, C-closing. Always be closing! Always be closing!! A-I-D-A. Attention, interest, decision, action. Attention — do I have your attention? Interest — are you interested? I know you are because it’s fuck or walk. You close or you hit the bricks! Decision — have you made your decision for Christ?!! And action. A-I-D-A; get out there!! You got the readers comin’ in; you think they came in to get out of the rain? Guy doesn’t come to the site unless he wants to comment. Sitting out there waiting to give you their comments! Are you gonna take it? Are you man enough to take it? (to Puck) What’s the problem pal? You. Puck.

Puck: You’re such a hero, you have so many readers. Why you coming down here and waste your time on a bunch of bums?

(Baldwin sits and takes off his USMNT jersey)

Baldwin: You see this jersey? You see this jersey?

Puck: Yeah.

Baldwin: That jersey cost more than your car. I made $970,000 last year. How much you make? You see, pal, that’s who I am. And you’re nothing. Nice guy? I don’t give a shit. Good father? Screw you — go home and play with your blog!! (to everyone) You wanna work here? Get comments!! (to Neil Blackmon) You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse? You can’t take this — how can you take the abuse you get on a sit?! You don’t like it — leave. I can go out there tonight with the materials you got, get 100 followers on Twitter! Tonight! In two hours! Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise! A-I-D-A!! Get mad! You sons of bitches! Get mad!! You know what it takes to get comments on your site?

(He pulls something out of his briefcase)

Blake: It takes brass balls to get comments on your site.

(He’s holding two brass balls on string, over the appropriate “area”–he puts them away after a pause)

Blake: Go and do likewise, gents. The comments are out there, you pick it up, it’s yours. You don’t–I have no sympathy for you. You wanna go out on those sits tonight and close, close, it’s yours. If not you’re going to be fact-checking for my blog. Bunch of losers sitting around in a bar. (in a mocking weak voice) “Oh yeah, I used to be a writer, it’s a tough racket.” (he takes out large stack of red index cards tied together with string from his briefcase) These are the new readers. These are the Glengarry readers. And to you, they’re gold. And you don’t get them. Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. (he hands the stack to Seco) They’re for closers. I’d wish you good luck but you wouldn’t know what to do with it if you got it. (to Puck as he puts on his jersey again) And to answer your question, pal: why am I here? I came here because Mitch and Murray asked me to, they asked me for a favor. I said, the real favor, follow my advice and fire your effing ass because a loser is a loser.

The Contest Rules:

  • Leave constructive comments on the site.
  • Post reactions, questions, whatever in the forum.
  • Respond to comments and questions on the site.
  • Top (quality) commenter will win an official USMNT jersey that the national team will wear in the World Cup.
  • No limit to comments, but again, quality matters most.
  • Contest ends after the El Salvador match next Wednesday.

Questions? Hit Dan up on Twitter.

Filed Under: February 2010

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  • I really liked this bit. It was an extraordinarily clever way to introduce an extraordinarily awesome competition. Alec Baldwin is always good for satire as you have thoroughly proven… as you can see I am attempting to get a head start on the competition by feeding your egos, not the waffles, but it really was a good bit. Wish me luck!

  • Johnathon

    I love how after posting this…no one’s has commented yet.

    I lurk a lot, so I suppose I should comment some.

  • Daniel Seco

    Good luck to everyone!

  • Amy

    I just wanted to note that I like contests. I also almost like the Baldwin speech from t as much as “Greed is good” from Wall Street. But not quite as much. Close though. About like comparing “Illmatic” to the “Blueprint 2.” One is absolutely essential to life; the other is essential to a party. Well played. By the way– I like contests. And if ya’ll can throw in more photos of Jon’s “I’m not sure if I want to be Stu Holden or Carlos “Good Lord I’m good looking” Bocanegra” hairstyle– that would be fab !!! All that for a local college hole-in-the-wall…what a shame. Hilar tho !

  • This is a great idea for a contest! I will be commenting all week. I want the new home jersey so badly.

  • Cool contest! Now I can finally post after you all fixing the spam protector. Thanks for that. Anyways, cool to see this works now, and looking forward to some good USMNT discussion. I believe I met Neil Blackmon at the Brewhouse in Atlanta watching a match, but I’m not sure if he recalls. Anyone going to Tampa on the 24th? If so, see you then! You guys might have to try to keep up with me on this contest, I’ll be trying mighty hard!

  • @Justin Churchill- the jersey that comes out on 3/3 is the navy blue away. I believe the home kit comes out 5/1.

  • Jason Jordan

    So me and my boy (representing the AO from Atlanta) were sitting in LxF (Locos por el Futbol) in Buenos Aires watching the AC Milan and Man U game arguing with two Germans about: whether or not the German national team should come out to David Hasselhoff for the 2010 World Cup! Very entertaining piece! Shout out to Andrew our chapter President!

  • Harrison

    Nice contest. I currently do not own a USMNT jersey so it would be nice to score one before the world cup as I will be watching every game. Also it would be nice if they would come play in Charlotte NC or somewhere close by so I could go and see them play.

  • Heidi V.

    I love the news you post to Twitter and the links to articles. It is nice to get another perspective on the USMNT/USWNT.

  • Adam S.

    When you want something to be retweeted….make the original tweet short so there’s room for your very long user name.

  • Anna

    ShaBOOMs! Go USA!!

  • HugoScheckter

    I know I am excited for the World Cup to come to the USA in 2018 or 2022! The final should be at the RFK. Not the best stadium structurally, but the atmosphere in there at USA vs Costa Rica, when USA came back from 2 goals equaled that at most EPL games I’ve been to. And it wasn’t even full. That’s what’s great about Soccer in the USA.

  • Rachael Brown

    Love the article and an interesting read. I’m a house divided, born in England but also a supputer of USA.

  • The contest rules are kind of vague and hard to understand. I guess that’s better for you to filter through random passerby visitors like me, but now I’m just turned off by your site as a whole. You guys have a great interface though. Maybe I’ll check it out some other time.

  • Meagan

    The only USA jersey I own is signed by Landycakes and therefore not a wardrobe option. I need something to rock during the World Cup. GO YANKS! 🙂

  • Kyle

    Great idea for a contest, I’m surprised more people aren’t commenting. Try to get some people to retweet it on twitter, I’m sure plenty of people will want to join.

  • Alec Baldwin is a legend, why can he not talk like this to Tina Fey? Whatever, screw NBC, I’m officially all about the A-B-C…

    Absolutely brilliant, by the way.

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