A funny thing happened when Mr. Baldwin stumbled into TYAC office a few days ago…
Alec Baldwin: So you’re talking about what? You’re talking about…(puts out cigarette)…bitching about that column you shot, some son of a bitch that doesn’t want to comment, somebody that doesn’t want what you’re writing, some broad you’re trying to screw and so forth. Let’s talk about something important. Are you all here? Well, I’m going anyway. Let’s talk about something important! (to Jon Levy) Put that jersey down!! The USMNT jersey is for the top commenter only. (Levy scoffs) Do you think I’m screwing with you? I am not screwing with you. I’m here from Carson. I’m here from Mitch and Murray. And I’m here on a mission of mercy. Your name’s Levy?
Baldwin: You call yourself a writer, you son of a bitch?
Puck: I don’t have to listen to this shit.
Baldwin: You certainly don’t pal. ‘Cause the good news is — you’re fired. The bad news is you’ve got, all you got, just one week to regain your jobs, starting tonight. Starting with tonight’s… sit. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. ‘Cause we’re adding a little something to this month’s The Yanks Are Coming contest. As you all know, first prize is a USMNT World Cup jersey. Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize’s The Yanks Are Coming hat. Third prize is you’re fired. You get the picture? You’re laughing now? You got readers. The Yanks Are Coming paid good money. Get their names to sell them! You can’t get your readers to comment, you can’t close shit, you ARE shit, hit the bricks pal and beat it ’cause you are going out!!!
Levy: The readers are weak.
Baldwin: ‘The readers are weak.’ Fucking readers are weak? You’re weak. I’ve been in this business 15 years.
Puck: What’s your name?
Baldwin: SCREW YOU, that’s my name!! You know why, Mister? ‘Cause you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, I drove a eighty thousand dollar BMW. That’s my name!! (to Levy) And your name is “you’re wanting.” And you can’t play in a man’s game. You can’t get them to comment. (at a near whisper) And you go home and tell your girlfriend your troubles. (to everyone again) Because only one thing counts in this life! Get them to comment on your post! You hear me?
(Baldwin flips over a blackboard which has two sets of letters on it: ABC, and AIDA.)
Baldwin: A-B-C. A-always, B-be, C-closing. Always be closing! Always be closing!! A-I-D-A. Attention, interest, decision, action. Attention — do I have your attention? Interest — are you interested? I know you are because it’s fuck or walk. You close or you hit the bricks! Decision — have you made your decision for Christ?!! And action. A-I-D-A; get out there!! You got the readers comin’ in; you think they came in to get out of the rain? Guy doesn’t come to the site unless he wants to comment. Sitting out there waiting to give you their comments! Are you gonna take it? Are you man enough to take it? (to Puck) What’s the problem pal? You. Puck.
Puck: You’re such a hero, you have so many readers. Why you coming down here and waste your time on a bunch of bums?
(Baldwin sits and takes off his USMNT jersey)
Baldwin: You see this jersey? You see this jersey?
Baldwin: That jersey cost more than your car. I made $970,000 last year. How much you make? You see, pal, that’s who I am. And you’re nothing. Nice guy? I don’t give a shit. Good father? Screw you — go home and play with your blog!! (to everyone) You wanna work here? Get comments!! (to Neil Blackmon) You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse? You can’t take this — how can you take the abuse you get on a sit?! You don’t like it — leave. I can go out there tonight with the materials you got, get 100 followers on Twitter! Tonight! In two hours! Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise! A-I-D-A!! Get mad! You sons of bitches! Get mad!! You know what it takes to get comments on your site?
(He pulls something out of his briefcase)
Blake: It takes brass balls to get comments on your site.
(He’s holding two brass balls on string, over the appropriate “area”–he puts them away after a pause)
Blake: Go and do likewise, gents. The comments are out there, you pick it up, it’s yours. You don’t–I have no sympathy for you. You wanna go out on those sits tonight and close, close, it’s yours. If not you’re going to be fact-checking for my blog. Bunch of losers sitting around in a bar. (in a mocking weak voice) “Oh yeah, I used to be a writer, it’s a tough racket.” (he takes out large stack of red index cards tied together with string from his briefcase) These are the new readers. These are the Glengarry readers. And to you, they’re gold. And you don’t get them. Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. (he hands the stack to Seco) They’re for closers. I’d wish you good luck but you wouldn’t know what to do with it if you got it. (to Puck as he puts on his jersey again) And to answer your question, pal: why am I here? I came here because Mitch and Murray asked me to, they asked me for a favor. I said, the real favor, follow my advice and fire your effing ass because a loser is a loser.
The Contest Rules:
- Leave constructive comments on the site.
- Post reactions, questions, whatever in the forum.
- Respond to comments and questions on the site.
- Top (quality) commenter will win an official USMNT jersey that the national team will wear in the World Cup.
- No limit to comments, but again, quality matters most.
- Contest ends after the El Salvador match next Wednesday.
Questions? Hit Dan up on Twitter.
Filed Under: February 2010
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