While watching the God awful BCS National Championship game between The Antichrist’s (Nick Saban) Alabama Crimson Tide, and the Texas Longhorns, I began to think about my next post for TYAC. I began to reflect on my high school soccer career. I was good, not great, and standing barely over five feet in my Copas while being 30 pounds overweight did not help my case. I was essentially a large ball with legs. Some even say I looked like one of the Lost Boys
from the movie “Hook” that rolls down the plank to take down some of Hook’s henchmen. At this point I could tell you a self-deprecating story about having my arms duct taped to my sides and rolled down a large hill by the middle school bullies, but I digress. I quickly realized that while I am a crazy soccer fan, my knowledge of the game, may not be at the same level as some of the other contributing writers of TYAC. Therefore, I feel it is my responsibility, no my duty, to write pieces with a bit less soccer fact, and more sensational flair. This brings me to AIDS. Some of you may be thinking, “What a dick!” Yes it is true, making jokes about AIDS and HIV can be distasteful. However, in this case, I think it can be funny as well as informative. If not, I remember what a good friend once told me, “You’re nobody until you’ve been booed.” Just the other day, instead of working to finish my thesis, I was surfing the web when I stumbled upon an interesting article on CNN.com (article here). It appears that there is growing concern that this summer’s World Cup could play a major role in spreading the HIV virus. I suggest reading the article to get a full picture of the
situation, but let me first summarize the main points. First, there are an estimated 3,000 sex workers in South Africa currently. More alarming were the results from a recent study that found nearly 50 percent of all female sex workers in Johannesburg were infected with HIV or AIDS. If this trend is representative of the entire country, then nearly 1,500 sex workers could be infected. The concern amongst some South African health officials is that visitors to the World Cup may make some poor decisions and bring the spread the disease even further. Just imagine some vacationing buffoon, in a drunken haze after his country makes it into the knock out rounds, sleeping with a prostitute and eventually infecting his wife or girlfriend once returning home. Not a pretty picture. Therefore, I suggest the following for travelling Yanks:
PUCK’S PLEASURE PROCEDURES
- Rubbers! Wear them. There is really no excuse. I am not trying to make this a lame PSA where some kid shoots himself after smoking a little weed; it’s just the smart thing to do.
- Don’t sleep with prostitutes. In no way am I a model citizen with a perfect moral compass. I don’t really have an opinion either way about making prostitution legal. Under these circumstances just don’t do it. No matter how drunk and horny you may be, it’s just not a good idea.
- Sleep with other travelling fans instead! Think about the possibilities. Thousands of people from all over the world come to the World Cup. There has to be some little lady, or hunky dude that you may want to spend some quality time with. You could come home and tell all your friends about the night of passion you had with the sweet Argentinean girl in the Messi kit.
- Skype with your significant other. If he or she isn’t joining you in South Africa, make sure to bring your laptop and web cam along. Light a few scented candles and play some music to set the mood – you might just be able to survive your time away from each other.
- Embrace celibacy. Dear God, did I really just write that? Let’s stick with four.
If you follow these rules while in South Africa, you should be able to steer clear of HIV. If anyone meets a future spouse by following my rules, I fully expect to be invited to the wedding. By the way, I throw a mean bachelor party.