Yanks fans, this post has been a long time coming.
Since the night of the Honduras match, I have been thinking about all the excellent hair styles that have been showcased by the Yanks on the USMNT. Instead of writing this post I have been spending most of my time trying to graduate, as well as informing several dipshits that the Che Guevera shirts they are wearing makes them look like complete jacklegs. You known the type, the patchouli-stinking, organic-milk-drinking, rainbow-sandal-wearing, kids of the world. The same people that saw Motorcycle Diaries and thought it was an excellent
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“film.” These misinformed buffoons like talk about revolution and oppression without really understanding what those words mean. Maybe they should travel to the World Cup in South Africa and see a country still attempting to pull itself out of the shadow of apartheid. That may have been the longest digression ever in a Puck Strikes Back post. Anyway, you get my point. Therefore, without any further adieu, may I present to you, the top 10 hairstyles in USMNT history.
10. Abercrombie models
You know who I’m talking about. These guys have every single hair perfectly gelled in place. Sometimes I think they are waiting for a photo-shoot to break out inside the 18 yard box. It’s the look TYAC columnist Jon Levy goes for when he spends 35 minutes doing his hair before we head out to the same shit hole bar we always go to (unsuccessfully, I might add). Members of this illustrious group include Robbie Rogers, Stuart Holden, Benny “The Maestro” Failhaber, and the captain Carlos Bocanegra. These men have yet to realize that there is more to life than being really really really ridiculously good looking.
9. Oguchi Onyewu
Cornrows. Enough said. Before Gooch was rocking the shaved head look, he was intimidating opposing forwards with his tightly braided hair. I truly wonder why Gooch got rid of the look. Where the braids too tight and it started to
give him headaches? I certainly hope not. Gooch, I know you are busy trying to rehab that busted knee for the World Cup. But with all that time off the pitch, bring the cornrows back.
Some of you Yanks fans reading out there on the interwebs may be too young to really remember Jeff Agoos. A dependable defender during the early 90s with the USMNT, Agoos consistently rocked his long dandruff free locks in a tight ponytail. Although he did not make the World Cup squad in 1994, Agoos had a very good career playing both in Germany and in the United States.
7. Goalies (Bald Dudes)
With the exception of Tony Meola, each of the starting net minders has rocked the shaved head look. Rocking the cue ball head has worked very well recently. Tim Howard and Brad Friedel (can we please take him to SA for a plan B?) have been kicking ass and taking names lately in the Premier League. I wonder if it is some type on initiation that goes on behind closed doors. The retiring keeper gets to shave the head of the heir apparent.
6. Marcelo Balboa
It’s hard to mention all of Balboa’s accolades. A former USMNT captain, the first player to reach the 100-cap mark in USMNT history, and a member of the National Soccer Hall of fame just to name a few. Unlike Jeff Agoos, Balboa decided to let his locks flow freely as he glided up and down the pitch. Toss in a “Clerks” like goatee and you have a legend.
5. Cobi Jones
What can I say about Cobi Jones.? The all time leader in caps for the USMNT, Jones was a member of the 1994, 1998, and 2002 World Cup squads. He was even given the nickname, “El Escobillon” (the swab) throughout Latin America, because his head looks like some kind of a Q-tip. The lead singing jackleg of Counting Crows even had to get a wig to look more like Cobi Jones because this cat just looked so cool.
4. Sacha Kljestan
Not only did Sacha’s hair kick ass, it is without doubt his power source. When he had his long split ends rocking during the Olympics in 2008, he and the rest of our midfield was unstoppable. Ever since we cut his hair, he has totally blown (sorry Raf). It’s a modern tragedy of Samson. For the sake of our midfield, please grow it back.
3. Clint Mathis
Cult legend and hero. Look at the above picture. There is nothing else to say.
2. Kyle Beckerman
How to explain this look? Beckerman looks like he should be playing Hacky Sack or Ultimate Frisbee while taking hits from a six foot bong, not professional soccer. I seriously think the last time he washed his hair was back in the 20th century. While his play may sometimes be underwhelming, his hair certainly is not.
1. Alexi Lalas
No ladies and gentlemen, that is not Carrot Top. That is Alexi Lalas. A kick ass ginger goatee and locks had to be number one on the list. Unfortunately he had to dumb this look to work for the “Man” at a nameless four letter network. If Lalas brings back the fire red goatee I predict great things from the Yanks.
That’s our list. If you feel like I have made any serious omissions, please let me know. Hopefully it will not be so long before another Puck Strikes Back Post. PBR time.
Puck is a freelance columnist for The Yanks Are Coming. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.