January 2010

Top 10 Tailgate Must-Haves (Part Two)

5. Bargain Basement Brews How does one begin to define a bargain basement brew? Start with the commercials in which these fine nectars of excellence are promoted. Like Coors Banquet Beer – “Brewed in places like Buffalo, Memphis and Sacramento.” Simply put, a bargain basement brew is not something you would ever expect some jackleg in a three piece suit to ever drink. We are all familiar with the usual suspects, they typically have nicknames like frat water (Natural Light) or beast (Milwaukee’s Best). Another tell-tale sign is that you can always find Bargain Basement Brews in 30 racks. They may be hard to choke down at first, but hell, by the time you’ve had your sixth or seventh beer, you really can’t taste the difference anyway. Whenever I am on working the grill or the crowd, my case of PBR is never out of reach. 4. Clever Signs/Chants While this may fall into the Flair category, I felt this was important enough to stand on its own. In order to really set yourself and your tailgate apart, take the time beforehand to develop clever signs or chants that poke fun at the opposing team. Here are a couple examples, “Rocky Top-O-Rocky Top, Last in the SEC.” The greatest sign I have ever seen was at this year’s SEC Championship Game, referring to the suspended Carlos Dunlap, “It’s 3am, do you know where your All-American DE is?” It was short, topical, and downright hilarious. 3. Gin-Bucket “Puck, what the hell is a gin bucket?” The most delicious thing ever invented. It’s like crack, without the withdrawal and shakes. I need to thank TYAC editor-in-chief Dan Seco for bringing this wonderful elixir into my life. A gin bucket is basically just what it sounds like – a bucket full of gin. Seco cannot take credit for its invention, but he uses the following recipe: A handle of the crappiest gin you can find, two

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2-liter bottles of Fresca and as much split citrus you can find (oranges, lemons and limes). Toss it all in a bucket with ice and let the party begin. The most important part about the gin bucket is how it’s served – with a turkey baster. No cups needed. You can walk around the tailgate party giving all the hottest men or women(depending on your preference, of course) a nice shot in the mouth while being environmentally friendly. Google it. Make it. Gin bucket – the king of tailgating. 2. Money Mix Tape Few things compliment a tailgate better than blasting “Black Betty” by Ram Jam or “Straight Out Of Compton” by N.W.A. From attractive girls dancing on top of your truck, or shirtless overweight guys pretending they’re Ice Cube, a boom-box is a must have at any tailgate. Senior staff writer Neil W. Blackmon says “If you don’t have an iPod, make sure you create a CD before the tailgate and call it something downright absurd like Neil’s Money Mix.” In public never refer to the mix as a CD but only by the kick ass title you gave it. He also stressed the importance of including multiple Lady Gaga songs, but I’ll pretend like I didn’t hear him. Focus on loading your “$ Mix” with as many crowd pleasers as possible. This is not the time for you to demonstrate your love to Michael Buble or Pantera. 1. People Who Are Here To Party This may seem like an obvious one, but it is without doubt the most important. If you are going to take all the time necessary to set up a kick ass tailgate party, you better be damn sure that people show up. Otherwise you will end up drinking the entire gin bucket on your own, which won’t make for a very good scene. Just last year, Neil and I tried to have ourselves a little party known fondly as, “The Great Salsa Tailgate of 2009.” The party included me, Neil, our good friend Derek, a dozen cupcakes, one gallon

of extra chunky medium salsa and about 100 beers. While the Great Salsa Tailgate was an epic failure on many levels, the most glaring was not having people to party with. Don’t make this mistake. This brings me to the invite list. While you don’t want to the tailgate party to be a totally exclusive event, you definitely need to put some thought into who you invite. You absolute don’t want a bunch of fru- fru eating, Zima drinking (I know it doesn’t exist anymore!), Seersucker wearing, jacklegs at your event. Critical mass for those pricks is one. Make sure to invite people who plan on partying at your tailgate. Having a Frank

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the Tank-type (Guy Bailey comes to mind) is excellent as long as they know when to take it down a notch. Also, don’t forget to have both sexes represented. This is not a middle school dance – Boys II Men will not be on the mix tape, and it’s OK to hang out with the opposite sex. Those are my top ten must haves for any USMNT Tailgate. Please feel free to make some suggestions on what you would need to have at the event. That’s all for now, time for a few cool PBRs. Puck’s column appears weekly. He can be reached at justingclar@gmail.com


  • Amy

    This was absolutely hilarious. Thanks for writing !! I especially enjoyed your argument that if a tailgate with women devolves into a middle school dance situation, you have a lousy tailgate. So true. Happens @ Cal all the time.