Everyone knows that Puck enjoys a party – PBR, good tunes, good people and good food, there is nothing not to like. That being write my essay cheap said, my title here at The Yanks Are Coming is “Token Pop Culture Guru.” As such, this title gives me the license to write just about whatever the hell I want whenever it moves me. Therefore, I want to inform you all of an interesting discussion I recently had with Neil W. Blackmon and Jon Levy. While enjoying a collegiate baseball game and mercilessly heckling the opposing pitcher, we began a discussion on individuals whose company would make us not want to party. Obviously this conversation began to make my blood boil. Knowing how much I enjoy partying, there is still a significant list of people I never want in my presence while partying.
After hours of careful consideration, I give you my list of people that I, and hopefully you, never want to be around while partying. Please keep in mind this list is in no particular order. They all blow in my book.
1. UConn basketball coach Jim Calhoun
Just look at him. It cannot be humanly possible to have a good time with that sad sack sitting around. Every conversation has to be the same one you had with your grandfather a million times about how “great” things used to be in the old days. You know, back when gas was 10 cents a gallon and you could get a hummer from an Asian hooker without anyone batting an eye. Sorry Jim, you can’t have one of my precious PBR’s. He looks like a Scotch guy anyway. Big East coaches’ meetings are going to be painful if he seriously plans on coaching “well into his 70’s.”
2. One Uppers
I am sure we are all familiar with the type. No matter what story you’re telling, or what you have been doing with your life, this clown has definitely been doing something better or more extreme. One Uppers sit and wait for the entire group’s attention to make sure everyone in the room knows just how great they are. The only thing worse than encountering one of these jacklegs at a party is having two in the same place at the same time. They get caught in the endless verbal circle-jerk of their accomplishments that is just nauseating.
Some people might think, “Puck, this must be just a knee-jerk reaction to his terrible performance and transfer from Blankcheckster City.” The crazy Brazilian is not on my list due to his performance on the pitch or his partying skills. He is on the list for the simple fact that he may just party too much. Robinho is the guy you and your friends are out with that never wants the party to end. Scenario: It’s three in the morning and you’re beat. Your ideal nightcap would be to head home, have a couple more beers while playing a few games of NHL 97 on your SEGA. Robinho on the other hand still has $500 bucks in his pocket and wants a few lap dances. After dragging you to the strip club, not only will he not share the wealth, he just wants you to wait in the car until he’s finished. What a dick!
4. Lindsay Lohan
Who the hell does this bitch think she is? All of that blow must have really caused some permanent paranoia if you think that babies are out to get you. Your career is so in the shitter if you think you’re going to score 100 million from E-Trade. Lindsay represents the “know it all” chick
who thinks their shit actually does smell like roses because their mommy told them so. People with larger egos than their weight class are not allow in my partying experience.
5. Herbert Hoover
Why Herbert Hoover? Frankly, I feel like this list needed a historical figure. Secondly, he started The Great Depression. That just sucks.
6. FIFA President Sepp Blatter
First of all, his is Swiss. I hate when people don’t pick a side in an argument. Take a stand, you pussy. Secondly, he completely screwed the smaller European nations during World Cup qualifying. With the fear that soccer powerhouses France
and Portugal may miss the upcoming World Cup, he decided to seed the nations before the final round of play, instead of using the classical random draw format in order to hopefully assure the larger nations a clear path to South Africa. I am not saying that the smaller nations would have qualified using the traditional system, but at least it would not have been an outright slap in the face. Jesus, it’s like the potato famine wasn’t enough.
7. People that drink alcoholic beverages with straws
I am not talking about the small drink mixing straws that you find in your favorite cocktail. I am talking about the people who stumble around your party with the “bendy” straw you brought from home. Even worse are the complete clowns that bring their own favorite “crazy” or “twisty” straw from home. They most likely won it at some shitty video arcade or carnival. In both cases it’s probably covered with a whole infestation of diseases, you just don’t want that around you. They stumble around the party with some awful citrus laden mixed drink still managing to spill shit everywhere. You are not seven years old; you should not need a Sippy Cup or straw so that you don’t make a mess for mommy and daddy to clean up. Get your act together.
8. Giuseppe Rossi
Just being around this guy would make me feel bad about myself. At only 23 years old, he has accomplished more athletically than one could ever imagine. Not only does it make you feel like garbage hanging around someone who kicks that much ass, but he could be playing for the USMNT. Due to circumstances I still can’t understand, Rossi took off for the Italians. Benedict Arnold jackleg.
9. Nigel de Jong
This guy is easily one of my favorite players. However, all accounts make him sound like a complete prick. Hanging out with people that just get no joy from life is a downer. You may play a rough and tumble holding midfield, but I never want to get drunk with you, dude. After a bad joke, I may end up in little pieces next to a dumpster in a dark Manchester alley.
10. People who don’t know how to party
These are the jacklegs that think it’s still cool to act like they are anywhere from 19 to 21 when they drink. Every party must be an event to get completely smashed and “time travel” to the next morning. Typically, you can find them completely smashed by about 9:30 after putting down a bottle of their favorite liquor. At this point, they tend to violently vomit all over your carpet. To make matters worse, they decide they are going to “clean up” their mess by finding the nearest rag, shirt or blanket they can find. This usually results in the puke being pushed methodically around in circles without actually helping the situation. You’re left with a stain worse than if you just let the steaming pile sit in the same spot untouched for weeks. With all this bullshit, it is important to try and look on the bright side. That disgusting stain next to the coffee table is a permanent reminder to never drink with you again.
That’s the list; I would love to see who the rest of TYAC family would never want to hang with while partying. Leave me a note below while I go crush this case of PBR. Sorry for partying.
Puck is the pop culture guru for The Yanks Are Coming. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.