As we approach the World Cup, we here at the Yanks Are Coming, like the USMNT, are training hard to make sure we are in top-form and fitness when the lights shine the brightest. Naturally, this demands more than great sportswriting, increased workloads, and tighter Dan Seco deadlines. Speaking of Dan Seco, there’s a rumor going around that he’s actually sleeping five-six hours a night. That’s practically hibernation for that dude—I have no idea how he functions, but hey—running the most important blog of our time more or less requires that you are more machine than man. Our push to be our best applies to Yankettes too, and after a staff meeting, complete with Jon Levy’s Lightning-cup filled with Canadian Hunter, Raf wearing a sleeveless “Syracuse- Unbelievaball” basketball shirt, and Puck essentially sitting in a makeshift bed of PBR boxes, we decided that we needed to make our next two Yankettes the absolute best we felt America has to offer. This isn’t a knock on past Yankettes—those ladies still rule the earth. We just feel the next two raise the bar. They’re “next level” women, to quote your favorite NFL draft analyst. They’re the kind of women that embody how absolutely outstanding it is to be American. They’re Omaha steaks to your Scottish haggis, apple pie to your Shepherd’s. They’re the kind of gals that if we line them up against Guy Bailey, we can say—“What, you’re really coming at us with Keira Knightley? Is that all ya’ got? You better come stronger than that, Guy. You could have at least rolled with Kate Winslet. She’d keep Red Lobster open late.” You get the idea. We’re coming strong, and we mean business. And with all due respect to Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan, we can’t win this thing just rolling out Harvard Law school deans. And we’ve got Hillary to duke it out with your Thatcher anyway.
I’ll just say it for the record: the next two Yankettes, best Yankettes ever. Throw in Amy S. and we’re on a phenomenal run. We’re Phil playing the back nine on Saturday at this year’s Masters. They’re so good you could get hopped up on barrel-select Kentucky Bourbon—Woodford Reserve, 1792, Maker’s, your call—and run around London yelling “We Beat you At Yorktown, Bloodied you @ Bunker Hill, We’ve got better women and we beat you in Brazil, and when we meet in Rustenburg, it’ll be Yanks—2-nil.” Best Yankettes ever. And that starts with May Yankette of the Month, 32 year old Florida beauty Erin Andrews.
Why Erin Andrews? Bad question. Better quesiton. Why not Erin Andrews? Why not EA? The Tampa product makes your standard coed dime-piece look like Charlize Theron halfway through a Monster make-up session. It’s not close. I don’t like beating a dead horse, but in this case, I will. She’s “next level” gorgeous. She’s that girl not even the inspirational quote on your Starbucks Cup that gets you fired up about life for five hours can convince you to ask out. That’s one reason.
Why EA? She’s successful. I’ll go on the record again: she’s the best sideline reporter in sports. Period. She has more Emmy’s than Shaq has rings. She’s the Kobe of sideline reporters. She makes the Pacific Life Holiday Bowl watchable. On Thanksgiving, after we’ve eaten the Turkey and the sweet potatoes and the pumpkin pie and filled our hearts with warm American things, long after we’ve “watched” whatever the Detroit Lions are calling “professional football” that year—we get the lovely EA on the sidelines for Texas-Texas A&M or Ole Miss-Miss State and we’re reminded just how thankful we should be, with all due respect to Holly Rowe.
Why EA? She’s so good at her job and such a good looking woman at the same time—it drives other women nuts. Look—there’s nothing wrong with Stacy Dales. Nothing wrong. A whole lot to like about Stacey Dales. Great sideline reporter. Makes the NFL Network a great deal more watchable. All-American Athlete. Great looking. Just not EA. And don’t think for a second she doesn’t know it. If I’m Stacey Dales, I’ve got an Erin Andrews complex. If you don’t believe Stacey Dales has that complex—you try being definitively second-best at anything, just for a minute. Think about being Frank Lampard to Stevie G. The Houston Rockets in the 90s to Jordan’s Bulls. Soundgarden to Pearl Jam. You think about how Stacey Dales feels when EA’s interviewing Nick Saban and giggling while grilling him about his first-half playcalling in the red zone, all the while flashing wavy blonde hair you see only on EA and in Pantene ad’s. Still don’t believe me? Read this two-character play. I’m pretty sure Stacey Dales has had just about enough of Erin Andrews. Good thing we haven’t.
Why EA? Yeah—we’ve got one more reason. The Yanks Are Coming was founded by Gators. The University of Florida is in Gainesville— we’re just another reason the Gator Nation is everywhere. A bunch of us have fond memories of the College of Journalism and Weimer Hall, down in God’s Country in the shadow of The Swamp. EA’s a Gator, and an alumna of the College of Journalism. Not only does that mean we get chills when she does the Gator Chomp on Dancing With the Stars (and yeah—we’re willing to TIVO it just to watch her segments), it means the former Zeta Tau Alpha has one more trump card, as if she needed one. She’s a Gator. And that makes her infinitely better than everyone else. So we salute you, EA. You make us proud.
“Go be the Best Sideline Reporter in Sports.”
Neil W. Blackmon is a senior writer for The Yanks Are Coming. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or @nwb_USMNT.